At least I'm Comfy...

My stupid shower tiling is truly and honestly very close to being done.  Best of all, the Formica my mom's been messing with is done too:

I'm so sick of this project, I told her we should screw the sink.  Let the new owners wash their penis hands in the new shower I made!  She didn't disagree, so I'm considering it.  

As for the shower, I've been tiling in my underpants.  I ridicule my mom constantly for doing nearly all her work both inside the house and in the garage in just her underpants.  I actually have some very decent work clothes, but I keep them in my painting bucket on the basement floor.  Two flights down seems like WAY too much effort for grungy pants, so underwear it's been!  I don't mind being outed as a hypocrite on this issue.  I have found that my mom has lots of great ideas, so to justify my behavior, I'll just add this to her list.

One thing mom hasn't mentioned?  You're closer to your BO without a layer of clothes on.  Add that to a long day of work and an enclosed shower, and I reek.  The odor was so offensive tonight that I wanted to believe it was the mortar I was using to hang the tile.  I even sniffed my pits to give myself the benefit of the doubt...  Nope.  Me in all my glory. I considered getting the grunge clothes and bringing them up for my next date with the tile, but then I'd still have to walk two flights down and back up again to have them ready.  On second thought, I smell just fine.

Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

I'm sorry you were so upset about me painting your hidey hole this hideous gray color tonight:

As you expressed in your prickly way, I also don't understand why the realtor wants neutral colors in every room I think I can paint before the house sells.  Hell Hannah, I can't think of a single thing in my life I'm neutral about!  I'm sad about painting over your strawberry shortcake colors.  I'm nervous about leaving our home and everything we've grown to love.  I'm legitimately scared that being without Reed's Dairy ice cream and sex with your dad while I wait for school to end and you all to follow me to Rhode Island might kill me!

Rest assured Hannah, dad and I did not arrive at our decision to leave Idaho lightly.  Many sleepless nights were had, (by me only) buckets of tears were wept, (by me only) and countless prayers were offered before deciding on this new adventure.  Just remember a few things I hope this move will teach you:

     1.  When something feels right, you run with it, even if you feel like pooping your pants about it every moment of your day

     2.  You are in charge of your destiny - don't let others decide your fate

     3.  Time with family trumps money, prestige...  actually it trumps everything

     4.  Please don't get pregnant and/or start a nasty drug habit when we move to Providence until you are 18 and are no longer my problem...

Chin up Hannah, this move is gonna be a-ok.  I know this to be fact because of how close we're going to live to fresh lobster, boys in swim trunks, and Dunkin' Donuts!

Sincerely,

Mom   

The Drinks are on Me

I came home from work and saw this Monday night:

See the far right?  My home is officially up for sale.  It's sad, exciting, and downright weird.  I really hope we can find someone who will love the old gal as much as we have over the years, but as long as the check clears, I guess they can hate her if they like.  Thankfully, I'm nearly done with the third floor bathroom repairs, but have been waiting for the sink and faucet I ordered to arrive.  The faucet came today, so I wanted to send my mom an enticing notice about it so she would get her butt over to help me install it.  Here's what I decided on...

It's been several hours and I haven't heard from her.  I'm not too worried because if kind words won't draw her out, I'll nag her to death.  

You probably can't tell from the pic, but I came home with a raging headache tonight.  For those tempted to ask if I might be having caffeine withdrawal, I'm not!  I've had plenty of Diet Dr Pepper today.  Jared thinks the headache is exhaustion related since I haven't slept much in the last two days because of my endless baby catching.  Regardless of the cause, I was miserable.  I decided to go shower in the basement to see if I finally got the leak in the shower door fixed - and to see if some scalding water might relax me and kill the headache.

My eldest suffers from terrible migraines, so the little sweetie brought me some Excedrin Migraine, and Diet Cherry Pepsi since soda and pills help her immensely.  She was bummed to find me in the shower, but I told her I'd take her kindness anyway.  She thought Pepsi in the shower was ludicrous, but I thought it luxurious!

I stood in the boiling downpour and sipped my icy beverage, pretending I was in some fancy spa where conventional rules of polite behavior did not exist.  When Bubba discovered me relaxing with my Pepsi, she hopped right in and begged for a sip.  With no small amount of enthusiasm she quipped, "I'm drinking naked in the shower!"  See Kayley?  I'm not a lunatic!  In fact, bring another round for all my friends!  It hasn't helped my headache a bit, but it has helped my soul!

I'm a Real Boy!

Since I'm moving 2,500 miles away from my mommy soon, I decided I better start practicing being a grown up.  I decided my behavior needed to change in three ways:

     1.  Stop stealing stuff from mom's house all the time

     2.  Start returning all the stuff you've stolen from mom's house

     3.  Learn how to do the home repairs you always call your mom to do

I have been pondering these changes for about two weeks but have yet to improve myself.  In fact, my mom has this multi purpose tool she has been letting me borrow, and I'm trying to figure out how to take it to Rhode Island with me before she notices it's gone.

Unfortunately for me, I was forced to work on goal number three today because my folks went to Logan for a hockey game with the Pasty Bastard.  I absolutely am in a time crunch to get my shower tiling finished because the realtor wants to list the house next week - complete with pics!  Therefore, I knew I couldn't waste a tile day waiting for my mommy.  The thought pissed me off so much, I texted this to Jameson:

He and mom just sent back hockey and zamboni pics to piss me off further.  Given that daylight was burning, Jared and I got started.  Check out the floor!

It looks great!  And no mommy was in sight!  This is how I felt about it!

