I'm Definitely Thifty, but am I Nifty?

I've been in New England for almost eight months and in all that time, I haven't set foot in a thrift store.  I thought for awhile that this could be my chance to get clean...  My one chance to attempt to be classy and NOT get excited about how cheap and wonderful other people's used crap is...  My one chance to prove to my sister Briana that I can SO be normal...  Alas, I needed a rolling pin and two pie pans and since I have all that in Idaho waiting to make the trip over, I just couldn't see spending full price so...  Bottom line, the temptation was just too tantalizing and since I had a good excuse, I found myself wandering into three separate thrift stores a couple of days ago.  Did I find what I was looking for?

You bet I did!  One rolling pin and two Pyrex pie pans for ten bucks meant an awesome bargain with only the loss of my dreams of going straight to show for it.  Since deep down I didn't really want to quit my thrift store habit - just half-heartedly wanted to impress a few people - I felt right at home as soon as I started inspecting the stacks of garbage.  It was heavenly.  I resisted the urge to buy a ceramic bust of Jesus, not because I couldn't have found a use for it, but because it's not good to be greedy.  It's important to spread your oddities out a bit so that some folks (Briana) will stay off your back a little longer.  Therefore, I purchased only what I originally came in for instead of pushing my luck.  I derived so much fulfillment the first trip, that I decided to stroll around again today - just in case I missed something fantastic my first go round AND just in case Jesus hadn't been snapped up by someone else...  I didn't buy anything today but I found this:

I found out this week just how well supported the New England Patriots or "Pats" as they are called really are out here.  I made the mistake of revealing to one of the labor nurses that I could care less about the "Pats" or any other NFL team for that matter.  Let's just say that the remainder of the exchange did not go well.  I called to tell my dad all about it and he pretty much called me an idiot for making such a dumb mistake.  Then he told me not to say anything disparaging about the Red Sox or I might lose my life.  How lucky that the thrift stores out here have ten million hats, T-shirts, and other items imprinted with both the "Pats" and the Red Sox available for purchase.  If I decide that I feel threatened in any way by these ridiculous fans out here, I guess I can go back and purchase a disguise that won't break the bank.  As a side note, I did for one second worry about head lice when I tried on the little number above, but when you shop at thrift stores, you have to leave your pride behind.  You're welcome. 

Just when I thought I had seen every treasure I possibly could, I stumbled on this atrocity:

What in the hell is going on here?!  I can guarantee I would never see such sexual pandemonium at the thrift stores in Idaho!  There's girl on girl action here, heterosexual couples, biracial couples, and a few single swingers fully dressed and waiting for action!  My goodness there's even two babies watching everyone in what I hope is horror and utter disgust!  I guess I should feel grateful that except for male homosexuals, there doesn't seem to be any discrimination on this naked wall of shame, but really people.  Isn't there some Barbie house we can hide these people in?  I bet they'd like some privacy and I certainly don't need to know what dirty escapades the other members of my community are up to!  What if I see them walking around on the street?  I'll never be able to look them in the eye!  See what you're missing Briana?  Thrift stores are definitely nifty!