My Head is Going to Explode!

There is a nasty viral sinus bug going around up here in my neck of the woods.  I have several patients who have come down with it.  My baby had it a week ago and it caused a cough that made her sound like a puppy dog when she coughed.  I am not kidding, it was literally a bark.  My sweet lover and I caught it about the same time, but he was feeling better yesterday.  I, however, was not.  As the day progressed, my sinuses were so full of pressure that I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head.  Every few minutes, I would press on my eye sockets just to make sure my eyes hadn't shifted from their normal position.  We went out to dinner last night and I couldn't even taste my meal.  What a waste!  By about 7 PM, I couldn't take it anymore so I went on the hunt for some relief.  It appeared in the form of a severe cold formulation that happened to have a bit of Unisom in it.  I was hoping it would dry out some of my secretions and because I was so miserable, I took the first dose in the store before I had even purchased the medication.   Jared and I then headed home to work on some paneling in my middle bathroom.  Check me out:

I could barely keep my eyes open!  I would sit on the tub or the John, wait for Jared to make the next cut, and then have him drag me up to help hang the panel.  I thought, "why is my mouth so damn dry and why am I so tired?!"  Then I remembered, duh!  Unisom!  When I crawled into bed, it didn't take long to crash completely into deep sleep!  I woke up this morning dry as a bone and hungover from the lingering drowsiness that happens for me with old antihistamines like Unisom.

Stupid sinus infection!  And stupid Unisom!  I have a beautiful love hate relationship with you!  I hate your side effects, but love the wonderful sleepy feeling you give me even at small doses!  I'm still congested and coughing a bit today, but as the Unisom fog is slowly clearing, I think I might actually be improving.  I decided it was in my best interest to lay off of the cold medication during the day so I can actually function.  I also considered drinking more water today to help my lingering symptoms to clear but...

Ahhhh

Due to some major life changes I have coming up, I'm in a hurry to complete my bathroom renovations.  I now have all three ripped up in some area or another.  Here's the middle tub I'm trying to fix:

Since the upstairs bathroom is totally out of commission, and I had the brilliant idea to recaulk the downstairs shower, I had no place to wash my crevices today.  As such, Jared and I ran to the YMCA to take a shower.  

This sounded like a really great idea until I realized how awful it is to leave the house  in Idaho Falls right now.  Awful, because it's colder than a witches tit!  Just how cold is that?  Cold enough to explode 10 soda cans in the back of my van after I left them there to hide them from my kleptomaniac kids!  Cold enough that my ovaries shrivel just a bit when I step outside.  Cold enough that it was only 0 degrees at 1 pm when we left to cleanse our filth!

My elder girls refuse to shower at the Y.  Hannah feels like she will be murdered in the showers, and Kayley likes her privacy.  What are they blabbing about?  These are first class accommodations!

They have been showering at my mom's or my brother's for the last 2 days.  Suit yourself I say!  Unfortunately, it was almost as cold inside the Y as out.  So cold in fact, that I doubted whether the water would ever get warm.  When it finally did, I didn't want to get back out of the shower!  I was caught in a conundrum until I remembered the sauna right in the shower area.  I strolled into that bad boy, naked as a jay bird, and figured that anyone who was also showering during the bitter cold of winter would understand.  I took in my underpants and let them crackle in the heat on the bench beside me while I began to dry almost instantaneously.  My hair nearly dried within about 5 minutes.  My buttcrack and lady bits dried out beautifully as well.  This was particularly delicious because I NEVER dry the inside of my butt.  I prefer the air dry technique over contaminating my towel for my next shower.  Dry butt crack was absolutely transcendent!  Check me out!

I let out an audible sigh!  As the hot air became more and more difficult to breathe, I decided to put on my scorching hot underpants.  It was sublime!  How is it that I have never considered the post-shower sauna before?!  Imagine how green I could be if I never needed another towel?!  I strolled out, just a little disappointed that no one else was around for me to share my new found gospel with, and got dressed.  I was so over toasty, that when we left for home, the cold drive didn't even faze me.

I don't care what my daughters think, I love you YMCA!  I'd come shower every day if it wasn't for my hubby.  I like to see him naked as often as possible, so daily showers just won't work for me.  How about every other Tuesday?...

