Booty Call

My house in Idaho was supposed to close last Monday, but there's been a problem with my buyer's appraisal.  As such, we found out it might take another month to find out if the house is finally sold or not.  I've been feeling pretty depressed about how long this process has been taking to sell my old gal and when you combine that with how lonely I feel without my lover and gremlins around, well, let's just say I'm pretty miserable.  I've been listening to a lot of Sam Smith lately because his mournful crooning seems to match my ugly mood.  I even downloaded "Make it To Me," and have been playing it over and over as the mantra for my solitude.  I found out recently that Mr Smith is gay, which means he's begging for Mr. Right to find him.  Interestingly, I am also begging for my Mr. Right to find me.  For a while, I felt sorry for both me AND Sam Smith until I realized that Sam can't ever find true happiness because I already found the sexiest Mr. Right there ever will be.  I then decided to feel sorry for just Sam Smith and his horrible loss.  Good luck finding someone perfect to "Make it to You," buddy, it's just not going to happen with Jared off the market, and that's truly a tragedy my sad little friend...

In the midst of my disappointment and with too much Sam Smith on replay, I got to go to a conference in Atlanta, GA for work this week.  Guess who flew in to spend time with me:

Yep.  That's me and my sex riding on the MARTA just after he flew in.  I'll spare you the gory details about all the naked time we may or may not have spent together and instead discuss that this was the second time Jared and I have visited Atlanta, and I have decided I like that city quite a bit.  For starters, they have a fabulous public transit system that is inexpensive and convenient.  Jared and I rode all over that muggy town and did the other main thing we like to do together...  EAT!  As proof, here's the fat man enjoying an Arepa.  They were delicious BTW...

We also paid a visit to Martin Luther King and his lovely wife Coretta this visit.  I'm ashamed to admit that I did not know that MLK was buried in Atlanta.  Nor did I know that his church was the Ebenezer Baptist Church.  Nor did I know that he also has an eternal flame like JFK near his grave that I missed despite standing by the tomb and which my jerk lover didn't point out to me!  Know what else?  He sits on a pool of water.  I was kind of jealous, but then remembered that he was sort of a big deal during the Civil Rights Movement and probably deserved something a little special for his resting place.  Here the love birds are...

And the original church MLK gave sermons in:

We also walked around the museum where some of his artifacts are housed and enjoyed the AC because man - Atlanta sucks worse than Little Rhody for humidity!  I love the National Parks!  Mostly because I forget stuff about our Nation's history and it's always good to remember the sacrifices others have made to make our world a better and more interesting place.

Know what else made me love Atlanta this time around? 

I didn't know how much I loved fountain soda drinks until I moved to the East and found a dearth of good soda flavors in the state God intended them to be consumed in.  Rhode Islanders are so busy drinking coffee like a bunch of lunatics that they have overlooked the finer things in life...  AKA Diet Dr. Pepper.  I went back to this lovely fountain on the day I flew out and was in pure heaven.  Thank you Atlanta.

I'm back in RI...  Alone again...  but trying to be cool about it.  I have some other irons in the fire if my house deal falls through so I'm trying hard to think positive things about my future.  I will admit that I listened to "Make it To Me," about five times on the flight home tonight and fantasized about being back together again with my lover on a permanent basis.  It was a nice fantasy.  I also found myself hoping that Sam Smith had a good booty call this week like me.  Sometimes a good booty call is the only thing that keeps a person going...  Even if the best man is already taken.  Sorry Sam... Again...

Semper Fi

A few days ago I stumbled on this movie titled "Taking Chance."  It was all about a marine that volunteered to escort the bodies of soldiers killed in the Iraq War home to their families.  I was absolutely astounded at the level of respect with which the armed forces treat our fallen vets, and I bawled like a baby through most of the show.  I have been meaning to drive down to Arlington National Cemetary since I landed in RI, but the movie made it feel more urgent.  Through my ridiculous tears, I booked a hotel room and drove down to our nation's capital on September 11th, which was touching all by itself.

I've been to DC and Arlington several times but it never gets old.  It is such an amazing, peaceful area, and I feel lucky to be able to just pop down like its no big deal.  It cost me 75 bucks in tolls round trip, and though that part pissed me off, here's a bit of what happened:

I got skewered by the Wahington Monument...

I found RI at the WWII monument which was awful close to Idaho..

I need to google this monument because RI does NOT belong on the Pacific side, and it certainly doesn't belong so close to Idaho.  I must be missing something.

I also tapped Abe Lincoln on the head and thanked him for his service:

After bonding with Abe, I read the Gettysburg Address and got extra chills because I was pondering it on September 11th, and it's a darn fine speech.  Here it is if you're a slob and haven't read it...  You may have to use your zoom...

In case you've never gotten the view of the Washington Monument from Abe's perspective, here it is.  Jared calls it, "America's most famous Phallis..."

I did some other stuff on the mall but to keep you from getting bored, let's skip to the purpose of my visit; The Tomb of The Unknowns:

Isn't it lovely?  Know what's even better?

