Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas morning.  It's a beautiful sunny day in Rhode Island and I am trying to feel blessed because of the season but since I am alone, I find it difficult to keep my focus positive.  Throughout my life, I have only missed two Christmases with my family.  The first was during my first year in college when the University of Utah went to the Freedom Bowl and the marching band had to leave early Christmas Day to make the trip to support the football team.  I spent that Christmas with my friend Lynda's family.  It was pleasant of course, but not the same.  This year, I'm spending Christmas with Renee - the frat house owner.  We had a delicious Christmas Eve dinner with her very loud family.  I enjoyed listening to them cackle and tell stories in their Boston accents and I ate lots of yummy food I don't normally consume this time of year.  Look at us:

I have met such wonderful people since arriving here in the East and am amazed at how friendly and kind complete strangers have been to me.  I am trying to remember that despite my loneliness, I have had an incredible nine months here and have accomplished lots of things many people would never have been able to do had they been in my shoes.  It helps a little...  but I find I am still lonely.  I've actually held it together pretty well this holiday season with my first Christmas tears occurring this morning when I awoke.  Jared had awakened early this morning and found that Santa had arrived in Idaho.  He sent me this sweet pic:

That's a Christmas tree that my kind brother let us borrow since mine is lost in a storage shed somewhere.  My entire front room is empty except for the tiny little tree and the presents dear Santa left behind.  Part of the magic of Christmas for me is listening to my children whisper about what might be downstairs, setting alarms to try and catch Santa at his work, and of course, their squeals of delight when they finally see their gifts.  This year, the frat house was nearly silent and the tender beauties of my usual Christmas season were 2500 miles away.  Yup.  I'm still sad.

This year was a miracle because Jared woke the girls up for presents instead of the other way around.  I was a bit worried about their mental health until the little ones admitted they had checked at 4 AM and discovered Santa had arrived.  Thank goodness some things never change.  This year, I got to experience something I have never tried before:

Christmas by FaceTime.  I've had lots of new experiences this year and most have been wonderful, but I have to admit that I prefer Christmas in person.  Jared has reminded me a lot this year that at least we have the technology to talk to each other face to face instead of waiting weeks and months for a letter to arrive from the ones we love.  He's right, but sorry, I'm still sad and lonely.  The girls had a nice Christmas.  I even had a few surprise presents that made the morning special.  Jared and I read the first Christmas story with the girls and I was moved to tears as I listened to the beginning of the life of a man who spent his entire existence serving others.  I know he suffered all for me and knows how I feel, but it still isn't helping.  I'm still lonely and sad.  However, it was nice to remember once again why we celebrate the day in the first place. 

I'm going to head out for a walk soon and will probably find a beach to comb since there is something wonderfully peaceful about that activity for me.  Renee has also invited me back to her mom's for more food and company.  I couldn't stand to do breakfast and the jury is still out about whether I feel emotionally stable enough to head over later, but it's nice to have an offer on the table.  My Christmas wish for 2016 is that everyone else that might be lonely and sad this year may somehow find peace and comfort in 2017... that, and I sure as heck hope that 2017 finds me together with Jared and his babies again.  Merry Christmas everyone.