Babies, Hatchets, and Bathtubs

I have not slept in my own bed for about five nights.  I instead have spent my week up at the hospital trying to usher five new lives into this world.  That's right folks, it averages out to about 24 hours a baby because all my ladies this week were first timers.  

At the end of my seemingly endless week, my family met me in Rigby so my kids would remember what I looked like.  After munching Bambinos on my daddy's dime, we headed over to hang at the folks.  Upon entering, I noticed my mom's new advent calendar:

My mom is holding a butcher's knife to illustrate that "Machado" means hatchet in Spanish.  When I still couldn't figure out what was going on, mom told me it was an embroidery error of someone's last name, so she got it from Downeast Outfitters for 7 bucks.  "The dowel is worth 7 bucks," she exclaimed!  I love my mommy!  The only person cheaper than me is my dear old madre (mom in Spanish)!

After trying to humiliate my mom for her supreme frugalness for awhile, I decided to take a bath to top off my evening.  Unfortunately for me, the second the faucet turns on, or the word "bath" escapes my lips, at least one of my three youngest children appear out of thin air to crash my party.  Tonight was no exception.  I don't usually discourage this behavior for two main reasons:

     1.  It takes less water to fill the tub

     2.  Hilarious anatomy lessons often ensue

Bubba crawled in and asked if my boobies only come out at night.  It took me awhile to figure out she was referring to my nipples; which happen to be far more interesting than her mosquito bites if she'd like to know!  I informed her that this is what adult female breasts and nipples look like.  She informed me that she happens to hate the way mine look.  She then inspected my navel and asked how deep I thought it went.  When I told her I didn't know exactly, she rammed her finger in my belly button up to the third knuckle and asked if I thought it felt weird.  Why no, Bub!  Cram that finger in up to your wrist!

Despite my initial generosity with my tub time, it doesn't take me long to get sick of my kids.  I kicked Bubba and Lily out after exactly 5 minutes and thought I might finally get a moment's peace.  Not to be!  This guy came in while I was dressing, claiming he wanted a peek:

The truth was, he needed to pee.  Sexy, I know.

I only have two nights left in this hellacious week, and I'm sure hoping I get to spend them in my own bed.  Maybe I'll ask my mom to use her "machado" to cut all phone communications so no more pregnant ladies can find me.  THAT would be worth 7 bucks...

Are You Kidding Me?!

I've received a wonderful holiday gift.  The meth house owners (see my What The?! post) are all going to prison for several years and have lost their house during their court proceedings.  Don't get me wrong.  I feel badly that they have made poor choices to place them in their current predicament, but I'm also sad about their dumpy house being so close to mine.  It's nothing personal you see, I just want someone to fix it up and take down the "Asshole's Garage" sign over their driveway!

Jared told me he thought they had to have their stuff out by the first of January, so I wasn't surprised to see folks with trucks outside, moving things today.  In fact, I watched this dude walk to the back of the house and wondered if he was the new owner out checking the perimeter.  Turned out he did this:

He's urinating!  I apologize for the poor quality, but I was spying through my door.  I didn't want to open the door for a better pic in case I startled him and I got a peek of his business when he turned around.  I have a deeply held belief that the penis is an ugly trick of nature and I refuse to look at any of them except the one I'm married to.  That's why midwifery is such a great profession for me...  No penises!  

Once he settled his junk back in his pants, he walked back to his buddies cleaning out the house.  I yelled at Jared, "see!  I told you nearly every man ignores hygiene protocol!  He didn't wash his hands!"  Then the bigger question arose between us:  why didn't he go into the house and use the facilities?!  I then thought of this guy:

That's my brother Jeff with his new baby. This idiot is a grown man and will walk right past my bathroom to piss off my deck out back!  Am I married to one of the very select few that are decent, kind, and hygienic?!  My man certainly isn't perfect, but in 17 years of marriage, I've never even seen a drop of pee on my toilet after he gets done in the John!

Despite my disgust with the idiot urinating across the street, I calmed my rage with the thought that I may have some new neighbors soon that will finally finish siding the meth house, and hopefully stay drug free in the process.  It's a lovely thought!

