Hiatus

It's been nearly a month since my last post and in case anyone is tempted to accuse me of not having any adventures, the reality is that I've had so many adventures, I haven't had time to blog about them.  As proof, I could brag about all the beaches I've shown Jared and the girls since they arrived:

But maybe there's other folks out there like my Hannah who says she hates Rhode Island, the ocean, and the fact that you often have to ask for mayo on your sandwich at local shops out here instead of assuming they will automatically make your sammy with mayo.  If you're like Hannah, maybe all my beach combing won't impress you.

I could brag about how close we live to a Six Flags and that we've gone twice in the last three weeks. I possibly might add that we got rained out of Six Flags today while we stood and watched an impressive New England rainstorm which are an adventure even when they DON'T happen at Six Flags:

But, if you're like Hannah and you've already sat in the car twice during outings where a summer rain was in progress, then complained about how much water Rhode Island gets, well then maybe that doesn't seem like much of an adventure to you either.

I could discuss how I helped Hannah write a resume since my last blog post.  But since I turned my good deed into something creepy and wrong that Hannah didn't even notice...

well, maybe that's no big deal to anyone either.

Perhaps someone would like to hear about the conference I went to in Philadelphia last week.  In my downtime I saw the liberty bell...

The rocky statue...

And a dead saint whose remains hang out in this shrine at a local church...

I told Jared I wanted him to investigate whether it was a real dead saint or just a mannequin.  I thought people deserved to know if the Catholic Church was covering up some big plastic mannequin scandal and I demanded he get busy figuring it out.  As usual, my lover cares about almost nothing and wouldn't help with my expose.  The day we went to see saint Neumann was so hot and muggy that I hung out in the shrine just for the AC for about 30 minutes.  I would have stayed longer but mass was about to start and religion on my day off isn't worth the comfort of AC.  Turns out Google was more helpful than Jared cause after I escaped mass, I discovered that father Neumann has a wax mask that covers his face.  That explains why he looked like a mannequin, and though I no longer had to worry about a Catholic cover up, I was still disappointed I didn't get to see him in the state I'm sure God intended.  I thought about badgering Jared into helping me start a "Natural Neumann" movement, but I could immediately discern that was an adventure I'd have to take on myself and since I'm lazy, nothing will ever come of it...  sorry adoring fans.

What else did I do during my blogging hiatus?  Well, I've started making repairs to my walls, began stripping paint off my banisters, dug up more rogue plants from the jungle the previous owner left me in my yard, and spent time taking  pics of Jared and me naked in bed without showing that we were naked in bed, even though I've forgotten what I originally planned to do with such photos:

I've also still been battling the rash I started during the doomed exodus to the east that I discussed in my last post.  See people?  I wasn't gone from your lives for no good reason.  I've been really busy.  I hope this teaches you a thing or two about respecting my time off...

The Cosmic Joke

On June first, I watched my eldest baby graduate from high school.  It was a strange experience when I considered how quickly 18 years had flown by.  It was also bizarre because I don't feel old enough to have raised a child, but then Jared reminded me that Kayley actually raised us and thinks she's a better parent than either Jared or myself, so I guess I'm NOT old enough to have a grown up baby.  Just to prove that I am the adult and am a good mother, here's Jared and me trying to lick the graduate's ears...

I not only came home for the above graduation, but I also came home to pick up my brood and take them to Rhode Island so that we can finally be a family again.  I have been telling my coworkers for weeks what a circus this final Exodus to the East was going to be, but had no idea how prophetic my words would become.  From now on, we will refer to this experience as "The Cosmic Joke," because that's the only way to describe what has happened without using a string of foul expletives.  To illustrate what has happened to me over the last four days, I have decided to include a lovely timeline for your enjoyment:

• May 31st, 2017 8:00 PM - Receive a phone call from the UHaul in Idaho Falls with whom I had reserved a 26 foot moving truck one month prior.  Listen to the UHaul employee tell me she did not have the truck I had reserved.  Try not to call her an idiot when she says, "we have managed to find you another truck and it's in a little town north of Idaho Falls called Rexburg.  Do you need directions?"  Resist the urge to inform her that if someone is reserving a truck in Idaho Falls and is moving it one way to East Providence, Rhode Island, that person is likely familiar with the area surrounding Idaho Falls.  Snarkily demand answers for why a reservation is required for a truck that I now have to travel one extra hour and 60 extra miles to retrieve from someone completely different than the location I had originally reserved it with.  Since no real answers nor solutions are forthcoming, remember I don't work for a crappy company like UHaul and don't have to deal with rude customers like me...   

• June 1st, 2017 11:00 AM - Despite being late getting the truck we needed, Jared's coworkers load the truck in 2 hours.  Be convinced that Jared is probably sleeping with someone besides me to get good help like that, but refrain from pointing fingers because of how relieved I feel to believe that things will probably go smoothly from that point on... 

• June 1st, 2017 5:00 PM - Get to my parents house with food from Texas Roadhouse, only to realize they forgot some of our order.  Wait 1.5 hours for my sweet brother in law to be able to bring the rest to us.  Gorge myself on ribs until I feel sick.

• June 1st, 2017 8:30 PM - Feel relieved and a little sad that Kayley is a high school graduate.  Insult my mom on Snapchat when she tries to tell Kayley something nice:

• June 2nd, 2017 10:30 AM -Leave Idaho Falls for North Platte, NE 3 hours behind schedule and after only 3 hours of sleep from trying to finish packing the moving truck.  Cry 15 times in front of my dad who tells me to stop crying about everything, only to see the hypocrite cry when I finally leave his house.   

