Well Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was nice to spend ours with my friend Renee and her family. The food was good, the company was fine, and nothing started on fire. Disappointing, but expected. Here's some photos of our day:
No sooner had we finished eating then I realized I normally set up my Christmas tree on Thanksgiving day. Only problem? My front room still needed new paint and was in no condition to accept the beauty of the season. As such, I bullied Jared into letting me stop all the sanding I've been doing on my doors and banisters and let me get the front room done instead. For the last two days, I have done nothing but paint, then go to work, then paint some more. I let youtube babysit my children and didn't think twice about my poor decision. Want to know what Bubba did while I was distracted?
Yep. I have four videos of her doing that very thing on my phone. Obviously she was bored. I won't deny what a neglectful mother I am, but she'll be happy once the tree is up.
Although painting can be tedious, it's actually quite an inexpensive and satisfying upgrade to a room. Maria the jerk had my front room painted this poop brown color. She had multiple different types of texture on the walls and two holes that used to hold sconces over which she screwed a plastic cover. I'd like to spend three years complaining about all the problems in my house, including that I now need a new furnace because Maria bought the cheapest unit ever and then had it installed incorrectly. However, I've been running into quite a lot of writer's block lately so I need to save a few ideas in case I get into a blogging emergency. Therefore, let me just say that I picked a beautiful yellow color and after all the repairs and finish work is finally done, that front room will be comfy, cozy, and ready to accept a Christmas tree.
Although I think I do a nice job with painting and choosing colors to match my bright and colorful soul, my sister Briana thinks my taste in colors is ridiculous. She is by far my worst critic, and spent a lot of time telling me how gaudy and trashy I was when we both lived in Idaho Falls. I let her help me pick out my front room color in Idaho so that I would have one room that wasn't a carnival color. She found a shade called Malted Milk that was just lovely. We found a light blue to match and I immediately told her it was going on the ceiling. She berated me and told me decent people don't paint their ceilings weird colors. I didn't listen and as a consequence, it was gorgeous, and even Briana admitted she had been wrong about her ceiling rule.
When I started slapping my yellow on the walls yesterday, I got a little nostalgic, so I sent a selfie to Briana.
I'm sure deep down she really does like the yellow and is jealous of my unabashed living because today she texted me and told me she missed me and wished I hadn't moved so far away. I know Briana. I'm pretty fabulous You don't have to tell me twice. Actually, I kind of miss her too because who is going to keep me from making poor color decisions? No one. That's who. Oh well. I guess the vibrant yellow stays and it's one more thing that is helping Maria and her horrible influence to disappear from this house. Happy Holidays and good riddance. May the peace of the season keep you far away from me.
As you may have noticed, Thanksgiving is a week away. Because I don't have my mommy to feed me anymore, I had to make alternate plans so that some other sucker will cook a turkey for me. Last year, I was living with Renee and so by default, her family invited me to their Thanksgiving feast. A few weeks ago, I invited myself and my brood over to Renee's celebration for a second time. Luckily for me, she still doesn't know what a dirtbag I really am deep down, so she agreed to let me come over. My assignment is gravy, rolls, and dessert. I would have agreed to almost anything as long as I didn't have to take responsibility for the turkey! I have a sneaking suspicion that I will never experience the nonsense that has often been a part of mine and/or Jared's family's Thanksgiving celebrations when hanging with Renee. You want examples? How about the fact that Jared's family colors their mashed potatoes every year. Do you know how creepy it is to eat orange, green, or pink potatoes? What about the time my sister Chris served us a raw turkey? Or even the time that we lit the sweet potato casserole on fire three times before it could make it to the table. I can even mention the time my dad bought a bunch of crappy pies from the Schwan man which I bet cost him a million bucks. Then he was mad when we all ended up making homemade pies anyway because frozen pies taste like B-U-T-T-H-O-L-E-S. As a consequence, we had even more pies than normal and were forced to eat his yucky ones just so he would shut up about all the money he spent. Yeah, Thanksgiving at Renee's is probably just going to be a bunch of good food shared with people that behave themselves, but no one is perfect I guess.
Since the holidays are on their way, eggnog has made it's annual appearance as well. Thanksgiving might be around the corner for me, but Reed's dairy no longer is. This means that there is no eggnog joy in my life anymore. I have made a few attempts these last 2 seasons to find an acceptable substitute, but such a thing does not exist and never can. I cannot stress enough to those who are unfamiliar with Reed's dairy, that their chocolate milk, eggnog, and chocolate eggnog can never be equaled... Ever... Period... Believe me when I say, that unless you take a trip to Idaho Falls, ID and taste the magic for yourself, you will never understand how empty your life has been, and how meaningless it will be ever after as long as Reed's is not available. Here's my eggnog attempt this year...
I'm secretly hoping that my dad reads my blog and will feel tender towards me and spend a million dollars to ship me some Reed's eggnog instead of wasting his moola on more crappy Schwan's pies. However, my dad reads meaningful things like WWII books, and books on the American revolution, and the newspaper. He most certainly does not waste time reading the fluff that one finds on the pages of my blog. I know my mom reads my blog, but she's cheaper than I am, so she'd never feel sorry enough for me to ship me eggnog. The last thing she mailed me was a paint scraper that she got for free from someone. I'm also pretty sure she had my dad mail it so that she wouldn't have to waste her own dough helping me out. Don't deny it mommy, I respect your frugality. Plus, I actually love that scraper and hope it lasts so that I don't have to spend MY money on a new one.
Oh well, Thanksgiving is gonna be different from now on. It's also gonna be several seasons before I am able to get home for some real egg nog. It's cool. I'm over it already. Know why?
This week I had two small roofs repaired on my home that ended up costing me more than was quoted when I agreed to purchase the house. Worse still, I learned that I now need to replace all the gutters and downspouts on my house as well. I cried a little when I found out. I plotted the previous owner's death for the 20th time. I then swallowed my anger and came up with a plan to get the money I need for repairs. Just when I think that I can't take anymore bad news about my house and that I am willing to go to jail for some heinous, violent act against Maria the jerk, something wonderful happens. Like driving to Salem, Massachusetts to check out the nonsense at Halloween time. It was ridiculous how many people were there, but it's pretty fantastic that it was no big deal for us to go. Here's the three littles with my friends Renee and Briana in front of the Witch House. Hannah of course would not get in the pic:
Know what else kept me from killing Maria? Remembering how wonderful it is to live in New England and to be able to watch the leaves change. We decided to go on a Sunday drive up north and drove to Portland, Maine to check out their leaves. That's right. It's no big deal to pop up to Maine from Rhode Island:
We had a lovely time. Even Hannah. Check it out:
Ok. I know it doesn't look like she's having a good time, but at the end of our trip, she found a rock placed there by some crazy group that hides rocks and she was pretty stoked about it...
We posted the pic to Facebook as they requested and then promptly mailed the rock to Kayley so that she could hide it in Idaho somewhere. I hope the rock lunatics from Maine enjoy my effort.
I also took a reprieve from hating Maria the fibber when this guy showed up:
That's right! He's raiding the giant rock pile Maria left! He filled his truck and then asked to come back on Wednesday for more. You bet buddy. I'll tell Maria you give your good wishes.
It also was wonderful to spend our first Halloween together in Rhode Island. The kids made out like bandits and I got to enjoy listening to them get candy from the Mafia. Seriously, the accents here are awesome and it still feels like every Rhode Islander has to be in the mob just because of the way they talk. I also loved how many of the people stood outside waiting for the kids to arrive so that they didn't even have to knock on the doors. Seriously Rhodies. Can you be any cooler? Here's the trick or treating crew this year...
Yep, I've had a lot of disappointment with my new home, but it's also huge, has a nice big yard, and still has a lot of potential, provided I can continue to find the dough to make my vision a reality. You're lucky I have such a positive attitude Maria. It's the only thing keeping you alive...
One of the biggest changes that Jared and I have experienced with moving to Rhode Island is the amount of increased taxes that we pay when compared to Idaho. Extra taxes on our cars, our home, and our paychecks. I'd like to say that I can see a benefit with all the extra money that we have been paying, but unfortunately, the government in the East seems to be even more irresponsible with my money than the government in the West was. Perhaps the biggest annoyance with paying increased taxes, is that the schools can afford to have a school nurse in every school. I am convinced that these women are paid just to piss me off and I much prefer Idaho's school system where they could not afford to pay anyone with any kind of medical background to stick their noses in your business. Your kid would have to be nearly dead before anyone would notice, let alone have the guts to call you to come pick them up. Given that my approach to childhood illness is based on the assumption that every kid is lying about every health ailment until proven otherwise, the Idaho school system suited me just fine. My kids have been in school for exactly 7 weeks in Rhode Island, and I have already had 4 phone calls from the school nurse, three of them from Bubba's!
My first encounter with the efficiency of the school nurse program happened during the first week of school. I filled out paperwork on every single one of my daughters at the main district office prior to the first day of school and gave permission for the school nurses to give basic over the counter medications like Tylenol and Ibuprofen. This was done in an effort to cut any whining off at the pass. Unfortunately, Hannah had a headache at school so the school nurse called me to ask if she could give Hannah some Ibuprofen.
Me: I filled out the permission slip at the district office giving you permission
School nurse: I don't have that slip here at the high school
Me in a condescending and impatient tone: Well I filled one out and gave permission for you to give her anything you can
School nurse: Well, can I give her some Tylenol
Me, after a pregnant pause: Uh, yes. That's why I gave permission at the district office. Can you mark that down for the rest of the year please?
