Bears Boobies and Other Good News

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having a special visitor arrive at the frat house...

For a split second I thought, "Hey!  That's the bear suit!  Alyssa is in Rhode Island!"  A split second later, I found out it was her friend and they had planned a joke that was supposed to happen for my birthday.  I didn't even care that she was a week late, because the joy I felt at seeing that funny suit was gift enough.  Since Alyssa is from Rhode Island, she still has some friends here and actually mailed the suit to her buddy and had the friend drive to my house and surprise me with some cookies.  This was particularly special because Rhode Islanders don't like to drive outside of their town, so the fact that Alyssa's accomplice drove about 21 miles to pull this joke is somewhat of a miracle.  If you don't believe me that Rhode Islanders feel this way about driving for more than five minutes - Google it.  They  are ridiculous about what they consider "road trips" and it is one of the things I find most hilarious and charming about them.  Here's my obligatory selfie with the bear suit:

I got to thinking about all the times and places Alyssa and I have used the bear suit both together and apart.  I have scared people in outhouses with it.  Alyssa has scared people in the woods and mountains of Wyoming/Idaho with it.  We have even used it just to make other people laugh as evidenced by my discussion above.  I also remembered that the night before I left Idaho, nearly one year ago, Alyssa and I used the bear suit too.  Here's our before and after shots...

I of course posted about some stuff I did with it on my trip out.  I even met Alyssa in it when I picked her up after her last trip to Rhode Island at the train station:

We also went to the beach and took some photos there:

I'm beating a dead horse, but I love that bear suit.  It represents the friendship I have with Alyssa and I appreciate being reminded of her.  I don't think I ever would have struck up a friendship with her had we not had so many responsibilities together at church.  It just goes to show that you never know how your life can be impacted by the people around you and I'm glad I've had a chance to get to know her.

I thought the bear suit was going to be the highlight of my week but I was lucky enough to have a second blessing this week.  My mammogram.  I had so much fun 2 years ago with my last mammo, that I honestly expected to be unimpressed.  I shouldn't have doubted my ability to have a good time, because as usual, I took something completely mundane and boring to most people and turned it into something creepy and unusual, thereby creating hours of fun for myself. 

It started when I surprised the mammogram tech by bringing my own wipes to clean my armpits with and my own deodorant to use after the mammogram was completed.  I told her I was prepared because I was so surprised two years ago when they made me wash my pits.  She insisted it was totally fine if I wanted to use her wipes and deodorant but I reassured her that I was happy as a clam to use my own.  She stared for a few minutes and then told me to put on my "Johnny" facing front and to open the door when I was ready for her to come get me.  I giggled because I think it's hilarious that Rhode Islanders call hospital tops/gowns "Johnnies."  I love it at the hospital when the nurses say it to the patients.  I always want to yell, "It's a gown!  Not a Johnny!"  But I've learned it does no good to argue with these people so I just smile like a stupid fool when I hear it and say in my mind, "It's a gown!"  Before I opened the door, I decided to snap a pic to remind my sisters to get their mammos done because of Jeta's recent breast cancer diagnosis.  They were not impressed:

After I snapped my pic of my "Johnny" the tech came and set me up for my mammogram.  She fondled and positioned and squished the bejeebers out of my boobs and I realized with no small amount of chagrin, that I had forgotten to grab my phone.  Therefore I missed the following three opportunities:

1. I didn't get to take the selfie I wanted with the mammogram tech
2. I didn't get to take a video of her fondling my saggy old boobies for my own creepy purposes
3. I didn't get to take a pic of my falsely luscious boobs and nipples once the picture had been taken (See my previous mammogram post)

I tried to hide my disappointment about my phone oversight by taking a compromising picture for Jared once I was done with the mammogram and about to change into my clothes.  Please be advised the emojis were not in place for his pic.  He's my lover and deserves the full show:

What I didn't realize, was that Bubba was playing with his phone at the time I decided to send my pic.  When she received the glorious image, she said to Jared, "WHAT THE HECK?!"  I know I should feel embarrassed or guilty about her seeing my boobs, but I don't.  Serves her right for snooping around and using a phone she doesn't pay for.  I hope she learns her lesson.

As if the bear suit, my mammo, and my boob pic snafu wasn't enough joy, I found out when I got back to the frat house that we passed inspection on the latest offer on our house.  It looks like the deal is probably going to go through as planned and my family should finally be able to make their own exodus to the east soon.  I am as contented as I could possibly be, even if I still feel a little negative and wary about the deal falling through.  My mom thinks I need to be more optimistic about the whole thing so in honor of the woman who doesn't worry about anything, here's proof I'm trying:

And that folks - is as good as it gets. 

 

Happy Burfday!

Today I turned 42 years old.  As usual, the idea of being one year closer to my inevitable death has been bothering me for weeks, so I tried to pretend that it was just another day.  Unfortunately for me, most people really like their birthday, and like to celebrate other people's birthdays, so I just couldn't seem to escape the well wishes.  I actually feel like the birthday celebration started yesterday because I got to go see my first Broadway play of the year with the new season tickets that I bought for Boston instead of Salt Lake where Jared and I have held them for 19 years.  It was "Something Rotten" and I convinced Renee and Dilma, one of my other coworkers, to come with me and pretend to be Jared and one of my girls.  Here we are after we saw the billboard for the first time:

I was sad not to have Jared with me for the first time in 19 years but the Boston Opera House was awesome!  Check it out...