• June 2nd, 2017 1:00 PM - Hit Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  Begin to realize we are never going to make it to North Platte if everyone keeps needing to pee every hour.  Instantly realize I need to pee and demand that the caravan stop. 

• June 3rd, 2017 2:00 AM - Arrive in North Platte, NE after endless stops which I blamed squarely on the shoulders of my fellow travelers despite my own unscheduled stops.  Found out the suite we rented had a Jacuzzi tub.  Try to get my lover to crawl in with me even though he's exhausted and is asleep on the floor, and even with my good friend Lynda sleeping in the same suite with us.  After he refuses, tub with my 3 youngest kids.  Grumble silently when Kayley won't come in to take pictures for the blog.

• June 3rd, 2017 10:00 AM - Leave North Platte, NE for Davenport, IA 2 hours behind schedule because the cell phone that the alarm was set on did not automatically adjust to local time.  Say 3 bad words under my breath because I know in 30 minutes I'm going to need to pee and I'm not sure one of the other idiots I'm traveling with can take the heat for it yet.

• June 3rd, 2017 12:00 PM - After mentioning what great time we were making on our way, decide to stop in Council Bluffs, IA for gas.  Notice the rash I left Rhode Island with is spreading, getting itchier, and really bugging me.  Try to start our red Chevy truck after gas up and realize the engine won't crank.  Begin to scratch my rash like a dog with fleas.

• June 3rd, 2017 6:00 PM - Test the battery, replace the starter in the truck, still engine won't crank.  Call a tow truck and pay a dude with no teeth, a nasty goatee, and a strong cigarette odor $107.00 to tow the Chevy to a local repair shop that will take a look at it the next day.  Wonder if we should do something with our motorcycles but realize we have no way to transport them nor ability to store them anywhere else.  Watch the tow truck take them away and tease Jared that he's never going to make it to Rhode Island while cancelling our hotel reservation in Davenport, IA.  Make a hotel reservation 26 miles away in Omaha, NE since there is no vacancy in Council Bluffs, IA

• June 4th, 2017 8:45 AM - Get a phone call from the repair place that someone broke the window of the truck during the night.  Be advised he has no security cameras, but make a police report anyway.  Pleasant mechanic says he will get to the truck when he can.  Hannah advises me she ran into the wall at the hotel while trying to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and hit her eyebrow.  My friend Lynda (who was crazy enough to come with us) tells me the garbage is filled with bloody paper towels and Kayley mentions that Hannah hit the wall so loud it woke both her and Lynda up.  I say a silent prayer to the heavens that the maids don't think something creepy was going on.

• June 4th, 2017 1:00 PM - Mechanic calls back.  Turns out someone tried to hotwire the truck (probably for my sexy motorcycles) so now the repair place won't try to fix it.  Have the truck towed to the local dealership which is closed and schedule a repair time for 2:30 PM the next day.  Say a loud expletive to heaven, then say a silent prayer that no one tries to steal the car again at the dealer.  Hannah points out that the thieves are idiots FOR TRYING TO HOTWIRE A TRUCK AT A REPAIR PLACE!  My rash increases in itchiness by tenfold.  I notice I have new eruptions on my foot.  Cancel my hotel reservation in Salamanca, NY and reserve another night in Omaha, NE.

• June 4th, 2017 2:00 PM - Get free passes from the hotel for a waterslide at a local fitness center.  Say another silent prayer that God will forgive me for breaking the Sabbath to take the kids swimming.  Justify the behavior by thinking that if God loved me, I wouldn't be stuck in Omaha, NE.

• June 4th, 2017 2:30 PM - Suddenly realize we got directions to the wrong fitness center and have walked 1.5 miles out of our way.  Turn around and start walking for the waterslide anyway because now I need to wash off the SWASS I have from walking in 91 degree weather with humidity.

• June 4th, 2017 3:30 PM  - Go down the waterslide once and have a good time.  Get in line for another ride and have the lifeguards kick everyone out of the pool right before my turn so they can take their hourly 15 minute break.

• June 4th, 2017 3:50 PM - Go down the waterslide another time and get in line for a third.  Get kicked off again right before my turn because now some kid has pooped in the pool and they have to decontaminate.  Start to complain about stupid kids that shut down the pool.  Look at Lily and realize she's shut down a pool twice for vomiting in it.  Decide to let the poop crime slide.

• June 4th, 2017 5:00 PM - Get in line for another ride down the waterslide once the poop emergency has been cleared.  Have the lifeguards tell you the slide is closed for the night.  Say a swear in your mind because you realize you shouldn't have broken the Sabbath day for such a lame experience.  Walk back to the hotel in 91 degree weather with humidity.  Notice the "back way" to the hotel and realize you could have walked to the waterslide in 18 minutes if you hadn't been a douche canoe at the start of the trip.

• June 4th, 2017 6:00 PM - Finish eating Chinese food and have Hannah read the following fortune:

• June 4th, 6:01 PM - Tell the universe "up yours."

• June 4th, 2017 7:35 PM - Do some blogging while watching my kids swim at my own hotel.  Realize again I am supposed to be landing in East Providence late tomorrow afternoon.  Think about saying another swear because I have no idea what's going to happen and when I'm going to make it home.  Yell at my daughter Lily and demand she stop peeing in the pool or I'll take her back to the hotel room for the night.  Realize that it's wonderful to be back with my children and Jared again even if this "Cosmic Joke" feels like it will never end.

That's the end of my journal so far.  For those that love and care for me or my family, say a prayer that everything works out with the truck tomorrow and that we are able to leave for Rhode Island again.  For those of you that hate me and are glad for my troubles: