In my family, we don't die of sissy causes like heart disease, cancer, or strokes. We have a bunch of fatties that eat what they want and sit around like slugs because there are no consequences to our behavior. Our preferred method of death for the most part is old age and brains turning into demented tubs of goo. A few years ago, my dad threw himself down the stairs at his office. I have often joked he knew that age 90 with a jelly brain lay ahead so he decided to make his escape in his prime. For his trouble, he got a broken elbow, a ruptured spleen, and a very expensive ICU stay - but not death. Given that nothing of any consequence or frequency runs in my family, I decided long ago to follow the USPTFS breast cancer screening guidelines and start my mammograms at age 50.
Unfortunately for me, I diagnosed my first case of breast cancer this last week. We've had several cases over the years, but never one of my patients. It was a little disappointing because I was at Bear Lake when the final report came through so Dr. Lovell did the dirty work and called my patient. Maybe it's because it was my first case, but the cancer diagnosis really got under my skin. I decided that I didn't need to be a hero about this whole breast cancer thing. Maybe I might be the first one in my family to be diagnosed with something really awful and I'd never live to experience the brain goo. As such, I decided to get a mammo. I'd had one about 10 years ago for a lump that as usual for me, turned out to be nothing. I thought I remembered the process, but it was so much more delightful this time around. I think it's because I've been a healthcare provider so long, that naked bodies are just business. It was nice to see that everyone else who sees important parts like boobs everyday, feels the same as me!
Given that I always try to make every experience I endure uncomfortable for others, I sent this pic to Tina who works at my office:
It was titled "pre boob squish piss." I'm not really sure why I started sending bathroom shots to Tina, but because she laughed once, I will never stop. I've sent pics of me on johns across this country to her. Just message me if you want to join a group text of them.
Here's me in my mammo top. I'm pointing to my boob to remind you why I'm here! They made me wipe off my deodorant this time which I did not do 10 years ago. I like to go along with anything that seems weird so I of course did it. I found out later the deodorant can show up on the films. BORING!
Then, my tech who was named Natalie, did a great job fondling and positioning my breasts and talking all about how she needed my nipples to point up. I wanted to tell her "good luck lady, apparently you haven't read my blog!" However, she was so nice I held my peace for once.
Then, the big surprise!
Look at that boob! See my nipple?! It's amazing how sexy that breast looks when one smashes it into submission! I told Jared it looked so perky and wonderful that I felt almost dirty about it. His response? "It looks like a robot titty!"
I don't have results back, but I didn't see anything irregular and Natalie never stopped talking to concentrate on my films, so I'm guessing I'll get the boring diagnosis I always do: that everything is negative. In my sick mind I say: "lose some weight in case you catch something horrible, which you won't, so have another Twinkie!" I'm not disappointed that the day didn't turn up a young death on my horizon. After all, I got a thrill looking at my breasts in a new way and had the fact reiterated that "any boob is a good boob" in my lover's mind. Final message? Get your mammos ladies! You'll get more than you bargained for!
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