Best of all, Boston is way closer than SLC used to be to me in Idaho and it was fabulous to not have a 3 hour commute each way!  When we left Providence, I was a little nervous about finding a parking place and a restaurant to eat in, but turns out, us three girls managed just fine in the big city and we had a blast.  I got home just after midnight this morning and Jared sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  I hated to admit it, but I actually enjoyed hearing his awful singing voice.  Best of all, my house officially went under contract at about 10:30 PM Idaho time on the 17th, but for me, it was already my birthday, so as Jared sang, I just beamed.  The realtor also reminded me that we had put the house up for sale exactly one year ago on my birthday and now, it looks like my misery might finally end. 

After the excitement of the house selling wore off, I was able to get to sleep but was awakened first thing by my daddy wishing me a Happy Birthday.  Most of my siblings, friends, and coworkers have followed suit, some have sent nice gifts, and I have been so appreciative of all of the thoughtfullness.  Renee even had her family come over and eat dinner and have cupcakes with me and they gave me some thoughtful presents.  Here we are around the table after they yelled, "we're your other family now!"

The only downside of my whole day was when my crummy friend Alyssa and her even crummier husband sent me videos and pics of Elvis wishing me a Happy Birthday.  What a couple of tools...

Because my mother has taught me to treat others well despite harsh treatment, I decided to rise above their abuse rather than sink to their level...  Here's proof so my mommy can finally be proud of me:

Man what a birthday it's been.  I'm humbled by the kindness of all of my new friends...  I'm grateful that this endless year might finally see me back with my lover and kids...  I'm also stunned that I didn't mind my birthday this year as much as I have in years past, but am chalking that up to loneliness induced psychosis.  Whatever the reason for my change of heart, don't expect it to last.  I'm sure once I'm comfortably back with my family, my ungrateful and grouchy heart will return.  Happy Birthday to me!   

Will you Marry Me Amazon?

I HATE shopping and always have.  About 4 or 5 years ago, I discovered Amazon at Christmas time and began to use it almost exclusively for my holiday shopping.  About a year ago, I began to realize that Amazon is often at least as inexpensive as any of the box stores and as long as I spent enough, shipping was usually free.  This meant I could buy the thing I wanted (as long as I thought about it with enough time for my item to ship) and never have to leave my house to get said item.  This system was working pretty well until I mentioned to one of my new midwife partners that it was a bummer when I only needed one thing because my cheap self would rather drive to the store than pay for shipping.  Chelsea said, "Have you thought about paying for Amazon Prime?"  She tried to espouse all the wonderful things about it, but given my cheap streak, I didn't think I would be able to justify the cost of a membership just to be able to ship a single item for free here and there. 

It wasn't until I became fed up with the limited streaming videos on Netflix that I decided to listen to Chelsea's sage advice.  I canceled Netflix, purchased Amazon prime which comes with streaming video, and even splurged a little extra to purchase one of the streaming movie channels they offer.  It actually ends up being less than I was paying for Netflix, but now I get free shipping on any Prime item...  Even if it's only one thing.  Additionally, they usually try to get your Prime items to you in anywhere from 1 to 3 days.  EXCUSE ME?!  When Chelsea was telling me all about the perks, I thought she was exaggerating, but apparently it's true.

Christmastime came and I did my usual thing, but it wasn't until the holidays were over that I really began to realize my true potential with Amazon.  What have I ordered?  Well, a giant bottle of Lestoil which is this stinky cleaner that Renee the frat house owner likes.  Then 2 days later, I needed a gift for her daughter's birthday so I ordered one pair of socks.  3 days ago, I got a free gift card for signing up for a credit card on Amazon which I immediately cancelled (one of my other scams I constantly am running with Amazon) and purchased 2 boxes of diapers and wipes for a friend of mine in Wyoming.  Do you know how awesome it was to send a gift like that and not have to pay for it... plus have it shipped for free?!  Only those who know me well will understand how wonderful Amazon makes my cheap heart feel!

My crowning moment came when I noticed my retractable ID badge holder was fraying on Monday night while I was on call.  I purchased the holder in the hospital gift shop for 6 bucks about 6 months ago.  It wasn't the one I really liked but there was no way I was going to pay 20 dollars for a stupid badge holder.  Heck, I even thought 6 bucks was steep for something so stupid...  Anyhoo, as I laid there in the call room, I wondered for the umpteenth time whether I could find what I needed on Amazon - even though I already knew the answer was going to be yes.  Not only did I find nearly the exact same kind, but I found a bag of 12 of them.  By the time my free shipping was taken care of, it only cost me 6.50 to have them shipped.  They arrived 2 days later on my Wednesday call shift so I found them this morning when I got back home.  Here they are:

And look how similar one of the new blue ones is to my old one!

A thing of beauty, no?  For a full minute, I considered storming into the gift shop and demanding to know why they were charging so darn much for something I got for the 12th of the cost PLUS FREE SHIPPING!  However, since I would have had to leave the house, I decided it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.  Plus, I don't want those jerks to find out how great Amazon is.  If they got their shipping for free, they might charge even more money for the crap they are trying to sell in there! 

Listen people, I love Amazon so much that I have considered dumping Jared for them.  However, I would miss the sex and because he does laundry, I can never let him go.  I guess I could search on Amazon for sex and laundry services... just to see if I could find them... which I'm half suspecting I could...but since Jared has never once called me fat, loud, obnoxious, or ridiculous, I probably better keep him for my emotional status quo.  That's right!  I love you Amazon!  I'm guessing I always will, and my husband (and everyone else) is just going to have to be ok with that fact...