I fantasize about retirement A LOT. Some have even accused me of obsessing about retirement. It could be that any time I have a long night on labor and delivery, I mention how close I am to leaving my cares behind and enjoying my golden years without the stresses I currently endure. One may even go so far as to say I might rub my plans in everyone's faces. Dr. Jones has told me that he will give me hell every day of my life if I don't meet my goal - just to make me feel bad for making HIM feel bad for how early I want to blow this popsicle stand. I even downloaded an app to help me keep things in perspective. Look how close retirement is for me as of today!
That's right suckers - read it and weep. I'm so close now I can almost taste it! Given that my attention to detail is impeccable, I have not only planned how I will reach my goal to the last peso, but I have also begun to plan my retirement wardrobe. I don't want these precious years sneaking up on me and leaving me unprepared from a fashion standpoint. For many moons I have told the labor nurses that when I retire I'm going to sit around in a giant floppy hat and a bikini and let my fat gut hang over the edges. I want to create the biggest spectacle possible so that anyone who sees me will pause in a moment of awe and wonder how I managed to pull it off. Unfortunately, I have realized that I might talk a big game, but there is no way I can sit around all the time in a bikini. My ample thighs rubbing together without pants in between them to prevent spontaneous combustion just won't work on a long term basis. Imagine my abdominal apron rubbing on my hips and pubic bone with only a small strip of bikini fabric to ease the chafing! It just is not feasible people! I haven't wanted to admit to the nurses that I might be in over my head here because I don't have a viable fashion replacement... At least I didn't have one until today!
Driving up to Sam's Club this morning fixed my retirement fashion woes. What do I spy, but a woman in her 60's in polyester culottes! I have no idea why I hadn't considered this option before! Are they a skirt? Are they long shorts? No one knows unless your legs are actually moving! Whoever designed the culotte had a stroke of genius. Airy, light, versatile - an absolutely perfect choice for retirement attire, especially because they practically scream "fat grandma coming!" Of course I now only have to consider what I'll wear on top. God was watching out for me today because I found this in a back issue of the People magazine:
I'm not a lesbian - but figured if I wore this around, it might spark some interesting conversation. I can only imagine the colorful individuals that might seek me out - especially if a pair of red culottes were swishing around on my bottom half. Jared told me he would wear a shirt like that if I had it printed for him, but admitted shortly after that a statement like that might actually get him killed. I'm going to have to ponder this issue a little longer in order to get it just right. However, I can't wait too long because I only have 14 years, 5 months, and 15 days before retirement! Anyone have a culotte pattern I could borrow?