Kids Suck

So, we just finished our annual pilgrimage to Phoenix to spend time with Jared's family.  We always have a great time soaking in the sun, visiting strange new areas of the desert, and drinking Polar Pops.  This is an invention that Circle K has and I swear they really do keep your drink cold longer than any other beverage vehicle.  It is mind boggling to me and as if I didn't have a Diet Dr. Pepper problem in my regular life, the Polar Pop intensifies it.  I estimate I drink one cumulative glass of water the entire week we go.  It is disgusting and I refuse to dwell on it, simply because I refuse to change.  The week of vacation itself is wonderful.  The driving days are sheer hell for me.  Let me introduce you to the worst traveling culprit. 

 

 

This is Lily, my seven year old.  We started calling her "Officer Lily" recently because she is literally the Sheriff of our family.  She is the long arm of the law, the "Fuzz."  There is no childhood crime that escapes her gaze.  She wants justice and she wants it NOW!  She was angry when we started the trip because of her moniker.  She said, "Don't call me that!"  I said, "What should I call you?"  Jared pipes up, "Sir?  Ma'am?"  Let me halt the story for a moment and discuss my pure love of this man...

Any lesser weasel would have called me on the carpet about my parenting skills.  Maybe other dads would say, "Don't insult my kids."  "Please don't inflict more emotional baggage on my sweet children."  "Please stop drinking so much Diet Dr. Pepper..."  Not this hunk.  He is my partner in every way and for many reasons - including that he folds laundry - I can never divorce him.  I tried calling Lily "Officer Krupke," for awhile, but since she has not seen West Side Story yet, it didn't faze her.  Given that I started looking like a stupid nerd, I changed it back to "Officer Lily," and all was right as rain.  The pic of her crying was only the start of the week.  I managed to snap a few other behavior gems as our vacation continued, but keep in mind this list is in no way exhaustive.

I will not go into detail about each.  Just understand they all were initiated after a crime that someone had committed against the Sheriff and they were all epic in their own right.  I want to draw your attention to the first pic.  It started after we stopped at Pipe Springs National Monument for one of my many informative National Park tours.  If you want to know how awesome this is, call up my sister Briana.  She can talk for hours about how great my ideas are.  Anyhoo...  We had stopped and my older 2 gremlins had written  "Lily is Poopy" in the van dust.  She would rub it off and they would find another spot to write it.  They had her lathered up to frenzy level in exactly 2 minutes.  What do I do?  I instructed Lily to stop boobing and to observe another way to approach the problem.  I don't know if you can see it, but I wrote, "Kayley smells."  Check it out.    

It was like a bulb of enlightenment had gone off in Lily's head.  She added "like poop."  She stopped crying soon after.  The 2 teenage demons laughed and left her alone and we all toured Pipe Springs as a happy family.  It was only later that I wondered why in the hell I did that.  I can honestly say that I don't know.  I am flying blind with these five female animals I made and I have no idea what to do.  Sometimes I lecture them.  Sometimes I pull one aside and privately discuss her behavior and we have a heart to heart about how actions affect others.  And yes, sometimes I teach them to bully the bully.  I feel like if I don't change my game plan constantly they are on to me and my old offensive moves stop working.  It's horrible being a mother.  I spend half of my days fantasizing about how to rid myself of them forever and to move on with my life.  However, just when I think I couldn't possibly hate them anymore than I currently do, they thank me for dinner.  They say please to their sister, they do something so amazingly talented that I swell with pride.  And then sometimes, this thing crawls in my lap, sucks her thumb, twirls my hair around her fingers and hums to me. 

 

This is why kids suck.  I hate the ambiguity I feel when I am around them.  I am a pretty black and white kinda gal and kids force so much gray area into my life that it makes me very uncomfortable.  I cannot think of another human being on this planet that can bug me to death in one second, and make me want to cover them with kisses the next the way my kids do!  On the bright side, I only have to be an attentive mother for 14 more years.  Then I'm free to disappear if I choose.  The thought keeps me going actually.  And by the way, Kayley really does smell like poo...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

In the Beginning...

This may surprise folks but I've had multiple requests to either:

• Write a book
• Become a stand up comedian
• Start a reality show
• Write a blog
• Get out of my life forever

I decided that I would finally acquiesce to the multiple demands of my adoring fans and given that getting out of your life (you know who you are) is completely unreasonable, I would instead begin a blog.  I have worried that perhaps something might get posted that would offend one of my past, present, or current patients and cause me to lose business.  I have also considered that my mommy might notice how awful I truly am and would spend her nights crying about the child she produced.  Thankfully, I only spend about 2 milliseconds every 6 months worrying to any extent about what people think about me.  I have perfected this talent over the years and it has given me much freedom to live life to the fullest.  I do not have any tips for how to accomplish this feat in your own life because I believe it has come with age.  I am 40 and I am grouchy, and as a Certified Nurse Midwife, I spend way too much time awake in the middle of the night.  The natural consequence is that I simply do not care about the vast majority of things that go on around me.  Actually, I am beginning to sound like this cat...

See the one on the left?  That's my Hannah.  She and Kayley are reenacting a photo at Sea World from when they were little folks.  It consisted of Kayley smiling (as usual) and Hannah crying (as usual).  She doesn't always cry, but she does spend much of her life grouching and grumping and hating everything around her.  It used to really bug me but her tantrums have become something of legend and now they just make me laugh... most of the time...  I honestly believe that the only 2 people she even has slight feelings for are my brother and his wife Ember..

Look how happy she is.  She never smiles like that for me, even if it is goofy.  She also never uses anyone's Christian name.  She uses adjectives for their physical attributes or flaws.  For instance, "The Nose," "Mullet and Ted,"  "Bratkins," etc.  I was describing this behavior to my coworkers after admitting that I call one of my brothers "The Pasty Bastard."  They not so subtly insinuated that perhaps Hannah had a reason for behaving as she did.  That perhaps I was to blame.  I wanted to argue until I realized that they may be right.  This was brought home all the more sharply when I was perusing the pics on my phone and realized that at least one third were aggressive or rude in some way.  Take a look at just a few...

This last one was in response to my daughter who wanted me to take her out to lunch.  I let her know I had really important plans that day.  When she kept bugging me I felt it necessary to illustrate how unlikely it was that her pleas would be heeded.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that on this my first post, I'm going to come clean about what you can expect.  Take it or leave it people.  I don't care.  I have lots of other things I could be doing instead of listening to your judgments.  However, if you stick around, you might just learn a thing or two which will make the pain of knowing me a little less sharp.  Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride!