2 Legit 2 Quit

I have been a Certified Nurse Midwife for 9 years now and have been aware through the years that I am not a very legitimate one.  I keep meaning to work on my flaws because I secretly want to be as awesome as some of the other midwives I have known in my life.  The problem is, I have so many other things vying for my attention, that I just haven't been able to focus on changing my uncool vibes.  Since landing in Rhode Island, I have been working so much less, that I am painfully aware of what a lame midwife I really am.  This week alone I have been reminded of three traits that I need to hone in order to boost my midwife street cred.

The first is knitting.  Go to any gathering where there might be a congregation of midwives and you will see hundreds of ladies click clacking away on some project.  I absolutely am not kidding and I do mean ANY gathering of midwives where their hands might have 2 seconds to be idle.  Two of my past partners knitted and two crocheted.  I used to crochet but I gave it up years ago after a failed attempt to create a blanket and a rather interesting pillow in the shape of a bear.  I know that I need to get serious about either learning to knit or taking up crocheting again, but I'm just too lazy to get started.  I haven't polled all 6 of my new partners, but at least 2 are knitters and odds are good that at least half to three quarters of them knit.  I refuse to actively investigate the actual knitting number because I already feel horrible enough about myself.

Second deficit?  This:

I had heard whisperings in Idaho recently about Kombucha, but I had never actually seen it, and wasn't completely sure some of my more crunchy patients that mentioned it weren't brewing it at home in some weird commune situation.  Apparently it is not only real, but comes in various flavors.  I tried it for the first time a few days ago when one of my partners brought in a ginger flavored one.  I won't say it was absolutely offensive, but it did arouse some feelings inside of me that I don't know how to deal with just yet.  It vaguely reminded me of the "root beer" my maternal grandfather, Bernie used to brew.  His stuff was potent and depending on the siutation, it sometimes exploded in his basement as it fermented.  I personally think that stuff tasted nothing like root beer and I would often avoid the elixir if I saw it at family parties.  To me, it tasted like a glass of liquid yeast that someone colored brown to trick you into thinking that it was something yummy, which of course, it wasn't.  My grandpa's home brew will live in infamy in my family because of a particular family reunion we attended.  After the festivities, us kids got paid a dime for every cap we picked up at the campsite.  My dopey sister, Briana, saw her chance to get rich and promptly hid behind a garbage can and drank all that was left in order to collect the caps.  The result?  A bad tummyache.  Someone asked her why she didn't just pop the caps, pour the vile liquid on the ground, save the caps, and collect her loot.  She had no explanation for her crazy behavior.  What a tool!

Needless to say, the pic above was sent to all the midwives tonight and everyone got really excited but me.  I think it tastes like spicy B-U-T-T myself.  I censored what I really said for my mommy just now because I'm tired of her judging me and thought maybe she could give it a rest for once!  Her next thought when reading this?  How do I know what spicy B-U-T-T tastes like?  Newsflash:  there are some things you can just assume taste like something else.  Example?  Sen Sen mints.  My friend gave me one once and then asked if I thought it tasted like licorice.  Umm, NO!  They taste like sucking on a hippy - a legit hippy, like maybe Janis Joplin.  I have never sucked, licked, or smoked a hippie, but trust me, that's what Sen Sens taste like!  Final rant about Kombucha?  Jury is out, but I think I might be able to develop a taste for the stuff.

Final behavior?  Yoga.  That's right, Yoga.  I have a deep religious belief that any professional, especially midwives, should be engaging in Yoga of some type in order to be truly genuine.  Again, at least 2 of my partners do Yoga.  Odds again are good that at least half to three quarters enjoy that type of exercise.  The Rhode Island library system happens to have several instructional videos that you can download for free.  I watched a huge snorefest about composting that just didn't hold my attention so I figured now was as good a time as any to try out a Yoga video:

I propped my phone up and did some Yoga... for five minutes.  Between my knees cracking and my nether regions barely holding in my urine due to the effects of some of the moves on my bladder, I decided to be safe, quit the Yoga, and continue being my unlegitimate self.  I'm like 1/2 for three on the legitimate scale this week.  I'm pathetic.  Guess I'll crack open another diet soda and start thinking about a career change...