School nurse: Sure, but I'm going to go ahead and give her some Tylenol today ok
Me, not very genuinely: Thanks
Me to Hannah later: Start carrying Ibuprofen so that the school nurses will stop bothering me...
I stupidly thought my troubles with the school nurses would be over, but not three days later, Bubba's school nurse called me...
School nurse: Elizabeth fell off of the monkey bars and her wrist is hurting. You may want to think about coming to get her to take her to the doctor
Me: Is she moving it?
School nurse: Actually she's moving it very well and she's even seems to have full range of motion but you know she did fall on it pretty hard.
Me: Well I don't want to come get her if she is doing ok
School nurse: Do you want to talk to her and see what you think?
Me, humoring the school nurse: Ok.
Bubba: Hi mom. I don't know what they did with my lunch box. Are they still going to let me eat lunch?
Me, after telling Bubba to put the school nurse back on: I think she's ok
Jump ahead to about 3 weeks ago:
School nurse: Hi, Elizabeth has a fever of 99.2 and has a cough and it sounds horrible
Me: 99.2 is not a fever. I am not taking her out of school for that
School nurse: Well that cough sounds terrible
Me: She's a kid and she gets a cough several times a year. I can't take her out of school for a cough.
School nurse: Well can I give her some Tylenol for the fever
Me, after exhaling very dramatically: I filled out a permission slip for all the girls weeks ago
School nurse: I don't have it. Can I please give her some Tylenol
Me after another long sigh: Yes please
School nurse: I'm going to watch that fever and if it doesn't come down you are going to have to take her home.
Me, not feeling very genuine: Ok, thanks a lot
Fast forward to today. My Bubba actually tried to die this week and caught pneumonia. I took her to the doctor twice, started her on antibiotics, had her out of school for a total of four days and had a Dr note to send her back today. Unfortunately, I slept in and my lover walked her to school instead of driving her. Therefore, her angry little lungs were stimulated and she was coughing up a storm when she got there. Guess who called?...
School nurse: Hi, Elizabeth has a horrible cough and I need to send her home
Me after arguing with the nurse for a while: No. She has a doctor's note to be back in school
School nurse: But she's coughing and coughing and can't stop
Me: Listen, her doctor said she shouldn't be taking anything for the cough so that her lungs can clear it, so am I supposed to give her something to stop the cough so that you won't call me and try to send her home?
School nurse: But I feel terrible for her. She doesn't have a fever but she sounds terrible.
Me, barely holding back my rage: She has pneumonia. She's going to cough. She's on antibiotics. I can't keep her out of school anymore. She's been out for four days and the Dr. said she could go back today. My husband walked her to school and shouldn't have. The cough will calm down. Just watch it for awhile.
School nurse: She's been out for four days? Ok, I'll try sending her back to class...
What happened? Well, Bubba finished the school day, and I went to Ikea and hung out with Jared that's what. Why? Because I'm a mom that won't be swayed by the silly worries of a school nurse, even if my taxes help keep her in the school. She needs to come and hang around with me at home sometime and grow a spine. Kids lie about everything! You as the adult have to be able to see through their shenanigans. I'm a momma that believes you have to be actually dying before I'll let you skip the hot mess we call the public school system and I'm happy to teach my expertise to any novice that wants to learn my ways. If anyone needs further proof that I did the right thing, just check out what Bubba did with my phone right before bed:
That's right. I know what I'm doing people. And by people, I really mean the school nurse...
It's been muggy and hot the last several days in Rhode Island. Given that fall weather will soon be on its way, I decided to take the littles to a beach for some end of season ocean time. I was on call the day we decided to go, so I decided to take the kids to the Warwick City Beach since its closer to the hospital then some of my other options. That way, my turds could enjoy the sunshine, but if a pregnant lady decided to poop out her baby during my outing, I could get back to help her without a lot of fuss.
Since it's the end of September, and Warwick City Beach is not one of the south county beaches, it was nearly deserted. It was hot, sunny, quiet, and perfect...
Once we landed, Bubba announced that she needed to go to the bathroom. I told her there was a porta potty open for her convenience. She then insisted that she planned to pee in the ocean. I then informed her that there was no reason for her to foul the ocean when a perfectly good porta potty was available. I tried to tell Bub that although I find pool peeing and pooping in any body of water a crime punishable by death, ocean and lake pissing is more negotiable depending upon the availability of adequate toilet facilities. As there was a perfectly good porta potty, I insisted again that Bub use it. After five exchanges with me demanding use of an actual toilet, and Bub demanding the use of the ocean as her toilet, I finally gave up arguing since I wasn't totally sure she needed to go anyway. Unfortunately, Bubba really did need to go to the bathroom and took my pause of silence as a stamp of approval. No sooner was she up to her calves in the water, then she began to let loose with a stream of urine a horse would envy. Wouldn't you know it, she also started pissing right in front of the only other family on the beach. Yep. Classy. I tapped her on the head and stuck my face close to hers to give the family sitting behind us the illusion that I was scolding Bubba. In reality, I was telling her that next time if she was going to pee in the ocean, she should at least submerge her butt in the water so no one would know how trashy she and her mother really are.
