What a Week

At last, it has happened:

Yep.  There I am in the foyer of my new home in East Providence.  I love the staircase and also the tin ceilings which are on a goodly portion of my ceilings in the new place.  I am trying not to feel overwhelmed as there is lots to do, but since I know how to do what needs to be done, life should be busy but productive.  I'm a little frustrated with the seller since she filled my recycling bin with regular trash, didn't disclose that the dishwasher was really a shit show, and put her furniture over the repairs that needed to be done on the wood floors during the showing of the house.  However, she left me three porno movies, a golf club shoe horn, and pubes and toenails in my downstairs shower drain, so I have decided she's a really classy lady and that I probably might try to be her BFF someday...  In your dreams Maria.  Don't let the door hit you on the butt on your way out...

Want to know what I was doing 2 days ago?

Unpacking.  That's what.  That pic is of the trunk of my car.  It has looked like that for one year.  Let's reiterate again that I underestimated how long this adventure to Rhode Island would take to complete.  However, I had forgotten that I had purchased a new waffle maker and had it stashed at the back of the trunk.  Do you know how excited I am to have waffles tomorrow?...  Damn.  That's how...

Know what I was doing one week ago? 

FaceTimeing my lover for his anniversary.  We normally try to go to dinner and a movie for our anniversary, followed by some naked time.  No naked time or dinner this year, but Jared took himself out to see Guardians of the Galaxy Two without me.  I know.  Classy guy.  I might compare him to Maria my seller, but he's never given me a porno, let alone three, so Maria remains my BFF...  Sorry dude....

Know what I did 8 days ago?  I rode a bus to NYC to meet up with some friends from Rexburg, including one of my students that took my old job, Marie.  Here I am bringing her some cookies:

And here we all are at the Museum of Natural History by a dino head:

Those Idaho gals wanted to go to the Museum because they thought it would look like the movie "Night at the Museum."  In case you were wondering, it didn't.  At all...  But it did have a Teddy Roosevelt statue that I spent some time molesting...

The museum was a bit of a bust, but it was nice to see some familiar faces from the west and walk around Central Park for the first time.  The highlight of the visit for me was on the bus ride home when Marie texted to let me know she had given away the rest of my cookies to a homeless lady.  Hope she enjoyed them.  I am a rather good cookie baker. 

Now that you've seen my week in reverse, here it is in real time:

That's right.  That's me sitting on my new bed in my nearly empty house, waiting for the rest of my family to arrive.  It's been a long year and I am really looking forward to having some chaos back in my life.  I also can't wait to have kids to yell at again and a husband to have naked time with, provided he stops going to see movies without me.  Goodnight everyone.  Let's hope the upcoming week is as happy as my last has been... 

Writer's Block

For the last couple of days, I've been feeling really desperate for ideas since I've been unable to come up with a blog post for about 2 weeks.  It just so happens that I have a really ridiculous cadre of friends and am related to an even more ridiculous branch of the human race.  As such, I began trolling my friends and family yesterday for blog ideas in the hope that some new inspiration would come my way.  I almost posted the inappropriate conversation I had with my eldest daughter about ejaculation, but for once, decided to give my mom a break and won't discuss it here.  If you are interested, please text me and I will be happy to forward the thread just like I did for my friends Kareena and Sarah.  In case you're wondering mom.  I was hilarious...  As usual...

Even though I didn't post Kayley's conversation about ejaculation, she did mention that she recently let a hugely disgusting fart in band that another kid got blamed for.  The kid that took the hit has Scoliosis and is quite awkward but is also kind, so it made me feel horrible that Kayley didn't step up to the plate and claim her offensiveness.  She had a lame excuse for being such a tool, but as she discussed her foul stench, I suddenly remembered that one of my favorite fart stories involves my dad.  Upon this realization, I felt like an idiot for not outing him openly on my blog before now!

