My Urethra is My Vagina is My Anus

WARNING.  This installment includes potentially offensive words including sex, clitoris, and vagina.  Please remember I have no filter and read with caution!

I love being a Certified Nurse Midwife.  I enjoy providing labor support and delivering babies.  I enjoy diagnosing illness, draining nasty pustules, and digging impacted wax out of ears.  I love putting stitches in gaping vaginas.  I just love the variety I get with my job.  Perhaps the most rewarding thing about my career choice is listening to the things women say to me.  I get to hear about their sex lives, the perverted things they enjoy (which are few and far between because I practice in Rexburg), and even wonderful, uplifting things about their hobbies, kids, and husbands.  Women without an epidural are most verbally interesting in labor as they sweat, moan, and cry their babies into existence.  Although the women with epidurals are much quieter, they sometimes say offensive words as crowning begins and this always makes me happy.  The verbal assault I enjoy during clinic hours is usually not accompanied by profanity as often as it is in labor, but it can definitely be very graphic.  Women in Rexburg have lots of names for their genitals and I have heard plenty of slang.  I will only repeat the non-offensive ones here because I don't want my mom to know that I know them and USE them:

• Biz-Iz-Nay
• Lady Parts
• Hoo-Ha
• Cootchie
• Female names such as Tammy
• Cooter
• Va Jay Jay
• Taco

If you are a fellow pervert and I missed your favorite slang, know that I am aware there are plenty of others I could have chosen.  I actually don't mind slang given the fact that my mommy couldn't say the word penis until she was in her 50's out of embarrassment.  I do, however, mind when women don't understand their anatomy.  It has become a personal mission of mine to ensure that ladies take control of their bodies and understand how they work!  I am not beneath using hand signals and cartoon animation to get my point across about how sex acts are performed and why they feel so good.  In fact, I used the following signal in one of my premarital exams when a woman actually told me she did not know how to have intercourse EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ABOUT TO BE MARRIED!  I  hope the face is a good representation of how I felt when she told me this: 

When she didn't know what an erection was, I actually tried to mimic one by starting with my finger low and then raising up like so - again notice the face:

I even tried to talk about sexual positions with her, specifically woman on top, and when she stared at me with a blank face I tried this:

Of course the entire conversation was only uncomfortable for her because I have no shame and in fact LIKE to see people squirm.  Besides, even though it might feel creepy to talk about human sexuality, if you don't know how your body is designed, or how sex works, you are never going to enjoy it.  Hello ladies!  Sex can be fantastic with a caring partner and we should not be expected to take anything less as women!  I'm sorry for that feminist rant but it's true. 

If you think I get worked up about lack of knowledge regarding sexuality, you should see how fired up I get when women don't know they have three genital orifices.  This has been happening less and less as my career progresses, but seriously ladies, you need to know you have three holes!  You pee out of a hole called a urethra.  Below that is your vagina or your "baby hole" as my daughter Kayley likes to call it.  One day maybe I'll blog about a picture she drew me once about her baby hole but I digress....  Beneath your baby hole is your anus or your pooper.  Many also call this area the butthole, but I can never say it without giggling like a school girl, so I hardly ever use that term.  The three holes are not interchangeable, and they only serve the primary function they were designed for.  For example, if you poop out of your baby hole then you likely have a big problem called a fistula.  If your baby came out of your urethra you'd be in a shitload of trouble and terrible pain!  One of my backups, Dr. Meredith, once saw a baby's fist come out of the anus during a birth, but let's just say that was abnormal and that poor momma got a vagina full of stitches!  

For the first time ever, I had a cross over of bad sexuality information and worse orifice information.  I was talking about libido with a patient I care very much for.  I like to talk to her because she is interesting and I never know what she is going to say next... Much like me!  Anyhoo, she has been married for many years and admitted that she had just recently had her first orgasm.  She said, "When it happened, I finally realized what everyone is always talking about."  Then she drove the nail in my coffin.  "I always thought my happy spot was the same place I peed out of."  See girls?  Think of all those wasted orgasm years simply because she had no idea that her clitoris resided in its own designated spot!  I of course also wondered what her husband has been up to all these years.  Maybe HE needs my anatomy lesson too!

Bottom line sisters, if you didn't know you had three holes, what the word clitoris and/or intercouse mean, or if you didn't know that sex can feel, well, orgasmic, the time has come to explore this truth for yourself and figure out your anatomy once and for all!  Feel free to thank me for my wisdom any time...