Passing the Torch

With my house in Idaho closing in 9 days, I've been obsessively pondering what's next on my horizon.  I've spent time worrying about finding a new house.  I've stressed about how quickly I think Jared will find a job.  And since worrying is one of my talents, I've incessantly wondered whether I will ever feel adequate in my new midwife position here in Rhode Island.  It's been a long year with some immense changes that have happened simultaneously and some days my head just spins.

Occasionally, I'll call my mom and whine, but since she is utterly unflappable, she cannot relate to how overwhelmed I sometimes feel.  Thus, the conversation usually ends with her ridiculing me for my concerns, but it does typically inspire me to suck it up for a few days.  Jared is always on my side and only stresses out when I'm stressed out (every other day) so I try not to bug him about my fears unless it's an emergency (every three days).  When Jared and my mom fail to assuage my panic, and just as I feel convinced yet again that I made a horrible mistake moving to the Ocean State, one of my friends or siblings will call to check on me and I feel invigorated to continue forward.  A bit ago, one of my friends texted me this picture:

Look at me!  I'm getting ready to slap a clamp on her kid's cord and I feel peaceful whenever I look at this pic.  There's something really marvelous about those first few moments after a birth when mom has laid eyes on her new baby for the first time.  She immediately begins to bond with this little soul and there have been many births that have brought me to tears.  I've had a few patients send me pictures of me doing my nurse midwife thing over the years and it's touching to see myself from a different perspective.  I consider myself a decent midwife and have felt called to my profession.  When I think about bailing, I can't even come up with a different option that would make me as happy as midwifery has.  When I thought about the last few births I've done for my friend Sarah, I realized it's just the new situation I'm in that feels uncomfortable, but I still know how to be a nurse midwife and eventually, I should feel just as comfortable here as I was in Idaho.

I also took on a new student this week:

Look how happy she looks.  That's because students and new midwives have boundless hope, energy, and excitement at the start of their careers.  I'm about 10 years in and I'm beginning to feel my age.  I also noticed that she's not stressing me out like my last two students did.  I'm actually excited to teach her a thing or two.  I had an epiphany that my feelings of care about this new student stem from a lighter schedule and lots of days off.  That alone should remind me that this change was a good one and time will continue to improve my situation.  I actually feel really sorry for the last two nurse midwives that had to cope with my sad, exhausted, grouchy demeanor as I shoved my torch of knowledge up their backsides instead of politely passing it on as I should have.  Here's my official apology to Marie and Carla.  Sorry gals, I did the best I could.  At least I don't think either of you are dumbasses anymore so next time we see each other, lunch is on me.

Life is change and it is sometimes tough to take.  However, my life is good and I've been incredibly blessed when you get right down to it.  Big deep breath midwife.  You're gonna be ok...