Out west, there's a farm supply chain called Cal Ranch.  My kids love to visit there especially during chick season since the live birds they sell are so darn cute.  You know what I mean?  Soft, small little peepers that eventually grow up to become pooping, stinking creatures that also make delicious eggs?  AKA chickens?  Anyway, one day, my dad and mom were wandering around in Cal Ranch and my dad decided to pull one of his usual fart bombs on my mom.  As some background information, my mom can't smell very well so dad likes to fart, leave the aisle, and wait for someone to stumble on my mom in the cloud that she can't smell but they now can.  I'm sure to the untrained observer, she looks like she's totally trying to pretend she didn't fart when in reality, she just can't smell it so she can't implicate the butthole it came out of, nor does she know to vacate the area for her own health and dignity...  Anyhoo, dad prepares to drop this huge fart bomb but pooped his pants instead, so while my mom finished her shopping, dad ran to the bathroom to take off his soiled underpants.  After a secret cleaning process which has never been revealed in various accounts of the tale, he wrapped his poopy drawers up in a paper towel and stashed them under his arm.  He then came out of the bathroom and wanted my mom to leave immediately to help him hide his shame.

My mother might not smell so good, but she's a whiz at making people really uncomfortable if the situation calls for it, so she pretended that she wasn't done shopping and made him wander around with his poop treasure under his arm.  It didn't take very long for one of the Cal Ranch employees to notice that my dad was acting strange and that he also had a package under his arm, so he started tailing my dad and mom through the store.  Dad started getting more anxious and pressed my mom to leave, while mom got more and more calm and determined to make dad pay for his accident.  Dad finally decided to leave without my mom with the observant employee hot on his tail.  Luckily for dad, the employee didn't follow him outside, so my dad's unfortunate shart remained a family secret...  Well, up until today...  Also luckily for dad, my Mom finally could see that the joke had played out and that she had won the day, so she finally left Cal Ranch and headed home with Mr. poopy pants. 

I absolutely love that story.  In fact, the only thing that would have made it better is if the employee had demanded to see what was under my dad's arm.  Can you imagine?  Oh what an even more delicious story that would have been.  Best part of all?  This is only ONE of my favorite fart/poop stories.  My whole family has a huge problem with pooping our pants.  I'm convinced it's genetic.  When I asked some of my siblings for fart stories, Patty reminded me of a "Code Brown" she had in a store while looking at Halloween decorations.  My brother Sam is probably still pooping his pants daily.  My brother Jameson recently had to skip a sporting event he had tickets to because he pooped HIS pants.  I've already blogged about one of my "incidents" and I admit without shame that it is not, nor ever will be, an isolated event for me.  Seriously people, this is a fantastic genetic problem to have!  My only regret?  Not remembering how important my roots were two weeks ago.  There's no reason why my writer's block had to last so long!       

Tar Heel State

This last week I was lucky enough to have 7 days off in a row.  Since airfare to Idaho is ridiculously expensive right now and the family will be moving to Rhode Island in about a month, I decided to save the cash for moving and take a less expensive road trip to see my friend Maren in North Carolina.  One of the best things about the trip was a rest stop bathroom in Pennsylvania:

I know.  There are no words.  It was fantastic.  Although I contemplated that the above video could potentially be the highlight of my trip, I decided to give NC a chance to impress me and finished my drive to Maren and Kevin:

They have been dating for about a year and pretty quickly after I landed, Maren announced they were engaged.  I have hung around these two before and wasn't surprised when Maren announced their upcoming nuptials.  I was quite happy about the announcement given how much time they spend kissing and spanking each other.  Truth be told, they are romantically disgusting pretty much constantly.  Since celibacy is pretty awful, it will be good for them to finally put their sexual energy to good use, wear themselves out, and become normal and productive members of society again.  Here's the happy couple in one of their many smooch fests:

Besides watching the North Carolina lovebirds, I also tried North Carolina boiled peanuts:

They are everywhere down there.  At the gas stations as depicted in the above pic, at sporting events, at all the farmer's markets...  It's like pizza strips in Rhode Island but instead of a delicious pizza strip, you get boiled peanuts.  I first ate them about a year ago when my sister cooked some up.  I thought they were grody then but figured it was my sister's failing.  I was wrong.  It's a failing of the peanut.  Sorry southerners, peanuts just weren't meant to be eaten this way.  Boiling them makes them hot, soggy, and ensures they will taste like the shell you cooked them in.  I don't know if you have heard of roasted and salted peanuts or honey roasted peanuts,  but they are much better than the horrible idea y'all had to boil them.  Heck, if you want a soft peanut, try my favorite preparation:  peanut butter!  Leave this peanut nonsense to the experts and use boiling water for something tasty... like mashed potatoes...

