Tar Heel State

This last week I was lucky enough to have 7 days off in a row.  Since airfare to Idaho is ridiculously expensive right now and the family will be moving to Rhode Island in about a month, I decided to save the cash for moving and take a less expensive road trip to see my friend Maren in North Carolina.  One of the best things about the trip was a rest stop bathroom in Pennsylvania:

I know.  There are no words.  It was fantastic.  Although I contemplated that the above video could potentially be the highlight of my trip, I decided to give NC a chance to impress me and finished my drive to Maren and Kevin:

They have been dating for about a year and pretty quickly after I landed, Maren announced they were engaged.  I have hung around these two before and wasn't surprised when Maren announced their upcoming nuptials.  I was quite happy about the announcement given how much time they spend kissing and spanking each other.  Truth be told, they are romantically disgusting pretty much constantly.  Since celibacy is pretty awful, it will be good for them to finally put their sexual energy to good use, wear themselves out, and become normal and productive members of society again.  Here's the happy couple in one of their many smooch fests:

Besides watching the North Carolina lovebirds, I also tried North Carolina boiled peanuts:

They are everywhere down there.  At the gas stations as depicted in the above pic, at sporting events, at all the farmer's markets...  It's like pizza strips in Rhode Island but instead of a delicious pizza strip, you get boiled peanuts.  I first ate them about a year ago when my sister cooked some up.  I thought they were grody then but figured it was my sister's failing.  I was wrong.  It's a failing of the peanut.  Sorry southerners, peanuts just weren't meant to be eaten this way.  Boiling them makes them hot, soggy, and ensures they will taste like the shell you cooked them in.  I don't know if you have heard of roasted and salted peanuts or honey roasted peanuts,  but they are much better than the horrible idea y'all had to boil them.  Heck, if you want a soft peanut, try my favorite preparation:  peanut butter!  Leave this peanut nonsense to the experts and use boiling water for something tasty... like mashed potatoes...

North Carolina had something else that was everywhere...

Yep, waterfalls.  And did you like that I tapped that lady in purple on the head?  She didn't seem to care but I had a great time bugging her.  I saw about 7 really great falls and could have seen about 20 more in the small area I was in if I wanted to hike any more than I already had.  Which I didn't...  which is why I only saw 7...  I also got to see a really cool cavern that was wet as could be.  So wet in fact, I didn't dare take out my camera for fear of water damage from all the moisture dripping off the cave ceiling. 

I also roasted weenies and s'mores around Maren and Kevin's firepit, but forgot to take pictures.  It's probably because I've sat around a million fires in my day and forgot how unusual that probably is for most people.  We made Caramelo S'mores out of some candy bars I had in the back of my car and man were they delicious!

I also went to a Baptist church the Sunday I was there.  Maren said sometimes they had a banjo player that sang hymns.  He didn't end up showing which I thought was false advertising on Maren's part, but the rest of the meeting was quite interesting.  I wanted to take pictures since I enjoyed myself immensely, but felt like I should probably be respectful on the Sabbath Day.  The preacher yelled a lot, flung spittle at least a mile, and played the piano to accompany all the prayers that were said.  There was also some random dude in the congregation that played the tambourine along with the 10 million hymns that were sung.  It was pure perfection.  I don't have any desire to convert, but I quite like Baptists and would invite them anywhere, especially if I could count on a banjo or tambourine coming with them!

I had a few other adventures but have no more pictures to prove myself with.  However, I can say that I like you North Carolina.  You're no Ocean State, but I've visited twice and would definitely come back...  Even if I do have to wade through stupid boiled peanuts to talk to you... 

April Fools

One year ago today, I kissed and hugged my sexy lover in the early morning darkness on my driveway in Idaho and set off alone for greener pastures in Rhode Island.  The day before, I took this selfie as I left my old job for the last time:

I had no idea as I walked out that door for the last time what an incredibly difficult and yet truly wonderful year lay before me.  I couldn't have dreamed just how many interesting people, things, and foods I would experience this year.  I also certainly didn't understand just how strong and resilient I really am, nor just how strong my children could be for that matter.  It took stepping out into the wide world and taking one day at a time to realize just how brave and awesome my kids, Jared, and I really can be when the chips are down.  Although there were many days that I wanted to give up and run home, endless kind words from friends and family helped me through my darkest moments and before I knew it, 365 days had passed.  I'm now on the other end and not only am I still alive, I'm thriving, and can admit that I love Rhode Island and am glad that I moved.  Besides my own efforts to mark this big day, I've had a few people independently comment on my anniversary as well.  Jared remembers kissing me and then watching my frost covered back car window recede into the darkness as he stood on the driveway to see me off.  I guess I could ask him how it made him feel to see me go, but he has only two emotions:

1.  Awake
2.  Asleep

Therefore, his ruminations are usually pretty worthless if you want some sort of meaningful discussion about anything relating to the deep musings of your soul.

My friend Alyssa also was thinking of my accomplishment.  She sent me this snap of her Facebook memories: 

I'd also like to include part of the goodbye card she gave me a year ago:

Yep.  Amazing isn't it?  And she's actually one of the classier people I know.

So what did I do besides wax poetic to commemorate my exodus to the East?  Well, I had a bunch of mundane responsibilities to attend to, but I did manage to explore three antique shops while drinking over 100 ounces of Diet Dr. Pepper.  It was glorious.  I even accidentally stumbled into this Christian thrift store that was blasting Christian rock over the loud speakers.

