It's the Bathroom Police!

News Flash:  Everyone poops!  There's a really creepy Japanese children's book all about it that I am too cheap to buy, but like to read whenever I can find a copy.  Strangely enough, its titled:  Everybody poops!  Something happened at my place of business recently because someone forgot this important fact.  They actually sent out an email company wide chastising us for our pooping habits.  They couldn't say "poop" for some strange reason so the code word became, "unsavory outcome."  Apparently, a patient had complained about the bathrooms stinking.  Therefore, all of us were called on the carpet and instructed to use only certain bathrooms designated for dropping a nuclear load.  I obviously was confused given a second fact that I am very acquainted with:  POOP STINKS!  I guess my main beef is that if you are a patient, customer, etc. and you walk into a bathroom and catch a whiff of a Stanley Steamer that has been deployed recently, do you honestly wonder why someone is pooping in there?  Would your natural instinct be to run to the customer service department, demanding to speak to the manager in charge, and bawling him out for the smell of human excrement hanging around the only room designed to handle said waste?!  I honestly believe that most intelligent human beings would either spray some air freshener, and/or try to find someone to humiliate for the lingering stench, and would let it go.

A few months after that unbelievable email, I noticed this in one of the back hallways:

Seriously?!  What good is a bathroom if you can't use it for its intended purpose?!  I tried fussing about it to admin but they mentioned a specific group of folks this sign was intended to dissuade.  Let me get this straight.  Your crap doesn't stink as bad as someone else's crap so you can discriminate against the stink and make them use different facilities?  Then when they use those facilities, everyone will know they are about to drop a duece and can ridicule them more easily?  I've heard about segregation, but pooping discrimination?  This is completely new to me!

The real problem is how self conscious everyone has become about their bodily functions at work.  I can't keep track of which bathroom to use and I'm getting a complex.  I caught one of my coworkers coming out of the labeled bathroom and wanted to take a pic and she freaked!  She didn't want anyone to know she'd been in there!  Obviously, I'm not the only one feeling weird about it and it's got to stop!  Even though I secretly worry that the toilets are rigged with sirens should anyone attempt splash down, I still find number 2 knocking sometimes.  I have a favorite toilet that has never let me down and when I spray Lysol in a 2 minute burst while the toilet flushes, I feel like a poop spy that no one will catch.  This exact scenario played out at 2 pm today until I realized that my pooping habits were the least of my employer's concerns.  Notice anything different?

No?  Well suckers, I'm commando!  That's right!  I was up nearly all night trying to deliver a baby that wanted to come into this world forehead first.  I took a shower before clinic and was sure I had extra undies in my bag.  Unfortunately, I had a beekeeping magazine, my wallet, clean clothes, and a mug I picked up for my sister.  No skivvies!  I stood naked in the shower for five minutes debating which was worse:  recycling my drawers or commando.  I hate going commando for 2 main reasons.  First, I'm worried if I bend over and my pants rip, everyone will see my brown eye and know my shame.  Second, I'm worried about people seeing my pubes through my scrub pants.  If you are part of the 99 percent of folks shaving their biz-iz-nay these days, yes, I have pubes!  I'm 40, I'm a midwife, and I'm a hippy so I have NO reason to bare it!  Unfortunately, I have this stereotype that commando idiots are rednecks with 2 teeth in their head who if they are wearing anything besides their cutoff jean shorts, it would be a greasy wife beater.  Therefore, you can see why my lack of preparation felt so awful!  However, recycling is something my 9 year old would do every day if she could, so I set the example and went commando instead.  The way I figure it, a poop bomb is nothing compared to having so little between yourself and the paying customer.  If only admin would realize how close to disaster having me running around nearly naked can be!  It's time to stop the insanity!  This is my call for unhindered, unashamed, and unabashed pooping for all!  It stinks people!  It's disgusting folks! But it's natural and we were designed to do it!  We even have a special pucker we carry around at all times to help us do it!  If you don't want to deal with poop, deal with the thought that you have no idea how many people you come in contact with that might not have anything on under their pants!  That thought warms my soul.  Which reminds me, I better go pack some extra panties...