Sweet Retirement...

I fantasize about retirement A LOT.  Some have even accused me of obsessing about retirement.  It could be that any time I have a long night on labor and delivery, I mention how close I am to leaving my cares behind and enjoying my golden years without the stresses I currently endure.  One may even go so far as to say I might rub my plans in everyone's faces.  Dr. Jones has told me that he will give me hell every day of my life if I don't meet my goal - just to make me feel bad for making HIM feel bad for how early I want to blow this popsicle stand.  I even downloaded an app to help me keep things in perspective.  Look how close retirement is for me as of today!

 

 

 

That's right suckers - read it and weep.  I'm so close now I can almost taste it!  Given that my attention to detail is impeccable, I have not only planned how I will reach my goal to the last peso, but I have also begun to plan my retirement wardrobe.  I don't want these precious years sneaking up on me and leaving me unprepared from a fashion standpoint.  For many moons I have told the labor nurses that when I retire I'm going to sit around in a giant floppy hat and a bikini and let my fat gut hang over the edges.  I want to create the biggest spectacle possible so that anyone who sees me will pause in a moment of awe and wonder how I managed to pull it off.  Unfortunately, I have realized that I might talk a big game, but there is no way I can sit around all the time in a bikini.  My ample thighs rubbing together without pants in between them to prevent spontaneous combustion just won't work on a long term basis.  Imagine my abdominal apron rubbing on my hips and pubic bone with only a small strip of bikini fabric to ease the chafing!  It just is not feasible people!  I haven't wanted to admit to the nurses that I might be in over my head here because I don't have a viable fashion replacement... At least I didn't have one until today!

 

Driving up to Sam's Club this morning fixed my retirement fashion woes.  What do I spy, but a woman in her 60's in polyester culottes!  I have no idea why I hadn't considered this option before!  Are they a skirt?  Are they long shorts?  No one knows unless your legs are actually moving!  Whoever designed the culotte had a stroke of genius.  Airy, light, versatile - an absolutely perfect choice for retirement attire, especially because they practically scream "fat grandma coming!"  Of course I now only have to consider what I'll wear on top.  God was watching out for me today because I found this in a back issue of the People magazine:

I'm not a lesbian - but figured if I wore this around, it might spark some interesting conversation.  I can only imagine the colorful individuals that might seek me out - especially if a pair of red culottes were swishing around on my bottom half.  Jared told me he would wear a shirt like that if I had it printed for him, but admitted shortly after that a statement like that might actually get him killed.  I'm going to have to ponder this issue a little longer in order to get it just right.  However, I can't wait too long because I only have 14 years, 5 months, and 15 days before retirement!  Anyone have a culotte pattern I could borrow?