After the pee debacle, I sat on a bench and watched my babies try to catch bait fish and molest little hermit crabs. I also spent a fair amount of time giggling as Bub ran away from imaginary crabs in the water that she was sure were going to pinch her. I probably spent an equal amount of time telling Bubba to stop throwing sand... Add in the cold Diet Dr. Pepper I brought along for the ride and I was in pure heaven people. After about 20 minutes, I noticed this lady sitting on a inflatable raft, hanging over the edge and dangling her arms in the water. Sometimes she would lay back on the raft and dig around with her toes. She wasn't very far out so I wondered if she was digging clams. However, she didn't have anything to put the clams in on her raft, so after about 20 more minutes spent watching her, I decided she was probably just a weird loon doing some sort of strange exercise on her raft. Turns out my original suspicion was correct, because she finally dragged her raft in from the water with one hand, and started yelling at the father of the family who got to see Bubba empty her bladder. "Quahogs!" She yelled at this complete stranger. "Come see the clams I just dug!"
One of the things I love about Rhode Island is how often complete strangers yell at other complete strangers so that they can have a conversation with them. Sometimes they both yell at each other from the original distance, and sometimes, they gravitate together and visit face to face in a more respectable, if somewhat loud manner. The father walked over to her and I could see they were discussing the quahogs and decided I was NOT going to be left out of this conversation. I wandered down to the beach and the lady immediately started yelling at me about the quahogs. Turns out she not only had four clams in her hands, but had been stashing the others in her bathing suit top:
It was then I noticed that besides her toes, she had been using a car ice scraper to dig them with! Here's her haul when she had emptied out her bra...
She then began to tell us about how she rescues "dawgs" and proceeded to give my kids a "dawg" toy to play in the ocean with, which they promptly began to do. Then, she and the father stranger began talking about how much they liked Warwick City Beach. The dude's wife then wandered over and before you knew it, the clam lady had introduced herself to all of us and all of us introduced ourselves to her and to each other. Then, we all stood there talking about various things for another 15 minutes. After our nice visit, she called us all honey and she kissed us on the cheek New England style... Yet another thing I love about Rhode Island. By that time, it was getting to be dinnertime and I needed to get home to see my sexy lover and make him some supper. I called the rats out of the water and off we went with sand between our toes, a smile on our lips, and some of us, with pee drying on our butts. A most satisfying outing indeed. Here it comes, I'm a broken record... I LOVE RHODE ISLAND.
As all of my Snapchat friends know, I am in the process of a giant home renovation. One of the biggest components of my renovation is my antique pine banisters... that some douche canoe faux painted so that they would look like wood! I have been stripping and sanding those pitiful banisters nearly every day since I moved into my home about 4 months ago. It is tedious and painstaking work, and most days I feel like I am barely closer to finishing than I was when I started. Best of all, the rest of my life continues to need my attention. Thus, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, and watching my remaining brats, often punctuates the down time I have from my refinishing work. However, if you think that my life sounds like drudgery, you would be wrong, because I live in Rhode Island. True, sometimes my downtime is filled with tedious work, but it is also frequently filled with fantastic new adventures. Why, this last week alone, I went to the Nordic Lodge with Jared and my friend Renee. What is the Nordic Lodge? Why it's an all you can eat seafood buffet, and because it's in Rhode Island, perhaps you can begin to imagine the wondrous delights I found there. The outside alone is breathtaking. Here's my lover in awe of the pond it overlooks:
There's hammocks, benches, picnic tables, and chairs of all kinds all the way around the building for people to sit on while they wait for their turn at gluttony. I found this one after my meal and Jared has agreed to reproduce it for me:
I actually couldn't figure out why they needed so many places to sit until AFTER I ate. I managed to eat 2 lobsters, about a ton of fried scallops, one raw oyster and one raw littleneck clam (because I am trying to be a legit New Englander) at least 1 kilo of jumbo cocktail shrimp, 3 King crab legs, 2 Diet Pepsis, some pineapple and watermelon, one bite of garlic bread, an ice cream sundae made from Hagen Daas ice cream, several pastries, a brownie, countless bites of Renee's and Jared's desserts, and 4 chocolate mousse cups. I know. Disgusting. But it was 96 bucks a head and lobsters are only 4.99 a pound at Market Basket right now. Therefore, you can see that I had a lot of eating to do to get my money's worth! It was after I completed my appalling show of gluttony that I realized how important all the seating outside was. I could barely breathe when we left. For that matter, I could barely move! When Renee asked if we could wait while she went to the bathroom, I gladly agreed so that Jared and I could fling ourselves in a hammock and let our bursting guts level out and relieve some of the unforgiving effects of gravity. I still felt ill the next day and told Renee to never take me to the Nordic Lodge again.... until someone I know comes to visit... and then we need to go back immediately! It was a fantastic adventure. Way better than sanding my banisters!
