Thanks For Nothing Maria

I've been in my new house for three months and the amount of work my domicile needs is staggering.  I knew going in I had my work cut out for me, but it's the extra stuff the jackass previous owner left that infuriates me.  Whenever you buy a new home, you try your best to notice everything you're gonna get stuck with, but even with a good inspection, I believe it's impossible to catch everything...  especially when the previous owner is a sneaky douchebag...  which mine clearly was.  I mean, I knew I had a jungle in my backyard to clean up, and I knew she liked rock borders:

However, I didn't know just how many rocks Maria the douche was hiding until I started to dig the jungle out...

The problem with that huge pile is that I'm not done digging out rocks, and you actually have to pay real money to use the dump here to get rid of stuff.  What in the hell am I supposed to do with all of your rocks Maria?!

I also knew there was some garbage under the deck, but had no idea how much trash was hidden under my three season porch...

This doesn't even count the five bags of golf clubs I've already hauled away!  And who throws their old sinks under their porch anyway?!  A douchebag named Maria, that's who!

Remember the trash I knew about under the deck?  Well, my little ones have started hauling it out for me because I offered them 20 bucks a piece once it's done:

Unfortunately, there's a lot of garbage left to clear because they get scared of spiders whenever they go under the deck.  I tell them to wear shoes and stop being sissies.  Those spiders are more scared of them than they are of the spiders, plus, don't you want your money?!  All my yelling and threats haven't worked because those sissies can't be rushed into finishing.  As such, I've decided that eventually I'll make my lover haul the rest of the deck trash out for free.  I'm certainly not going under there because there are spiders under the deck and I'm afraid of spiders!

I could go on and on about all the other stuff the douche left behind, or did not disclose as she legally should have, but ultimately it changes nothing.  The only thing that keeps me from driving to her forwarding address and kicking her ass is a treasure trove of pictures she left in Hannah's bedroom.  My favorite is this one:

He's now hanging on my fridge and I'm waiting for someone to ask me about him so that I can tell them he's my son and that he's away at school.  That's right Maria.  I've got creepy pictures of people that used to be important to you.  Clean out your trash from under my deck and three season porch and I might give your pictures back to you.  Say hello to the spiders for me...