North Carolina had something else that was everywhere...

Yep, waterfalls.  And did you like that I tapped that lady in purple on the head?  She didn't seem to care but I had a great time bugging her.  I saw about 7 really great falls and could have seen about 20 more in the small area I was in if I wanted to hike any more than I already had.  Which I didn't...  which is why I only saw 7...  I also got to see a really cool cavern that was wet as could be.  So wet in fact, I didn't dare take out my camera for fear of water damage from all the moisture dripping off the cave ceiling. 

I also roasted weenies and s'mores around Maren and Kevin's firepit, but forgot to take pictures.  It's probably because I've sat around a million fires in my day and forgot how unusual that probably is for most people.  We made Caramelo S'mores out of some candy bars I had in the back of my car and man were they delicious!

I also went to a Baptist church the Sunday I was there.  Maren said sometimes they had a banjo player that sang hymns.  He didn't end up showing which I thought was false advertising on Maren's part, but the rest of the meeting was quite interesting.  I wanted to take pictures since I enjoyed myself immensely, but felt like I should probably be respectful on the Sabbath Day.  The preacher yelled a lot, flung spittle at least a mile, and played the piano to accompany all the prayers that were said.  There was also some random dude in the congregation that played the tambourine along with the 10 million hymns that were sung.  It was pure perfection.  I don't have any desire to convert, but I quite like Baptists and would invite them anywhere, especially if I could count on a banjo or tambourine coming with them!

I had a few other adventures but have no more pictures to prove myself with.  However, I can say that I like you North Carolina.  You're no Ocean State, but I've visited twice and would definitely come back...  Even if I do have to wade through stupid boiled peanuts to talk to you... 

April Fools

One year ago today, I kissed and hugged my sexy lover in the early morning darkness on my driveway in Idaho and set off alone for greener pastures in Rhode Island.  The day before, I took this selfie as I left my old job for the last time:

I had no idea as I walked out that door for the last time what an incredibly difficult and yet truly wonderful year lay before me.  I couldn't have dreamed just how many interesting people, things, and foods I would experience this year.  I also certainly didn't understand just how strong and resilient I really am, nor just how strong my children could be for that matter.  It took stepping out into the wide world and taking one day at a time to realize just how brave and awesome my kids, Jared, and I really can be when the chips are down.  Although there were many days that I wanted to give up and run home, endless kind words from friends and family helped me through my darkest moments and before I knew it, 365 days had passed.  I'm now on the other end and not only am I still alive, I'm thriving, and can admit that I love Rhode Island and am glad that I moved.  Besides my own efforts to mark this big day, I've had a few people independently comment on my anniversary as well.  Jared remembers kissing me and then watching my frost covered back car window recede into the darkness as he stood on the driveway to see me off.  I guess I could ask him how it made him feel to see me go, but he has only two emotions:

1.  Awake
2.  Asleep

Therefore, his ruminations are usually pretty worthless if you want some sort of meaningful discussion about anything relating to the deep musings of your soul.

My friend Alyssa also was thinking of my accomplishment.  She sent me this snap of her Facebook memories: 

I'd also like to include part of the goodbye card she gave me a year ago:

Yep.  Amazing isn't it?  And she's actually one of the classier people I know.

So what did I do besides wax poetic to commemorate my exodus to the East?  Well, I had a bunch of mundane responsibilities to attend to, but I did manage to explore three antique shops while drinking over 100 ounces of Diet Dr. Pepper.  It was glorious.  I even accidentally stumbled into this Christian thrift store that was blasting Christian rock over the loud speakers.

It made my day but Yelp was wrong.  It most certainly was NOT an antique or vintage store.  Oh well, if I've learned anything this year it's that you can't win them all!

For those of you that are surprised by my activities today, I know full well that April Fools Day is a holiday on which I should be thinking of ways to torture and humiliate others.  However, I torture and humiliate people almost every other day of my life, so instead, this day will probably forever be one of contemplation and reflection for me.  I can't help it.  What a year it's been! 