What else did I do? Well, I've been babysitting my parent's three legged cat Dexter. How did Dexter get all the way to Rhode Island? Well, he isn't really here, but my youngest demon likes to think she is Dexter. Occasionally, she will go several weeks without pretending to be a cat, then will suddenly remember how much she likes to be Dexter, and then she does nothing but meow for every word she says. Sadly, no one in the family but Bubba speaks cat, so she's forced to meow in frustrated tones while using hand signals to convey her desires. It's magical really. I managed to have Dexter in my car on the way to Boston yesterday. Here he is:
Why was I going to Boston? Well, because I live in such an awesome place, I have season tickets to the theater, and so Jared and I got to take Hannah to see Phantom of the Opera at the Boston Opera House. Jared and I have seen it several times, but this was Hannah's first opportunity and she was excited! For anyone that has never seen the Boston Opera House, you should try to get there! It has a long and storied history and was even owned by old Joe Kennedy at one point. It is absolutely gorgeous from every angle and Hannah managed to snap a lovely pic upon our entry:
It was a wonderful show, and for the second time this week, it was way more interesting than sanding my banisters and attending to my other menial tasks. Isn't that picture lovely? You know what's even more lovely? The item you probably missed in the bottom half of that picture Hannah took. That's the thing about Hannah. She's savage and I believe she came straight from the bosom of Satan. Hannah noticed immediately what was in the lower corner and cropped her picture accordingly. Let me save you the effort of zooming and include her second rendition of her original pic:
I know. It should absolutely become a viral meme. Don't bother trying to come up with anything. Hannah will think of some way to use that picture in a million different combinations, each more savage and rude than the last. It's been a pleasure to get to know her dark gifts so intimately. I lead a blessed life, especially when I'm not sanding my banisters...
As most of you are probably aware, I love Rhode Island. I mean I love Rhode Island. I love the scenery, the crazy people with their crazy accents, the food... I just LOVE Rhode Island. Since my lover arrived with my stinky kids, I haven't once considered moving back to Idaho. However, I do miss lots of things about the Gem State and sometimes wish I could transplant them to the Ocean State. Some of the things I miss are my mommy and daddy, my eldest brat, a few weird friends I left behind, some of the lovely patients and professionals I used to work with, the mountains and the stars... Oh, and I miss this:
That's right. I miss a grocery store. WinCo has bulk food, cheap bread, cheap produce, an extensive Mexican food product aisle, and WAY more variety than any of the stores out here. It's ridiculous how much more variety this one store has over all its New England rivals combined. I could literally do almost all of my shopping at WinCo and that often included most of my toiletries as well. I detest shopping, but I could get it over with in about an hour if I didn't bring my brats with me and if Jared didn't throw a fit when I wouldn't buy him something out of the quarter candy machines.
Since moving to Rhode Island, I feel like singing Joni Mitchell's Taxi Cab song. "Don't it always seem to go... that you don't know what you got til it's gone..." I realize that most people probably think Joni was talking about major social issues like deforestation and overuse of pesticides. However, I believe she must have been discussing my feelings about Winco, because I sure wish I had appreciated and cherished Winco more when I was home.
For those of you tempted to think I am being melodramatic here, think again! I did my twice monthly grocery shopping yesterday and it took me about 4 hours to complete. I had to go to four stores to find the best deal on the things I needed and it was horrible. For the first time in my life, I have to go through the grocery ads and make a plan. There are things I sometimes have to forego until next paycheck because I run out of my budgeted grocery money faster here since almost everything is more expensive! I've had to give up my expensive cheese habit in favor of essentials like bread and milk and bananas and it's pissing me right off! I also can't find a lot of things we as a family used to eat a lot of, or else I have to go to several stores to find said item. Want to know what one of the toughest and most expensive item to find has been?
That's right people. Wheat farina cereal. I could buy this crap for less than 2 bucks a pound in the bulk section at Winco. If I wanted it flavored, it was only a couple of bucks a box and I could find several flavor varieties with Maple and Brown sugar being the favorite choice. Don't misunderstand me. I love wheat farina but could absolutely live without it. The problem is that this cat loves it:
Emma could eat Cream of Wheat every day of her life if I would let her. And since I love Emma, I love to buy her Cream of Wheat. I couldn't even find it at the Aldi's where I do some of my shopping, and I haven't been able to locate a box of the Maple and Brown sugar flavor in any of the stores out here unless I wanted to buy it in individual packs, which I don't. Stop and Shop had it for almost 5 bucks a box. 5 BUCKS A BOX! This stuff is made out of wheat not gold you retail morons! I left the store in disgust and considered giving Emma up for adoption so I wouldn't have to deal with the problem any further. However, I decided to try the place that usually bails me out of nearly any shopping problem I have... Amazon... Unfortunately, Amazon had sellers that wanted to charge 9 dollars a box for stupid Cream of Wheat. The upside was they had any flavor I could want, the downside being, IT'S CREAM OF WHEAT AND ANYONE THAT PAYS THAT MUCH FOR CREAM OF WHEAT DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR ASS KICKED! It only took me about five minutes to realize that Amazon was not going to save me this time and I threw my phone down in disgust.
