What a Week

At last, it has happened:

Yep.  There I am in the foyer of my new home in East Providence.  I love the staircase and also the tin ceilings which are on a goodly portion of my ceilings in the new place.  I am trying not to feel overwhelmed as there is lots to do, but since I know how to do what needs to be done, life should be busy but productive.  I'm a little frustrated with the seller since she filled my recycling bin with regular trash, didn't disclose that the dishwasher was really a shit show, and put her furniture over the repairs that needed to be done on the wood floors during the showing of the house.  However, she left me three porno movies, a golf club shoe horn, and pubes and toenails in my downstairs shower drain, so I have decided she's a really classy lady and that I probably might try to be her BFF someday...  In your dreams Maria.  Don't let the door hit you on the butt on your way out...

Want to know what I was doing 2 days ago?

Unpacking.  That's what.  That pic is of the trunk of my car.  It has looked like that for one year.  Let's reiterate again that I underestimated how long this adventure to Rhode Island would take to complete.  However, I had forgotten that I had purchased a new waffle maker and had it stashed at the back of the trunk.  Do you know how excited I am to have waffles tomorrow?...  Damn.  That's how...

Know what I was doing one week ago? 

FaceTimeing my lover for his anniversary.  We normally try to go to dinner and a movie for our anniversary, followed by some naked time.  No naked time or dinner this year, but Jared took himself out to see Guardians of the Galaxy Two without me.  I know.  Classy guy.  I might compare him to Maria my seller, but he's never given me a porno, let alone three, so Maria remains my BFF...  Sorry dude....

Know what I did 8 days ago?  I rode a bus to NYC to meet up with some friends from Rexburg, including one of my students that took my old job, Marie.  Here I am bringing her some cookies:

And here we all are at the Museum of Natural History by a dino head:

Those Idaho gals wanted to go to the Museum because they thought it would look like the movie "Night at the Museum."  In case you were wondering, it didn't.  At all...  But it did have a Teddy Roosevelt statue that I spent some time molesting...

The museum was a bit of a bust, but it was nice to see some familiar faces from the west and walk around Central Park for the first time.  The highlight of the visit for me was on the bus ride home when Marie texted to let me know she had given away the rest of my cookies to a homeless lady.  Hope she enjoyed them.  I am a rather good cookie baker. 

Now that you've seen my week in reverse, here it is in real time:

That's right.  That's me sitting on my new bed in my nearly empty house, waiting for the rest of my family to arrive.  It's been a long year and I am really looking forward to having some chaos back in my life.  I also can't wait to have kids to yell at again and a husband to have naked time with, provided he stops going to see movies without me.  Goodnight everyone.  Let's hope the upcoming week is as happy as my last has been... 

Writer's Block

For the last couple of days, I've been feeling really desperate for ideas since I've been unable to come up with a blog post for about 2 weeks.  It just so happens that I have a really ridiculous cadre of friends and am related to an even more ridiculous branch of the human race.  As such, I began trolling my friends and family yesterday for blog ideas in the hope that some new inspiration would come my way.  I almost posted the inappropriate conversation I had with my eldest daughter about ejaculation, but for once, decided to give my mom a break and won't discuss it here.  If you are interested, please text me and I will be happy to forward the thread just like I did for my friends Kareena and Sarah.  In case you're wondering mom.  I was hilarious...  As usual...

Even though I didn't post Kayley's conversation about ejaculation, she did mention that she recently let a hugely disgusting fart in band that another kid got blamed for.  The kid that took the hit has Scoliosis and is quite awkward but is also kind, so it made me feel horrible that Kayley didn't step up to the plate and claim her offensiveness.  She had a lame excuse for being such a tool, but as she discussed her foul stench, I suddenly remembered that one of my favorite fart stories involves my dad.  Upon this realization, I felt like an idiot for not outing him openly on my blog before now!

Out west, there's a farm supply chain called Cal Ranch.  My kids love to visit there especially during chick season since the live birds they sell are so darn cute.  You know what I mean?  Soft, small little peepers that eventually grow up to become pooping, stinking creatures that also make delicious eggs?  AKA chickens?  Anyway, one day, my dad and mom were wandering around in Cal Ranch and my dad decided to pull one of his usual fart bombs on my mom.  As some background information, my mom can't smell very well so dad likes to fart, leave the aisle, and wait for someone to stumble on my mom in the cloud that she can't smell but they now can.  I'm sure to the untrained observer, she looks like she's totally trying to pretend she didn't fart when in reality, she just can't smell it so she can't implicate the butthole it came out of, nor does she know to vacate the area for her own health and dignity...  Anyhoo, dad prepares to drop this huge fart bomb but pooped his pants instead, so while my mom finished her shopping, dad ran to the bathroom to take off his soiled underpants.  After a secret cleaning process which has never been revealed in various accounts of the tale, he wrapped his poopy drawers up in a paper towel and stashed them under his arm.  He then came out of the bathroom and wanted my mom to leave immediately to help him hide his shame.

My mother might not smell so good, but she's a whiz at making people really uncomfortable if the situation calls for it, so she pretended that she wasn't done shopping and made him wander around with his poop treasure under his arm.  It didn't take very long for one of the Cal Ranch employees to notice that my dad was acting strange and that he also had a package under his arm, so he started tailing my dad and mom through the store.  Dad started getting more anxious and pressed my mom to leave, while mom got more and more calm and determined to make dad pay for his accident.  Dad finally decided to leave without my mom with the observant employee hot on his tail.  Luckily for dad, the employee didn't follow him outside, so my dad's unfortunate shart remained a family secret...  Well, up until today...  Also luckily for dad, my Mom finally could see that the joke had played out and that she had won the day, so she finally left Cal Ranch and headed home with Mr. poopy pants. 

I absolutely love that story.  In fact, the only thing that would have made it better is if the employee had demanded to see what was under my dad's arm.  Can you imagine?  Oh what an even more delicious story that would have been.  Best part of all?  This is only ONE of my favorite fart/poop stories.  My whole family has a huge problem with pooping our pants.  I'm convinced it's genetic.  When I asked some of my siblings for fart stories, Patty reminded me of a "Code Brown" she had in a store while looking at Halloween decorations.  My brother Sam is probably still pooping his pants daily.  My brother Jameson recently had to skip a sporting event he had tickets to because he pooped HIS pants.  I've already blogged about one of my "incidents" and I admit without shame that it is not, nor ever will be, an isolated event for me.  Seriously people, this is a fantastic genetic problem to have!  My only regret?  Not remembering how important my roots were two weeks ago.  There's no reason why my writer's block had to last so long!