That's me thinking, "that's right mommy! Check out my floor!  You ain't no big deal!"  I have to let the floor cure for 24 hours before I can do a lot of maneuvering on it to finish the walls.  I'll do some painting and caulking elsewhere to kill time.  Since my mom will be back by then, I can point out how grown up I am so that maybe she'll get back to work as she should.  

As for my other two goals?  Well, I'll figure those out eventually, but mom ain't getting back her nice food scale I stole.  I deserve to keep it for all the growing up I had to do this week!

Farewell Mr. Bowie

Apparently David Bowie just died.  I guess I have to believe the experts, but I can't wrap my head around the fact that David Bowie no longer inhabits this planet.  I actually was watching some weird music video he did with Tilda Swinton the night before he died, because I heard he had a new album that came out on his 69th birthday.  Jared and I watched this odd piece of art and I commented about how well Bowie had aged.  About 4 hours later, while attending a birth at 1 AM, I received the sad news.  How did I receive the news?  Why from my very hip elder daughters of course!

I will pause here to review how awesome my daughters' taste in music is.  They have awesome taste, because Jared and I have awesome taste!  Although my girls dabble in a bit of fluff such as Bieber, One Direction, and no small amount of Taylor Swift, they also have a great appreciation for the greats.  Who are the greats?  Well, the Doobie Brothers, the Who, Bad Company, Etta James, REO Speedwagon, etc. etc. etc.... and yes, David Bowie!  We all love that freak!  Hannah especially is obsessed with his Jareth character from The Labyrinth.  If you haven't seen that Jim Henson classic, then baby you are missing out!  How about his love song "Let's Dance?"  "Put on your red shoes and dance the blues," Bowie croons.  I can see his long, skinny, creepy legs swaying to the beat and his nasty penis bulge pounding the air every time that song comes on.  It's true that much of his art is weird and strange, but the dude had pipes and I will miss him.

At one AM when the news came down, I was trying to coach a woman through transition.  She was screaming lots of swears and I had to put my phone on silence because of the hail of text messages I was getting.  The girls were so upset about Bowie!  I told them to calm down; that everyone dies except for me.  This did not go over well.  In fact, this is what transpired:

I love my girls.  And yes, I love you David Bowie.  Rest in peace you long, skinny freak.  We shall meet again one day...

The Hand of Providence

For multiple, and possibly hair brained reasons, Jared and I have decided to move to Providence, Rhode Island.  Since the news first broke, we have had several people tell us that they don't know a single person who has ever even lived in Rhode Island.  Our optimistic response?  "Now you do!"  I happen to know a complete lunatic from the Providence area.  This cat:

Isn't she cute?  She's pretending to steal and/or ride Jared's motorcycle.  She took this lovely when we were out of town.  Despite her negative attitude about all the yelling, crime, and rats I will find in Rhode Island, we have decided to move anyway.  Only when the decision was final did she admit it was an awesome place that I will totally fit into!  Unfortunately, the decision has forced my fat can into gear to finish some of my remodeling projects; the biggest being my upstairs bathroom.  For two solid weeks, Jared and I have done nothing but go to work, then come home and go to work again!  Our persistence has paid off, because I'm getting close to being done.  Here we are putting backer board up in the shower:

    

This is literally the only time I've been in a shower with this guy and not been naked.  See how he feels about it?  Yep, the same as he feels about everything else... Nada...  I shower with this guy every chance I get and always have.  I've read lots of magazine articles about liberated women who like their space and shower alone.  I say HOGWASH!  Any day I haven't seen this guy in his birthday suit is just another day wasted!

We made this new shower totally enclosed with a lovely little light inside.  I wanted it to feel like a spa, but he's worried about the space.  I made sure he wasn't trying to get out of showering with me when it's done, but he assured me he will make do.  I comforted him with the thought that we are really finishing the shower for someone else.

Yep, I'm nervous, scared, and excited for my big move.  I'm also sad to leave my lovely home!  We have loved this place for close to 9 years now!  However, change is good, and I hope both kinds of Providence will be good to us.  So, if anyone wants a lovely private shower for groping their naked partner in, won't you think about buying my love nest?...

Finally!!!

Since Jared took last week off, spouting all about having a long holiday vacation, I taught him a lesson and made him my home renovation slave instead.  We painted, caulked, textured, and cursed.  Thankfully, 7 days later, we're nearly done with two of my bathrooms and one long hallway that has needed some attention since I moved in 8 years ago.  

One of the problems when I get started on a project I actually intend to finish, is that I can't focus on anything else.  I didn't cook a single meal this week and since I barely paid attention to my kids, I doubt they ate much more than cheese and crackers during the day.  Don't feel sorry for those rats because I took them out to dinner every night.  Here we are at Papa Tom's on Saturday:

I am a pizza snob and this is one of my favorites.  When we dine in, I'm always worried I'm going to contract an STD because this place is skanky!  However, I have found through much experience that some of the visually nastiest establishments serve the best food, so I try not to judge a book by its cover so to speak.  Tom's food speaks to my soul, even if the decor does not...

After stuffing ourselves on pizza last night, we finally got the main finishing touches done on my middle bathroom.  I realized I haven't had a working tub in my house for nearly two years, so I dropped my pants in front of everyone in my path, and found myself here:

It was magical.  My eldest jerk babies ridiculed me but I didn't care!  I refilled that tub 4 times so I could soak as long as I pleased while listening to my Pandora stations on shuffle.  

I still have some work to go, but I'm pretty close to being done - except for my third floor bathroom that still needs tile.  No problem, I told my mom she better show up on Tuesday to help or else!  I'm considerate that way...