I'm a Lunatic

Jared and I own a beauty of an old home built in 1925.  For the last 8 years, we have been slowly renovating it.  Most of my family think I'm a lunatic for the amount of work and mess I am willing to live with during my projects.  Several siblings have espoused the virtues of new construction homes, but I refuse to listen.  It gives me purpose as well as a sense of satisfaction with each home repair I complete.

The problem with old homes, is that no matter how small you think a project will be, it just ends up snowballing into a gigantic fiasco.  For example, I started renovating my upstairs bathroom about two years ago.  Not only is it still not finished, but my middle level bathroom is also out of commission since I decided to replace all the plumbing in the joint while I was in mess mode.  We're down to one shower and we all have to travel three flights to use it.  It's absolutely ridiculous, but it's my life, and I have to live with the consequences of my poor decisions.

Tonight, I decided there was a spot on my downstairs bathroom ceiling that I didn't like.  It was supposed to be a quick fix.  Just a patch, some mud work, and a quick paint job until I renovate it for real someday...

I got the patch up, (the big hole is the pipe chase - it's supposed to be there) but couldn't figure out why one of the corners was bugging me.  Before I knew it, this happened:

That's the back of my hallway closet, now totally exposed in the bathroom.  Some idiot screwed it up and I couldn't help ripping it down.  Here's how Jared and I felt about it:

To the untrained eye, he might look like he always does in pics.  With my expertise however, I could immediately tell he was exasperated with me.  I started to outline my grand plans to repair that crappy closet and he not so politely reminded me that if I wasn't careful, I was going to have a toilet and sink on one floor, a shower on a second floor, and the third floor without any facilities at all.  He finished by stating, "I like to be able shower, poop, and wash my hands when I'm home."

When I told him I was going to blog about his current predicament, he suggested I take pics of all three bathrooms to adequately represent his living conditions.  I yelled, "NO!  I DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW I'M A LUNATIC!"  He just looked at me condescendingly and as usual, helped me clean up the mess for the night.  

He's right you know.  I am most definitely a lunatic.  Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure everyone who is acquainted with me already knows the truth as well...

I'm Dying...

My niece, Kate from Coeur d'Alene, made the state drama competition which is being held in Idaho Falls this year.  Therefore, we were lucky enough to hang with her and watch her perform.  We watched tonight's round at Bonneville High School whose mascot happens to be the bee.  Let me digress and say that I'm considering starting a petition to have the name changed because look at this guy...

What's up with his nose?  Bees don't use their noses to sting!  He's also too aggressive for my taste given my love of the honeybee.  This is just perpetuating myths about my beloved gals!  My mom interrupted my diatribe by suggesting he was an Africanized honey bee, or maybe a "bee"otch...  She then lost her train of thought because she thought it looked like he had a penis bulge from the front which of course is absolutely ridiculous...

Luckily for me, my mom wasn't the only freak at the competition.  See my dad being creepy with this young lady?

He had seen her earlier, crying her eyes out in front of some lockers.  Being a tender hearted weirdo, he tried to comfort her and offer assistance - forgetting he was at a drama competition.  She just stared at him and told him she was practicing.  He told me about it later and muttered that he wasn't going to talk to anyone else at this stupid function!  Poor guy got his feelings hurt, but at least this high school kiddo has some wicked acting skills!

In my folks's defense, I myself was a bit of a dork once I found Kate...

What's with my tongue?  It totally looks fake!  I was so proud!  Kate played a patient with ovarian cancer in her monologue.  In hindsight, I wish I would have known just how serious the "solo serious" classification was!  I listened to a bit about infantacide, a tirade about same sex relations and religion, and even heard some pimply dude yell:  ASSHOLE and no one even cared!  By the time Kate's group was done, I felt driven to drink just to take the edge off!  Thankfully, my dad bought candy at the concession stand for my little ones since they kept their yaps shut for one whole hour.  Nothing like a bag of Nibs to make me feel human again.

Yep, it was good to see my northern niece and enjoy her talents.  She'll find out tomorrow how well she did.  I personally think she should win just because she said "ovaries," several times.  It's a word I can definitely get behind!