Gurl, You Need Some Boundaries...

A few days ago my ex midwife partner sent me this:



I laughed my head off because this is how I feel about myself.  I ask folks all the time to pray for me since I secretly think the Big Guy might not be listening to my pleas because of my cursing habit.  The problem is, I like doing it.  I've had several periods of time in my life when I've read a scripture, felt sorely chastised, and stopped swearing.  I've stayed clean for six months before but I lose all joy and meaning in my existence and fall off the wagon and start a cussin' again.  The problem is my upbringing.  Look at this joker:

That's my cute grandpa.  He died about two years ago and that stupid bathtub happens to be in one of my bedrooms.  My kids sleep and play in it and I think about him every time I see it.  Anyhoo, this dude could swear.  He was a sailor, but didn't really curse like one.  He was classy about it.  No F-bombs, no taking the Lord's name in vain.  Just good old fashioned words like damn timed at just the right moment for effect.  My daughter tried convincing me today that damn is an old man swear word.  I said, "Hey, that's one of my favorites!"  She rolled her eyes condescendingly and said, "exactly."  The "old man" smiling in the bathtub happened to issue three sons from his loins.  One of which, was my daddy.  Look at him:

 

He's a specimen.  Notice his three legged cat Dexter behind him?  I'll blog about that idiot soon but my daddy is even better at cursing than ole Warren G.  (his daddy).  I've learned a lot about life from my dad.  I love him dearly and respect him more than almost anyone except the fat dude I'm married to.  One of the most important lessons he ever taught me was about swearing.  I told him once I was thinking about laying off cursing.  He told me, "shit, damn, hell, and bastard are not swear words.  they are nouns."  I have held that wisdom close to my heart ever since. 

 

I might not be so worried about my swearing problem except I have no couth or boundaries in any other area of my life either.  I know this is not a surprise to anyone who knows me.  However, what might surprise most folks is that I sometimes practice introspection and wonder what will become of me when this life ends if I don't get it together soon.  My excuse lately when anyone gives me guff about my actions is to say, "I want people to have something to say at my funeral."  In reality, I am thinking, "I am on the fast bus straight to H-E-L-L."  Today, Kayley told me that one of her friends said, "your mom is hilarious... but frightening."  I asked Kayley if she had stuck up for me, but that was a big negative.  "I'm not scared of you mom but you know how you are..."I wanted to argue with her, but two seconds earlier I had been looking for Hannah so that we could go to Sonic for Happy Hour.  (Lay off okay, I LOVE diet strawberry limeades and I LOVE them most when they are only a dollar).  Kayley suggested I text Kaymbrie, Hannah's friend, and see if she knew where to find my kid.  Kaymbrie suggested I text Patrick.  SIDE NOTE:  Hannah has a major crush on Patrick and holds his hand a lot apparently.  I have tried to tell her that sex starts with hand holding and she tells me to knock it off and get a life.  STORY RESUMPTION:  Do I say to Kaymbrie, "thanks?"  Do I say, "Have a good day?"  Do I even ask how she is?  No!  This is what I said:

At that point Kaymbrie thought she was talking to Hannah.  I put that puppy to bed with this:

 

Her response?  "Goodness!"  What kind of kid says goodness?  She's practically screaming that I'm a dirtbag!  I felt terrible about my sins and said a few curses to make myself feel better but it didn't help. A little later I peeked on my ladies and saw Her Majesty as well as lovely capped brood and larvae.  

God certainly doesn't hate me and isn't holding a grudge if I got to lay eyes on my queen!  Shortly after that beautiful miracle we went to Reed's Dairy and they had Gorilla Munch!

It was a second delicious affirmation that I am still worthwhile if God loves me enough to bless me with my favorite flavor of ice cream!  Bottom line?  I learned nothing today.  If God wanted me to stop cursing or act more appropriately, he'd stop blessing me so much and punish me more severely.  Therefore, after exactly three hours of being clean, I'm off the damn wagon again.  Anyone want to ride shotgun on my fast bus to hell?