Thankfully for Emma, I rarely give up on solving important life problems and that includes keeping Cream of Wheat in my house. A few days after my initial search left me defeated and angry, I went ahead and bought a box for almost 5 bucks at the local Shaw's, thinking 5 bucks isn't that much for something that Emma loves so much. Fast forward about 1 week and I noticed this morning that there's only one serving left in the box I bought. Suddenly, five bucks seemed liked way too much to be spending for Emma when I can't afford my 20 dollar a pound stinky cheese habit anymore. Fast forward again to my lunch hour today. I needed some toothpaste and have decided that any time I'm in a store, I'm going to check for wheat farina cereal and try to keep track of who stocks it for the least amount of money. It just so happens that Dave's Marketplace had it for 3.50 a box! They still didn't have Maple and Brown Sugar, but at least I got two boxes to last Emma for half a month for only 7 dollars! Eureka!
What's wrong with people out here? Is it possible they don't feel rage about their shopping experience because they just don't know about WinCo like I do? Am I going to have to move back to Idaho to get some food satisfaction?! Hold that thought. It looks like Market Basket has lobsters on sale for $4.99 a pound again this week. Screw you WinCo. You're dead to me. You and all the Maple and Brown Sugar Cream of Wheat on your shelves! Looks like Rhode Island is the place for me!
It has taken 18 years, but today, Jared and I finally were eligible to have the public school system babysit our remaining four children for the entire school day...
The alone time was sublime. My littles actually went back to school yesterday, but since Hannah didn't have to go to Freshmen Orientation, it took an extra day to get rid of her...
Excuse the crappy first day photo of Hannah. I thought I could trust my lover to memorialize the day, but it turns out that I couldn't.
Since I am the coolest mom alive, we celebrated Hannah's last day off by doing this:
Yep, we went to Six Flags. We could only stay for about 1.5 hours at the park, but since we have season tickets, I didn't feel jipped by the quick visit. Additionally, since we didn't have any shorties, we were able to ride any coaster we wanted, which was pretty marvelous. We came home in time to get Hannah to work and pick up the small fries from their first day at a new school. They seemed to fit in just fine which I felt relieved about, and before I knew it, it was bedtime. Right before we went to bed, Jared and I cooked up some fantastic plans for our alone time today. What did we end up doing?
We got Emma and Hannah out the door, then walked the littles to school but got there 40 minutes early on accident. Rather than wait at a lame elementary school, we walked back home and then Jared drove them back to the lame elementary school while I made eggs and waffles. My lover and I sat out on the deck all alone eating waffles and discussing how great retirement is going to be without loser babies hanging around all the time.
After breakfast, Jared and I had some naked time which was great, though I felt weird and nervous because I kept expecting some rude kid to walk in and catch me being a pervert. Thank goodness they were all at school! This childless routine is going to take some getting used to I guess. As a side note, I hope my mom and my eldest appreciate that I didn't snap any pics of my naked activities. You're welcome prudes...
Jared and I had big plans to go to a Portuguese restaurant for lunch, but got caught up finishing this front jungle project I started a few days ago:
I forgot to take a "before"pic, but you can't believe how overgrown my stupid yard has been! I gotta get rid of that tree at the corner of the house, but it's kind of large so we put it off for another day. Even though we left the tree, the 6 bushes/plants we did clear out left my lover with these battle wounds:
Plus, we busted our last shovel, had to run to Home Depot and get a new one, which busted almost immediately upon returning to the front jungle. Thankfully, I bought 2 shovels, so we finished our vegetation demolition, headed back to Home Depot, switched out the substandard digging tool they sold me, then finished the day off with a quick bite at this Italian Deli that I just love. By the time we finished our late lunch, my rats had started coming home from school. That meant I had to make them dinner and listen to their exploits and pretend to care about what they told me instead of feeling bummed that I wasted my first alone day continuing to clean up after stupid previous owner, Maria!
I was going to feel sorry for myself a little longer, but Kayley texted to let me know she finally got a job as a Pharmacy Technician. Hurray! I'm tired of her sucking on my teats! It will be nice to stop sending her money just so she can eat, play with her friends, and get her hair cut:
Yep, I'm in a pretty good place people. 12 more years and Bub turns 18 which means I can finally stop asking Jared why he didn't use a condom those five times we've had naked time together... Not counting today that is...