Spring has Sprung

March 20th was the first day of Spring.  It also happened to be the first day for this:

That's right folks.  The Ice Cream Barn in Swansea, Mass opened on the first day of spring.  I ate a whole lot of ice cream last summer trying to find Reed Dairy's equal.  Although the Barn's waffle cones aren't as good as Reed's, their ice cream sure is and therefore, my life will continue without Reed's Dairy.  Rhode Island folks, and to some degree, Massholes, LOVE their ice cream.  In the summertime, ice cream shacks are almost as plentiful as the clam shacks.  By December, almost all of them are closed, which I used to think was crazy given that Reed's is open (and busy) year round.  I didn't really appreciate that only being able to get quality ice cream in the summer has its charms until I realized just how darn excited I was for March 20th to roll around.  It's like something magical happens with the opening of the first ice cream stand.  It's a rebirth if you will.  It heralds the return of warm weather, beaches filled with human life, and ice cream and seafood as far as the eye can see.  It intensifies the excitement of the upcoming summer season and I find that I feel almost giddy with anticipation.  The remaining frat house members were just as excited as I was and as such, we decided several weeks ago that we would go to the Barn on opening night.  I of course Snapchatted endlessly about the entire process.  Here's the beginning of our trip...

And what was it like when we arrived?  This!

We waited an hour to get our ice cream and the line wound around the building and filled the place to capacity for the entire time we were there.  It literally was an endless march of people just like me...  connoisseurs that had waited months for a little slice of dairy heaven.  Was it worth it?  Well of course it was.  I decided to go with Heath Peanut Butter Cup after shamelessly trying a sample of everything I could get my mouth around so that I would be prepared in advance for my inevitable return trip.  As I shoveled in my free samples, I got to stand in line next to a lady from Swansea who works at the local Walmart and had stocked up on several pints prior to the Barn's closing in December so she wouldn't be left without her ice cream during the long winter.  She was hilarious and I wanted to Snapchat her too, but she politely declined.  She did tell me in her lovely Boston accent about the Gah-den show they were having in Boston this upcoming weekend and that I should go so that I could find everything I needed for my Yah-d and Gah-den while also pointing out how much she loves the caw-fee flavored ice cream...  Man do I love New Englanders and their awesome accents.  Know what else New Englanders like, especially Rhode Islanders?  Sprinkles.  Except Rhodies call them Jimmies.  I'm serious.  Jimmies.  They even roll their ice cream cones in them.  Here's Kelsey's ice cream rolled in chocolate Jimmies:

It's bizarre.  Jimmies in the western land I hail from are used mostly on cookies or cupcakes though can also be used on ice cream sundaes in moderation.  I have yet to see a Rhodie use a Jimmie as a condiment.  It's more like the ice cream is the condiment to their chocolate or rainbow Jimmies.  It's hilarious and it's one more quirky thing that I just love about the folks out here.  Since I was greedy and overzealous, I ordered a large waffle cone which consisted of about 5 scoops of ice cream.  It was ridiculous.  Renee and Kelsey ordered large cones too because they didn't know I was being an idiot.  I finished my cone without fanfare or delay because I am an expert at cone demolition.  Renee made herself sick finishing hers, and Kelsey had to throw out most of her cone.  Lightweights.  Not everyone is cut out for competitive ice cream consumption I guess.  It's been two days since I finished my cone and I'm already trying to decide when I should meander back to the Ice Cream Barn.  I'm not terribly worried about it because even if I don't manage to swallow a second cone in the next couple of weeks, another huge milestone is coming up on April first.  That's the one year anniversary of when I left for the east, but it also is the first day that Del's Lemonade opens throughout Rhode Island.  I'm going to shoot for a frozen lemonade on opening day but I'm on call and might not get around to it until April 2nd.  The only other thing I need to complete my trifecta of summer joy is the opening of the New England clam shacks...  Man, summer can't get here fast enough!

Meet me at Sabin Point Park...

At last it has happened.  My home in Idaho has sold and I have managed to find another one to purchase here in Rhode Island - in East Providence to be exact.  Funny thing is, the house is about one mile away from my very first apartment in Rhode Island and I'm actually happy to head back to my original stomping grounds.  The house itself is in need of a lot of work which of course suits me just fine.  The beauty thing is that Jared and I should be able to turn it into a right lovely house and since we will finally be together, life will be grand once again.  This home wasn't my first choice, but I think I can be happy there and am ready to move on.  Earlier this week, my mom sent me a pic of Bubba:

She's sleeping on top of Lily because no one got her bed made.  What's really going on is that she's lonely for her momma and has been in need of extra snuggles and love for an entire year.  It makes me sad that all my babies have suffered with so much stress this last year and I'm glad this house sale should put that all to rest.

