Quit Hiking Already

A few weeks ago we got a new patient from another practice.  When I went to meet her, it turned out she was from Boise.  I hugged her and it was glorious to feel a connection to a fellow westerner and better yet, an Idahoan.  She gave me some sage advice that she has learned about summer humidity in New England:  "embrace the gross."  Her husband added, "shower in the morning and again in the evening."  

Now that it's the end of July here in Rhode Island, I finally understand the "gross" my patient was talking about.  I am constantly wet and/or sweaty people.  Constantly.  It is the most unreal and uncomfortable feeling I've ever experienced and when it's muggy, I just cannot get it to go away unless I am indoors with the AC running.  I've been to places with humidity before, but only for a quick visit. This long term nonsense is bizarre.  I take cold showers now because otherwise, I feel the same as out of the shower, just with more water around.  I try to hide out in grocery stores and the laundromat for the free AC.  I also don't go home when I'm on call for the same reason.

I sweat so much that I can only drink one Diet Dr Pepper a day.  I'm just so thirsty all the time that only cold water will do.  It's ridiculous.  Let me also illustrate why Diet Dr Pepper in the summer here is less satisfying:

I filled that glass to the top with ice 10 minutes prior and even with the big gulp I took, look how fast my ice is melting!  I fill my Diet DP up with ice so that I can have maximum frostiness, but the ice melts so fast, it waters down my brown elixir faster than I can drink it.  It's a major conundrum.

You know what else the humidity does?  Makes outdoor exercise miserable.  I do it anyway because I'm fat and would be fatter without it and because I'm on a budget right now and dropped my gym membership.  I've been "hiking" all over Rhode Island and Massachusetts and it's been gorgeous and miserable all at once.  I often find the scenery on the "hikes" out here to be breathtaking and there tend to be lovely little extras along the way.  Like a cemetery I found, or ponds and streams.  Today I walked to find Monument Rock in Massachusetts but was a bit disappointed:

What?!  Your major sightseeing piece is vandalized and is so small?!  Come to Idaho and I'll show you some monument rocks.  For crying out loud this is practically a pebble!

As long as I'm complaining, I'd also like to find out how a hike is classified over here because grade obviously has nothing to do with the decision; they're all level!  Most seem to be classified as moderate, but in my opinion they're nature strolls.  You want to see a moderate hike?  Come to the mountain west and I'll show you a moderate hike!  Plus, you'll sweat in the west, but there's no moisture in the air so for the most part your sweat will dry in a reasonable amount of time...  I digress...  I've wracked my brain for what bumps a hike from easy to moderate in the east.  Is it based more on how long it is?  Or how hot and sweaty you'll get?  In that case, I'd like to propose a new classification system that I hope mainstream New England can get behind:

Easy:  At the end of this "hike" your armpits and basement will be mildly sweaty but you physically will be comfortable.

Moderate:  At the end of this "hike" you will be generally sweaty with the greatest concentration accumulating in your armpits and basement.  The AC in your car will dry you appropriately.  

Strenuous:  At the end of this "hike" your armpits and basement will be dripping.  Find a secluded spot, remove your undergarments, and go commando for the rest of the day because you will not feel dry again until tomorrow.

The hike to Monument rock with my revised classification?  Strenuous.  I've been in the laundromat with my diluted beverage for an hour and I'm still so slimy I'm worried someone will notice my butt crack sweat on the bench when I get up and will ban me from coming back for life.  Maybe I better start "hiking" at the mall...