Passing the Torch

With my house in Idaho closing in 9 days, I've been obsessively pondering what's next on my horizon.  I've spent time worrying about finding a new house.  I've stressed about how quickly I think Jared will find a job.  And since worrying is one of my talents, I've incessantly wondered whether I will ever feel adequate in my new midwife position here in Rhode Island.  It's been a long year with some immense changes that have happened simultaneously and some days my head just spins.

Occasionally, I'll call my mom and whine, but since she is utterly unflappable, she cannot relate to how overwhelmed I sometimes feel.  Thus, the conversation usually ends with her ridiculing me for my concerns, but it does typically inspire me to suck it up for a few days.  Jared is always on my side and only stresses out when I'm stressed out (every other day) so I try not to bug him about my fears unless it's an emergency (every three days).  When Jared and my mom fail to assuage my panic, and just as I feel convinced yet again that I made a horrible mistake moving to the Ocean State, one of my friends or siblings will call to check on me and I feel invigorated to continue forward.  A bit ago, one of my friends texted me this picture:

Look at me!  I'm getting ready to slap a clamp on her kid's cord and I feel peaceful whenever I look at this pic.  There's something really marvelous about those first few moments after a birth when mom has laid eyes on her new baby for the first time.  She immediately begins to bond with this little soul and there have been many births that have brought me to tears.  I've had a few patients send me pictures of me doing my nurse midwife thing over the years and it's touching to see myself from a different perspective.  I consider myself a decent midwife and have felt called to my profession.  When I think about bailing, I can't even come up with a different option that would make me as happy as midwifery has.  When I thought about the last few births I've done for my friend Sarah, I realized it's just the new situation I'm in that feels uncomfortable, but I still know how to be a nurse midwife and eventually, I should feel just as comfortable here as I was in Idaho.

I also took on a new student this week:

Look how happy she looks.  That's because students and new midwives have boundless hope, energy, and excitement at the start of their careers.  I'm about 10 years in and I'm beginning to feel my age.  I also noticed that she's not stressing me out like my last two students did.  I'm actually excited to teach her a thing or two.  I had an epiphany that my feelings of care about this new student stem from a lighter schedule and lots of days off.  That alone should remind me that this change was a good one and time will continue to improve my situation.  I actually feel really sorry for the last two nurse midwives that had to cope with my sad, exhausted, grouchy demeanor as I shoved my torch of knowledge up their backsides instead of politely passing it on as I should have.  Here's my official apology to Marie and Carla.  Sorry gals, I did the best I could.  At least I don't think either of you are dumbasses anymore so next time we see each other, lunch is on me.

Life is change and it is sometimes tough to take.  However, my life is good and I've been incredibly blessed when you get right down to it.  Big deep breath midwife.  You're gonna be ok...

It's the Home Stretch Bubba

Yesterday, Bubba called to let me know something really wonderful had happened.  Turned out it was this:

For a split second I almost cried.  She's my last baby and I wasn't home for her first tooth dropping out of her beak!  Actually, another kindergartener yanked it out for her, which I thought was freaking awesome, but you get my drift...  I stuffed down my moment of panic and then remembered that I should have that kid back in my home in time to knock the next one out myself.  I asked if she had properly prepared her tooth for the Tooth Fairy to arrive, but since she has several sisters who have lost teeth to show her how it's done, I was assured that was the first thing she had accomplished once school had let out.

I know most people leave their tooth under their pillow and get a lame amount of money for their efforts.  My family, for at least two generations, has used a different kind of fairy.  Our fairy requires the tooth to be left in a glass of water on the nearest windowsill.  The next morning, the water and the tooth are gone, and in their place, the fairy leaves candy.  I have no idea where our Tooth Fairy was recruited from, but the awe of discovering candy in place of water and a tooth has fascinated everyone in my family for as long as I can remember.  It's pretty cool.  Early this morning, Bubba texted me a pic of her first tooth loss booty...

She was thrilled, and I suspect the candy was gone before breakfast time.  She sent me the text at 9 am my time, but I didn't get it until after 11.  Judge all you want, but I had the morning off and I made good use of it.  Once I rolled my bones out of bed, I found the frat house owner sick on the couch.  She had made it to work but had to come home soon after for a belly ache and some puking.  She didn't get much better through the day and by this evening, I made a run for this:

I wanted to do whatever I could to help her because I don't want her getting me sick!  I've listened to her pooping and puking several times tonight and felt panic for my own welfare.  Renee only has one bathroom and it's downstairs but I live upstairs.  I began to think about just what it would be like if I started to struggle with what Renee has.  Ten bucks says I'd be lying in my bed, feel the urge to spew or poop, would try to run downstairs to hit the john, and I'd slip and fall.  It's not the falling that scares me, it's the fear that I would then either puke and/or poop and then I'd lie on the stairs injured and covered in my own filth.  I can guarantee that Renee would not fall for the same trick I pulled on my sister Jeta years ago and I would end up having to clean up my own mess - which is awful when you are ill.  I said a quick prayer to heaven that my self-serving Christian act would be enough to allow the shadow of death to pass over me.  We shall see...

What else happened today on this, Bubba's first Tooth Fairy day?  Well, this:

Yep.  You're looking at my normal mammogram report.  I wasn't worried about it to begin with, but sent the selfie to my sisters just the same.  My jerk sister Briana snidely mentioned she was surprised my shirt was on for the picture.  I was instantly ashamed of myself and promised Briana that in two years I would take a selfie with my clean bill of health... shirtless...  She then complained by text, but my response was, and I quote, "You brought this on yourself really.  Never tempt the devil I say."  I'm glowing just thinking about how happy I will be to send that picture and how uncomfortable everyone else will be to get it.  You know, it's the small things in life that really mean the most.