I have looked at 10 million houses here in Rhode Island and have felt so sad because I LOVED my home in Idaho.  I loved it from the moment I laid eyes on it, and in some ways, still feel weird that it no longer belongs to me.  I've felt so discouraged that I might never find a place I can at least be satisfied with, let alone love.  Today, as if he could read my thoughts, my brother Jameson drove by my Idaho house for old times sake and noticed something interesting in the front yard:

It's a Catholic saint!  I absolutely thought that was awesome and in some ways, it has helped me to let go.  It really doesn't belong to me anymore, and I hope the new owners derive as much happiness there as my family and I did.  Maybe that little saint will protect them from my friend Alyssa.  She's only a few blocks away and they have no idea what they are up against if that lunatic comes knocking on their door.

This evening, after I got done volunteering at the Free Clinic, and after I had giggled about the Catholic Saint for the 10th time, I came home to find the documents I needed to sign for my new home all ready to go.  I put my Herbie Hancock on everything and realized I'm about one month away from closure on a space of my own.  It will feel good to start planting, painting, sanding, and settling into my new domain.  Here's the envelope that my Earnest money is in...

I guess it's official.  My life in Rhode Island is going to finally be permanent and it only took me a year to make it so.  In fact, my one year anniversary hits on April 1st... Which also happens to be the first day that Del's Lemonade opens around Rhode Island...  Hey!  Meet me at Sabin Point Park everyone!  We'll get us some Del's, swing on the swings, look at the ocean, and then go hang out at my new place and laugh about what a baby I've been for the last year!

My How the Years Do Fly...

Dear Kayley,

18 years ago today, this weirdo came into my life:

I don't mean the fascinating woman on the left, I mean you - the woman on the right.  I remember the day I grunted you out almost like it was yesterday.  I cannot believe that 18 years have passed and that I have somehow managed to turn you from a fetus:

Into this:

You are a lovely, talented, good natured, and all around delightful young woman.  I have appreciated all the help you have given me through the years - especially this last year since you and Hannah have pretty much had to be the mommies in my home.  I have actually been pondering your life a lot these last few months, since you aren't moving to Rhode Island with us.  You get to start college in the fall and will have your own grown up life which doesn't include living with your mommy anymore.  I'm sad that we won't get to hang around together like we used to, but I'm excited to see what you will make of the rest of your life.

Given that you are now technically my equal, I probably need to stop bossing you around like I normally do and treat you with some adult respect.  Therefore, as my final bossing act, here are a few unsolicited parting words of advice that might help you on your continued journey into womanhood.

1.  Love yourself.  You are worth every penny I paid to get you to this point and if you don't love yourself, you can't expect it from anyone else.

2.  Get as much education as you can.  You're a woman and you need it.  You never know what situations might arise in your life and the more education you have means you're going to be more likely to be able to support yourself should the need arise.

3.  Don't be afraid to stand alone.  Whether it's a moral decision, a new adventure, or just a trip to the mall, be comfortable in your ability to make decisions independent of everyone else if necessary.

4.  Try every new food you can get your hands on.  Life's too short to eat at McDonald's my friend, enough said.

5.  Laugh as much as you possibly can and surround yourself with people that make you happy.

6.  Avoid people that want you to be something you are not.  Anyone who suggests they would like you better if you only looked, thought, or acted the way they wanted you to are not true friends.  Run away from that type of lunatic as fast as you can!

7.  Marry your best friend.  I'm sorry that I already took the sexiest man out there, but hopefully you can find a strong second and have as much happiness as dad and I have had together through the years.

8.  Face your fears and don't be afraid to try new things.  It's an awesome world out there so go out and experience it! 

Kayley, I have lots more advice to give, especially on topics relating to vaginal health, farting etiquette, and pregnancy.  However, I can't tell you everything I know because I want you to have a reason to call me in the future.  I love you honey.  Happy Birthday. 

Love,
Momma