This is a tomb guard.  They are a special group of the armed forces and they guard the tomb 24/7 and 365 days a year.  They take 21 steps each way and at each pause of their watch they wait exactly 21 seconds.  Every time.  You can time them if you wish.  I always do and they are always perfect.  It is humbling to watch and I love this spot more than just about any other place on earth.  They also have a ceremony every 30 minutes or hour depending on the season where they change the guard in front of the tomb.  This time around I sat and watched two revolutions.  If you've never been, you should make it a point to go.  The US armed forces know how to honor their dead and it is a thing of amazing precision and beauty.  I didn't record it because I wanted to be in the moment, but plenty of other jackasses have, so just go to YouTube if you want a taste of how fantastic it really is.  

I rounded out my day checking out Arlington House:

I just learned about a year ago that this used to be Robert E Lee's home but when he surrendered, the government stole his house and made the grounds a cemetery so he could never come home.  Years later, the government gave his family some pitiful amount for their illegal seizure, but what could they do about it then?  Note to self:  Don't lose the Civil War...

I'm so grateful to be living in one of the states where our nation was born.  I'm so grateful for our vets - especially those that have given their lives to defend the freedoms I enjoy.  I'm grateful to have come from a family where so many members have served in the military and have taught me to love my flag, my country, and my fellow man.  I'm truly blessed to be an American.

I'm a Pest

As everyone knows, I've been really busy these last few weeks getting my Idaho house sold and a new one purchased in RI.  Being thus occupied, I lost track of how quickly my days were flying by and didn't realize until today that I haven't blogged in nearly a week.  For one second, I panicked because I thought I might have forgotten to be interesting and funny while also taking care of my responsibilities this week.  However, it turns out that even when I'm busy, I'm still me.  This simple truth means that being annoying comes naturally to me, and that my friends, is always funny and interesting.  What did I accomplish?  For starters, I sent insults by texts to nearly everyone I know and/or care about.  Two of my favorites?  When my friend, Kareena sent me this:

I texted, "nice tits!"

And how about when my sister in law sent an update about her new baby:

I texted:  "ha ha.  You have a new baby... Sucker..."

I also spent time NOT feeling or showing empathy for others this week.  My best work was with my daughter, Hannah.  She texted me her yearbook pic for this year from the school she's leaving in about a month.  She was distraught because one of the girls in line called her FunDip...

I texted her that her hair does look like FunDip but to be proud.  Then I laughed hysterically to myself and shared my joy with my parents behind her back because, of all the backgrounds the school could have chosen, what are the odds it would match the shade Hannah's sporting right now?!  That's some hilarity I couldn't have planned even if I'd tried!  No empathy needed!

Insults, zero empathy... what else have I been up to you ask?  Well, I also threatened plenty of folks.  Like when my friend, Sarah told me she's struggling with an inconsiderate neighbor in her church that constantly judges her and gives her unsolicited advice.  Did I give her Christian advice to ignore his comments and let them roll off her back?  No!  I told her to flash this pic at the jerk next time she sees him:

And let's not forget my response to my brother in law when he suggested that Rhode Island beaches are less than interesting to him:

I should have told him, "fine!  Continue to rot in that disgusting wasteland you call, "Arizona," but I was already occupied insulting someone else and didn't have time to type such a long response.  As such, the picture had to do.

You might think I'm out of ideas for how to be annoying but never fear, I Snapchatted a bathroom pic while volunteering at the free clinic tonight:

You're right.  My volunteer work can't possibly balance out my dark soul, but at least it gave me something to blog about!

At Last

Five months ago today and nearly at exactly the same time as I sit blogging, I arrived at my apartment in East Providence, RI.  I took a selfie to commemorate the day:

Know what else is significant about today?  I'm finally under contract on a house in Rhode Island!  I didn't get the original dream house I wanted, but my second choice is lovely and puts me in a nice area of Pawtucket.  Rhodies often say, "Pawtucket the bucket!"  

As I sit here contemplating the last five months, I will readily admit I was not prepared for how difficult and lonely this transition would be, but am grateful to be closer to living with my lover and babies again.  Which reminds me, there are a few things I should probably change about my behavior before they arrive:

1.  Flush the toilet more often:

I'm a hippy at heart and global warning scares the crap outta me.  I figured since I live alone, I could help Mother Earth by following the adage, "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down."  And yes, this means exactly what you think it means.  Judge all you want, but I'm sure Mother Earth has appreciated my efforts these last five months, even if no one else does.

2.  Lay off the stinky cheese:

Given that I have only myself to impress, I've been able to buy and eat whatever I want and no rotten kids have been around to complain about it.  Along with lobsters every payday, I have gorged myself on the nastiest cheese I can find because I love the stuff!  I've known for months that my fridge always smells like a butthole now, but if I've got kids opening my fridge every two seconds like they do in Idaho, the butthole stench will spread through my whole house.  Plus, yummy, stinky cheese is pricy, so I'm going to have to cut back.

3.  Stop eating in front of the boob tube:

Through our entire married life, Jared and I have protected meal times.  We don't answer the phone, we don't watch TV... Family time is important to us.  Since no one's around to have family time with, I often eat in front of my computer or the TV.  It's a horrible habit and I'll be glad to give this one up.

4.  No more Joe:

I think probably the only thing I'm going to miss about my independent life is spying on Joe the landlord every chance I get.  I like that guy and his weird habits and I'm going to miss him.  I've considered coming back to visit after settling in the "bucket," but that would just be creepy...  Sorry Joe, this is goodbye.  My family is on their way!