I've been in my new house for three months and the amount of work my domicile needs is staggering. I knew going in I had my work cut out for me, but it's the extra stuff the jackass previous owner left that infuriates me. Whenever you buy a new home, you try your best to notice everything you're gonna get stuck with, but even with a good inspection, I believe it's impossible to catch everything... especially when the previous owner is a sneaky douchebag... which mine clearly was. I mean, I knew I had a jungle in my backyard to clean up, and I knew she liked rock borders:
However, I didn't know just how many rocks Maria the douche was hiding until I started to dig the jungle out...
The problem with that huge pile is that I'm not done digging out rocks, and you actually have to pay real money to use the dump here to get rid of stuff. What in the hell am I supposed to do with all of your rocks Maria?!
I also knew there was some garbage under the deck, but had no idea how much trash was hidden under my three season porch...
This doesn't even count the five bags of golf clubs I've already hauled away! And who throws their old sinks under their porch anyway?! A douchebag named Maria, that's who!
Remember the trash I knew about under the deck? Well, my little ones have started hauling it out for me because I offered them 20 bucks a piece once it's done:
Unfortunately, there's a lot of garbage left to clear because they get scared of spiders whenever they go under the deck. I tell them to wear shoes and stop being sissies. Those spiders are more scared of them than they are of the spiders, plus, don't you want your money?! All my yelling and threats haven't worked because those sissies can't be rushed into finishing. As such, I've decided that eventually I'll make my lover haul the rest of the deck trash out for free. I'm certainly not going under there because there are spiders under the deck and I'm afraid of spiders!
I could go on and on about all the other stuff the douche left behind, or did not disclose as she legally should have, but ultimately it changes nothing. The only thing that keeps me from driving to her forwarding address and kicking her ass is a treasure trove of pictures she left in Hannah's bedroom. My favorite is this one:
He's now hanging on my fridge and I'm waiting for someone to ask me about him so that I can tell them he's my son and that he's away at school. That's right Maria. I've got creepy pictures of people that used to be important to you. Clean out your trash from under my deck and three season porch and I might give your pictures back to you. Say hello to the spiders for me...
Recently, I stumbled upon an invention that I have oogled for many years, but have never gotten around to buying for myself...
That my friends is a 64 ounce insulated soda mug. When I finally decided to plunge into such a commitment, I had the option to downsize my habit to a more reasonable 32 ounce size. However, let's get real. 32 ounces is essentially a sip of soda to me so I know I'd be spending way too much time and money refilling that sucker. Besides, I'm budget conscious and when I can refill a 64 ounce soda for the same price as a 32 ounce soda... Well, you do the math.
I found the mug on a day that was 90+ degrees and high humidity. I had been working in my yard and was so hot and thirsty, but couldn't seem to get my thirst quenched because my ice maker couldn't keep up with all of the ice we'd been using that day, and thus, had been empty for hours. Plus, the water out of my tap is not that cold in the summer, so it just seemed to compound my problem. I felt so desperate at one point, I seriously considered just sucking on my arm to make good use of all the sweat that refuses to dry out here when it's humid. However, I came to my senses and rode to my favorite watering hole to see if their ice and Diet Dr. Pepper could finally bust my thirst. When I arrived, they had run out of ice too,which for a split second, made me panic. Just as I was turning around to strangle the dude at the cash register for the lack of ice, I spied the afore mentioned mug! I bought one for Jared, one for me, then bought a bag of ice to fill them with and bingo! I was back in business.
I drained my 64 ounces of Diet DP by the time we had driven home, so I set my mug by my bed to sip on the water melting off the remaining ice... WHICH BARELY MELTED ALL NIGHT LONG BECAUSE IT'S INSULATED! When I realized how fantastic my giant mug was, I began texting and calling all my friends and family to share the good news. A few of my loved ones pretended to care. A few tried to tell me that I had a very bad habit. I of course ignored them and am now looking for more tolerant friends to replace them with. My daughter Kayley was somewhat rude about my new treasure. I think she's holding a grudge because of this:
Hannah and I may have lied for two days about how I purchased a yellow Barracuda when Kayley moved out. We told her I have lots more money now that she's not sucking my teats anymore, so decided to buy the one car she wishes she could have. I showed her the above picture to prove that it had happened, but she totally accused me of photoshopping the pic and then started copping an attitude about my mug. To punish her for her insolent behavior, I began to send lots of pics and texts about how happy I was drinking out of my mug. At one point, I took one of me drinking out of Jared's mug which I didn't know was filled with ice water:
I was so disgusted, I had to hurry and wash out the ice water in my mouth with Diet Dr. Pepper so as not to upset my delicate balance. In my haste to cleanse myself, I forgot to send my annoying pic to Kayley! I did manage to perform a scientific experiment on Kayley's behalf quite by accident the next day. The accident came about because I didn't want to haul my giant addiction into work with me since I don't want my patients to think they can go around drinking soda like an idiot! To be a good example, I decided to leave the mug in my truck in 90 degree humid weather for 3 hours while I did the afternoon clinic. When I came out, my drink was still cold and my ice had barely melted! I immediately broadcasted the miracle to Jared and the girls, but not only were Hannah and Kayley not impressed, Hannah openly mocked me! Later that night, I took my lover to see The Who in concert, but decided to leave my mug home because I didn't want anyone to steal it. While I was having my eardrums blasted out of my skull at the concert, Hannah sent threatening texts about my mug along with this:
She hijacked my mug and no amount of distant verbal abuse got her to leave it alone! I wanted to stay mad and even tried to hold a grudge, but my awesome new mug still had ice in it when I got back from the concert. Whatever Kayley and Hannah. Be rude if you want. I don't need friends because I have a giant insulated soda mug. In fact, I could really use a soda right now. Think I'll hop in my car and go get one...
