School Nurse

One of the biggest changes that Jared and I have experienced with moving to Rhode Island is the amount of increased taxes that we pay when compared to Idaho.  Extra taxes on our cars, our home, and our paychecks.  I'd like to say that I can see a benefit with all the extra money that we have been paying, but unfortunately, the government in the East seems to be even more irresponsible with my money than the government in the West was.  Perhaps the biggest annoyance with paying increased taxes, is that the schools can afford to have a school nurse in every school.  I am convinced that these women are paid just to piss me off and I much prefer Idaho's school system where they could not afford to pay anyone with any kind of medical background to stick their noses in your business.  Your kid would have to be nearly dead before anyone would notice, let alone have the guts to call you to come pick them up.  Given that my approach to childhood illness is based on the assumption that every kid is lying about every health ailment until proven otherwise, the Idaho school system suited me just fine.  My kids have been in school for exactly 7 weeks in Rhode Island, and I have already had 4 phone calls from the school nurse, three of them from Bubba's! 

My first encounter with the efficiency of the school nurse program happened during the first week of school.  I filled out paperwork on every single one of my daughters at the main district office prior to the first day of school and gave permission for the school nurses to give basic over the counter medications like Tylenol and Ibuprofen.  This was done in an effort to cut any whining off at the pass.  Unfortunately, Hannah had a headache at school so the school nurse called me to ask if she could give Hannah some Ibuprofen. 

Me:  I filled out the permission slip at the district office giving you permission

School nurse:  I don't have that slip here at the high school

Me in a condescending and impatient tone:  Well I filled one out and gave permission for you to give her anything you can

School nurse:  Well, can I give her some Tylenol

Me, after a pregnant pause:  Uh, yes.  That's why I gave permission at the district office.  Can you mark that down for the rest of the year please?

School nurse:  Sure, but I'm going to go ahead and give her some Tylenol today ok

Me, not very genuinely:  Thanks

Me to Hannah later:  Start carrying Ibuprofen so that the school nurses will stop bothering me...


I stupidly thought my troubles with the school nurses would be over, but not three days later, Bubba's school nurse called me...

School nurse:  Elizabeth fell off of the monkey bars and her wrist is hurting.  You may want to think about coming to get her to take her to the doctor

Me:  Is she moving it?

School nurse:  Actually she's moving it very well and she's even seems to have full range of motion but you know she did fall on it pretty hard.

Me:  Well I don't want to come get her if she is doing ok

School nurse:  Do you want to talk to her and see what you think?

Me, humoring the school nurse:  Ok. 

Bubba:  Hi mom.  I don't know what they did with my lunch box.  Are they still going to let me eat lunch?

Me, after telling Bubba to put the school nurse back on:  I think she's ok



Jump ahead to about 3 weeks ago:

School nurse:  Hi, Elizabeth has a fever of 99.2 and has a cough and it sounds horrible

Me:  99.2 is not a fever.  I am not taking her out of school for that

School nurse:  Well that cough sounds terrible

Me:  She's a kid and she gets a cough several times a year.  I can't take her out of school for a cough.

School nurse:  Well can I give her some Tylenol for the fever

Me, after exhaling very dramatically:  I filled out a permission slip for all the girls weeks ago

School nurse:  I don't have it.  Can I please give her some Tylenol

Me after another long sigh:  Yes please

School nurse:  I'm going to watch that fever and if it doesn't come down you are going to have to take her home.

Me, not feeling very genuine:  Ok, thanks a lot



Fast forward to today.  My Bubba actually tried to die this week and caught pneumonia.  I took her to the doctor twice, started her on antibiotics, had her out of school for a total of four days and had a Dr note to send her back today.  Unfortunately, I slept in and my lover walked her to school instead of driving her.  Therefore, her angry little lungs were stimulated and she was coughing up a storm when she got there.  Guess who called?...


School nurse:  Hi, Elizabeth has a horrible cough and I need to send her home

Me after arguing with the nurse for a while:  No.  She has a doctor's note to be back in school

School nurse:  But she's coughing and coughing and can't stop

Me:  Listen, her doctor said she shouldn't be taking anything for the cough so that her lungs can clear it, so am I supposed to give her something to stop the cough so that you won't call me and try to send her home?

School nurse:  But I feel terrible for her.  She doesn't have a fever but she sounds terrible.

Me, barely holding back my rage:  She has pneumonia.  She's going to cough.  She's on antibiotics.  I can't keep her out of school anymore.  She's been out for four days and the Dr. said she could go back today.  My husband walked her to school and shouldn't have.  The cough will calm down.  Just watch it for awhile.

School nurse:  She's been out for four days?  Ok, I'll try sending her back to class...

What happened?  Well, Bubba finished the school day, and I went to Ikea and hung out with Jared that's what.  Why?  Because I'm a mom that won't be swayed by the silly worries of a school nurse, even if my taxes help keep her in the school.  She needs to come and hang around with me at home sometime and grow a spine.  Kids lie about everything!  You as the adult have to be able to see through their shenanigans.  I'm a momma that believes you have to be actually dying before I'll let you skip the hot mess we call the public school system and I'm happy to teach my expertise to any novice that wants to learn my ways.  If anyone needs further proof that I did the right thing, just check out what Bubba did with my phone right before bed:

That's right.  I know what I'm doing people.  And by people, I really mean the school nurse...