We Hold These Truths to be Self Evident

Jared and I just got back from a trip to Philadelphia.  I know lots of people like Philly but I think it's a stinky, dirty city, and the residents can be quite rude.  I only went because of a conference I needed to attend, not because I necessarily wanted to visit for pleasure.  This was not my first visit to Philly and unfortunately, it probably won't be my last.  It certainly is one of the most important states as far as the birth of our country is concerned and I can appreciate that.  It also is a pedestrian friendly city and boasts a pretty delicious food scene.  Public transit is also really easy to use even if the fares are a littler higher than in other US cities.  Philly also has some really beautiful architecture as far as public buildings go and I enjoyed marveling at that part of the city again this trip.  My conference was pretty time intensive so Jared and I didn't get out as much as we did the last time we were in Philadelphia, but we still managed to find some new things to see and impressive new food to shove into our gobs.


I assumed when I got back that I would have lots of evidence of the great things we did despite my dislike of the city.  When I reviewed my pictures, I found exactly two appropriate specimens.  Here's the first in front of Independence Hall:

And this one riding the train back from Boston to Providence at the end of the trip:

What the heck was I doing with my time?  Turns out I spent more time sending inappropriate pictures to my friends Kareena and Sarah then I spent documenting my trip to Philly.  In some ways, it's not really my fault.  A few weeks ago, Sarah told me she had been thinking about sending me a pic of her peeing in a hospital bathroom because I'm always sending those types of pics to her.  Unfortunately, she left her phone with her husband and the moment had flown.  She then had the great idea for the three of us to start collecting interesting bathroom pics together.  Not one to scoff at any questionable idea, I whole heartedly accepted the challenge.  First there was my artistic choice in Philly:

Followed by my more inventive choice once I'd arrived back in Boston:

Then let's not forget the pics I sent a day before I had to go back to work while I was at one of Lily's cross country meets:

Kareena was a little surprised I'd bothered in a latrine but I am committed to my craft.  Additionally, I'd like to point out that those 2 losers have yet to send anything so someone has to carry the day, and as usual, I'm happy to shoulder the burden.  I'm pretty sure there are several people in my life that wonder if I ever have a moment of shame...  or maybe they wonder if I ever consider choosing propriety over a laugh...

I guess that would be a no.

Wikihow has Changed my Life

Yesterday, Jared and I were lounging around in bed when he stumbled on some stupid video about how a lady got her cat down after it got stuck in a tree.  I for one think cats getting stuck in trees is a bunch of baloney.  If a stupid feline can climb up, let the idiot climb back on down.  How do you know that cat didn't go up there just for attention and is waiting to see exactly what lengths its owner will go to just to help it back down?  Ignore it I say.  When it sees you're not going to play into its paws, it will come down and might even think twice before it runs back up again.  Even though my aforementioned opinion about cats in trees seems logical to me, I figured I better ask an expert about whether cats getting stuck in trees is a real thing or not.  Naturally, the person I trust the most to answer all my important questions is Google, and Google did not let me down.  The jury is still out on whether I believe that cats in trees really need to be rescued, but Google did help me understand that I have completely underestimated Wikihow.  I've run into Wikihow during Google searches before for reasonable questions about such things as home renovations or landscaping.  Turns out they have some wisdom on cats stuck in trees too.  Here's the URL in case you care:  https://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Cat-out-of-a-Tree

Did I find the information useful?  No.  Did I find the information hilarious?  Affirmative.  The crazy/crazies that wrote this tutorial are definitely committed to the idea that your stuck cat might need some help.  However, they also recommend caution with tip number 7:

That's right people.  Wait at least 24 hours.  Then maybe think about getting involved in coaxing down your manipulative feline.  I laughed so hard reading all the instructions I could barely breathe.  I looked over at Jared and asked if he thought a person could actually get some helpful advice out of this website on anything they could possibly think to ask about.  Since he didn't seem too interested and wouldn't give me a search parameter, I went all in with my own great idea...

"HOW TO HAVE SEX"

Wikihow did not let me down.  Again, the URL for my favorite hit in case you'd like to peruse yourself is as follows:  https://www.wikihow.com/Have-Sex-Without-Your-Parents-Knowing

Check out the opening line I circled for you:

That's right.  And it only got better from there.  Not only is this search going to help me be creepy next time I visit my mom, I now know what shenanigans my kids are going to try in order to have sex behind my back.  I'm totally on the defensive now.  I don't need some dirty perv emitting random teenage semen around my house, and Wikihow has given me the tools to keep my house free from clandestine sex and/or semen!  I do however, take issue with the following tip:

Take it from me and an experience I had in southern Utah.  Car sex is a horrible idea.  It's cramped, it can be stifling hot, and because there's so many windows, there is a high potential for getting caught in the act.  Take it from me.  Stick to a nice comfy bed where you belong.  But not my bed....  Wikihow taught me what you are planning, so don't even think about having sex on my comfy pillowtop...

Since Wikihow had entertained me twice in one night, I had even more faith that any question I asked could be answered.  I finally got my lover on board and he wanted to know "How to wipe my can."  Did Wikihow come through?  Not exactly.  It pulled up "How to Bathe a Guinea Pig" with that search, but it also pulled up this gem at the following URL:  https://www.wikihow.com/Remove-Butt-Hair

I know...  I had endless questions myself...  Like, how many people want to remove their butt hair and actually don't know the first thing about how to get started?  Or, how many requests for a butt shaving tutorial have the editors at Wikihow gotten?  And what brand of lotion exactly would you recommend that I put on my butt?

I finally finished my Wikihow search on butt wiping and noticed that there was a "random" option on the webpage.  I almost thought my night couldn't get any better.  Are you kidding me Wikihow?  You will randomly select something fantastic for me to learn about that is going to beat everything I had searched so far?!  I absolutely clicked the random button and like the 3 fantastic experiences I had had before, Wikihow did not let me down:

Yep.  I honestly don't remember how I used to entertain myself before the internet came along.  I tried to show my daughter Hannah how hilarious my searches were, but she was unimpressed.  Turns out she already knew about Wikihow but had failed to mention it to me despite the length of our friendship.  At least she guessed that I had asked Wikihow about sex, and since I showed her my search, she'll think twice about pulling this on any of the beds in my house:

Keep up the good work Wikihow.  I can't thank you enough.