Meet my BFF... TSA

Today I'm headed back to Rhode Island after a visit to Idaho.  As we speak, I'm enjoying a three hour layover in the Denver airport.  I had lunch and dinner dates nearly every day this last week with many of the people I care most about in this world.  I also got this awesome gift from my friend Kareena:

It's a tiny voodoo doll!  The best part of this gift was when I caught Hannah using it...

I thought her evil powers were pure.  Turns out she's as weak as the rest of us and CAN'T destroy people with the energy of her mind.  I stand corrected.

Aside from the constant worry over my house that just won't sell, I had a nice trip.  Nice that is, until I arrived at the IF airport to fly back to the Ocean State.  That airport pisses me off above all others.  I have a genuine distaste and distrust of TSA, but in IF, the agents are a special breed and I believe they exist entirely for my individual torture.  I used to fly out of either Boston and Providence and into Salt Lake City because of how much less expensive flights were.  Four flights ago, I told Jared the flight was so long I was going to spend the extra money and only fly out of Providence and only into Idaho Falls.  I've never had a bag searched until I started flying out of Idaho Falls.  I'm now three for three on bag searches and it's pissing me off!  What sets them off?  The first time it was some almonds in my bag.  The second time I think it was just for kicks.  Today, it was for the really dangerous large size toothpaste and Idaho Spud candy bars I was trying to bring on board.  I knew when I brought the toothpaste that it exceeded the size limit.  However, I wanted to conduct an experiment to see if the IF TSA indeed only hires assclowns, since I have long suspected this to be the case.  As I predicted, they didn't disappoint.  They confiscated my toothpaste tube and told me there were rules I could have looked up.  I told them that my tube had made it through security in Rhode Island.  "Oh really?" they said with incredulity.  I assured them that's why I hated them so badly...  There's no consistency in a screening process that I don't think works anyway.  The lady assigned to piss me off today, finished rifling through my really dangerous candy and dirty underpants, then told me not to be rude.  I snidely informed her I could behave as I chose.  She then told me to go be rude upstairs.  I complied because I wanted to get upstairs anyway since that's where my flight was...  Despite making all my comments in a very calm and passive aggressive way, they called a cop to come and talk to me.  I politely informed the officer I had no intention of talking to him and he could either arrest me or leave me alone.  Lucky for me, he just stared at me and let me walk away.  Passive aggressive traveler one...  but TSA is still the ultimate winner since they got to fondle my dirty underpants.

Am I eventually going to get arrested?  Probably.  Am I going to stop my brazen and saucy behavior?  No!  Try to justify TSA to me all you like, but until the screening process is the same in every airport, I will continue to believe the precautions they are taking probably don't make much difference.  Until people sneaking fake weapons in to test TSA are no longer successful, I will continue to believe that my 5 ounce tube of toothpaste couldn't possibly be dangerous at all.  And until some other airport rifles through my candy and filthy underpants, I will continue to believe that the Idaho Falls Airport is staffed entirely by assclowns...  Can this rant increase my score to two?...  Please?