Roller Derby Anyone?

Earlier this week, I heard something about roller derby on the radio and decided to find out if Rhode Island has any teams.  In fact, they have a whole league!  I've never been to a roller derby match but have always wanted to watch one.  I bought tickets and convinced my frat house owner, Renee, as well as her daughter, to join me.  It ended up being a championship bout with 4 teams playing for the title.  I naturally felt lucky because I figured I'd get more for my buck than on a normal derby night when only one match would be played.

They held the championship near West Warwick High School in a basketball type arena.  Renee and I were surprised to find that the track was just pasted on the floor with colored duct tape.  After we got comfortable, I spent the next 20 minutes wondering just how long it took some sucker to construct such an elaborate track.  I had to admit I was quite impressed.  I can barely wrap duct tape around something in a straight line if I'm fixing it - let alone try to make huge ovals on a gym floor with various markings on it to boot..

After I got over my duct tape awe, I turned my attention to the chicks roller skating around the track.  Know what one of the best things about Roller Derby is?  The names!  You had broads named "Smashley Olsen" and "Shreddy Roosevelt."  How about, "SmackGyver" and "Elbowya?"  I could go on and on.  Just awesome.  As I sat admiring all the names on all the different teams, I noticed a particularly ridiculous name:  "Nutritional Beast."  Excuse me?  Of all the threatening or hilarious names you could have chosen, you went with "Nutritional Beast?"  I wonder if her own teammates beat the crap outta her for that gem.  I'd like to say that she won back some of my respect when it was her turn to be the Jammer, but unfortunately, she wasn't anything close to a beast -  nutritional or otherwise.  Here the Old Money Honeys are getting ready to go up against the Boston Commons:

Boston came over from... well, Boston, but still, I'm sure the Providence Roller Derby League was happy to have some extra meat for the championship.  Boston actually lost to the Old Money Honeys in the first match.  I don't know if I should be happy or not about that since I'm so new to roller derby, but I guess since I'm a Rhody now, I probably should be glad anytime anyone from my state beats someone from Massachusetts.  Have I mentioned that many Rhode Islanders call them "Massholes," because they are such crappy drivers?...  I digress...

How was it?  It was ok.  I looked up the rules online and then asked the dude next to me what was going on anytime I got confused.  He was more than happy to help and mentioned that it took him four years to figure it all out.  Four years?  How much roller derby do you watch dude?  Are you here for "Nutritional Beast" because for some reason that seems to fit.  I wish I could say that it was so enthralling that I stayed for all 3 matches.  However, my frat house mates and I bailed after the Honeys won and finished the night out at Chilis.  We let Renee's daughter choose the spot and for some reason, eating at Chilis after roller derby seemed right too.  And in case you were wondering, I did not see "Nutritional Beast" there. 

Will I go again?  Probably.  Especially if it's a night where only one match is being skated.  Do I love roller derby now?  Will I eat, sleep, and dream about it?  No.  But it was a fairly inexpensive way to kill a few hours.  Despite the fact that it was less exciting than I thought it would be, I have to admit that watching those skating babes smack their ovaries on the floor whenever they took a tumble was almost as fantastic as their awesome names.  Well, everyone that is except "Nutritional Beast"...