Kayley, my eldest baby, left for home yesterday. As in her home. In Idaho. Because she's 18 and doesn't live with her mommy anymore. In some ways, I'm grateful it took so long to sell my house in Idaho because I've gotten used to not living with her anymore. I told Jared when we dropped her off at the airport that I wondered if that's why I didn't feel booby about seeing her go. He said it was possible, but that he thought the real reason I wasn't emotional was because we had raised her right and that she's ready to live on her own. Whatever the reason for my lack of tears, I actually do really like Kayley and have appreciated the relationship I have with her. Over the course of the last year, I began to think of her as my friend, and I miss her now that she's gone.
What did we do on our last day together? Well, Kayley had to check in for her flight first thing in the morning on Sunday. How early? Well look at this conversation I had with Jared about it:
Her early flight was a direct consequence of my endless cheapness. That early hour saved me 300 bucks, but man did it suck getting up at 4:30 to drop her off... More on that later... After I forced Kayley to wake up early to check in for her flight, I forced all of my kids to go to church yesterday, then forced them to go see a "gorge" that sits between Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It was essentially a part of the Blackstone River and was supposed to have a waterfall that used to power the mills that were once a huge part of the economy in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It certainly did not meet my vision of what I think a gorge should look like given that I come from the West. The "waterfall" also left much to be desired considering that I come from Idaho and we have a fair number of decent waterfalls around the Gem State... Just look at this example from Jared's last trip to Shoshone Falls with my girls before he left for Rhode Island. You can't see the height, but baby, that whitewater should tell you how high and fast that water was running over the falls:
Although the gorge and falls were small, like all of New England, it was lovely, and the lack of "gorgeness" and "waterfallness" meant the walking we did was non-strenuous and pleasant. Here's me being inappropriate in front of the falls:
And my girls being sweet in front of the "waterfall."
If you are wondering why I only have four girls in the picture, it's because Hannah was in one of her moods. Because it was my last day with Kayley, I think the heavens smiled upon me and blessed me with a picture of Hannah's elusive pout. It's VERY difficult to catch on film, so I was thrilled when I actually captured it in all of its glory:
I know. She's precious. I wanted to drag them to go look at the only covered bridge in Rhode Island, but Kayley had lost her wallet the day before (and my credit card though I didn't know it until later) so we needed to head home to find it so she could actually board the plane the next day. Thankfully, Kayley managed to find it at Target when we got back from the falls and I said a silent thanks to heaven for the wallet's safe return. It would have been nice to keep her in Rhode Island a few more weeks while we had a new driver's license mailed, but Kayley moving on was necessary too.
We had a nice dinner together, then I spent the evening kicking myself for being so damn cheap again, because when I set the alarm to wake up at 4:30 AM the next morning, it made me physically sick. How did I do when the alarm actually went off? Pretty great because I totally went to the airport AND physically went inside to watch Kayley go through security in my pajamas. My pajamas consist of some sweat pants and a night shirt that goes to my knees with the following astrological sign:
Just as a side note, I am not a Gemini, but my mom inherited that nightshirt from someone and I inherited it from her. To make myself extra classy, I did not tuck in the nightshirt during the airport trip and I also did not wear a bra. You are welcome. Here's what Kayley wore to the airport:
And here's a pic of her going through security... Which she hated...
I hated it for her and though she expressed some disdain about the whole thing, I warned her to behave respectfully even though I never do at airports. I reminded her that I am actually surprised I have never been arrested and so cautioned her to behave. Thankfully, she listened and managed to board her flight just fine. My idiot brother picked her up in Salt Lake City and it sounds like she's settled back into her old life without her mommy just fine.
18 years flies by fast people. I raised one whole baby and she's pretty amazing. Don't forget about me Kayley. I'm the loud and obnoxious woman that did a lot of nice things for you while you were growing up. My name is Rachel. Call me sometime?