It made my day but Yelp was wrong.  It most certainly was NOT an antique or vintage store.  Oh well, if I've learned anything this year it's that you can't win them all!

For those of you that are surprised by my activities today, I know full well that April Fools Day is a holiday on which I should be thinking of ways to torture and humiliate others.  However, I torture and humiliate people almost every other day of my life, so instead, this day will probably forever be one of contemplation and reflection for me.  I can't help it.  What a year it's been! 

Spring has Sprung

March 20th was the first day of Spring.  It also happened to be the first day for this:

That's right folks.  The Ice Cream Barn in Swansea, Mass opened on the first day of spring.  I ate a whole lot of ice cream last summer trying to find Reed Dairy's equal.  Although the Barn's waffle cones aren't as good as Reed's, their ice cream sure is and therefore, my life will continue without Reed's Dairy.  Rhode Island folks, and to some degree, Massholes, LOVE their ice cream.  In the summertime, ice cream shacks are almost as plentiful as the clam shacks.  By December, almost all of them are closed, which I used to think was crazy given that Reed's is open (and busy) year round.  I didn't really appreciate that only being able to get quality ice cream in the summer has its charms until I realized just how darn excited I was for March 20th to roll around.  It's like something magical happens with the opening of the first ice cream stand.  It's a rebirth if you will.  It heralds the return of warm weather, beaches filled with human life, and ice cream and seafood as far as the eye can see.  It intensifies the excitement of the upcoming summer season and I find that I feel almost giddy with anticipation.  The remaining frat house members were just as excited as I was and as such, we decided several weeks ago that we would go to the Barn on opening night.  I of course Snapchatted endlessly about the entire process.  Here's the beginning of our trip...

And what was it like when we arrived?  This!

We waited an hour to get our ice cream and the line wound around the building and filled the place to capacity for the entire time we were there.  It literally was an endless march of people just like me...  connoisseurs that had waited months for a little slice of dairy heaven.  Was it worth it?  Well of course it was.  I decided to go with Heath Peanut Butter Cup after shamelessly trying a sample of everything I could get my mouth around so that I would be prepared in advance for my inevitable return trip.  As I shoveled in my free samples, I got to stand in line next to a lady from Swansea who works at the local Walmart and had stocked up on several pints prior to the Barn's closing in December so she wouldn't be left without her ice cream during the long winter.  She was hilarious and I wanted to Snapchat her too, but she politely declined.  She did tell me in her lovely Boston accent about the Gah-den show they were having in Boston this upcoming weekend and that I should go so that I could find everything I needed for my Yah-d and Gah-den while also pointing out how much she loves the caw-fee flavored ice cream...  Man do I love New Englanders and their awesome accents.  Know what else New Englanders like, especially Rhode Islanders?  Sprinkles.  Except Rhodies call them Jimmies.  I'm serious.  Jimmies.  They even roll their ice cream cones in them.  Here's Kelsey's ice cream rolled in chocolate Jimmies:

It's bizarre.  Jimmies in the western land I hail from are used mostly on cookies or cupcakes though can also be used on ice cream sundaes in moderation.  I have yet to see a Rhodie use a Jimmie as a condiment.  It's more like the ice cream is the condiment to their chocolate or rainbow Jimmies.  It's hilarious and it's one more quirky thing that I just love about the folks out here.  Since I was greedy and overzealous, I ordered a large waffle cone which consisted of about 5 scoops of ice cream.  It was ridiculous.  Renee and Kelsey ordered large cones too because they didn't know I was being an idiot.  I finished my cone without fanfare or delay because I am an expert at cone demolition.  Renee made herself sick finishing hers, and Kelsey had to throw out most of her cone.  Lightweights.  Not everyone is cut out for competitive ice cream consumption I guess.  It's been two days since I finished my cone and I'm already trying to decide when I should meander back to the Ice Cream Barn.  I'm not terribly worried about it because even if I don't manage to swallow a second cone in the next couple of weeks, another huge milestone is coming up on April first.  That's the one year anniversary of when I left for the east, but it also is the first day that Del's Lemonade opens throughout Rhode Island.  I'm going to shoot for a frozen lemonade on opening day but I'm on call and might not get around to it until April 2nd.  The only other thing I need to complete my trifecta of summer joy is the opening of the New England clam shacks...  Man, summer can't get here fast enough!

Meet me at Sabin Point Park...

At last it has happened.  My home in Idaho has sold and I have managed to find another one to purchase here in Rhode Island - in East Providence to be exact.  Funny thing is, the house is about one mile away from my very first apartment in Rhode Island and I'm actually happy to head back to my original stomping grounds.  The house itself is in need of a lot of work which of course suits me just fine.  The beauty thing is that Jared and I should be able to turn it into a right lovely house and since we will finally be together, life will be grand once again.  This home wasn't my first choice, but I think I can be happy there and am ready to move on.  Earlier this week, my mom sent me a pic of Bubba:

She's sleeping on top of Lily because no one got her bed made.  What's really going on is that she's lonely for her momma and has been in need of extra snuggles and love for an entire year.  It makes me sad that all my babies have suffered with so much stress this last year and I'm glad this house sale should put that all to rest.

I have looked at 10 million houses here in Rhode Island and have felt so sad because I LOVED my home in Idaho.  I loved it from the moment I laid eyes on it, and in some ways, still feel weird that it no longer belongs to me.  I've felt so discouraged that I might never find a place I can at least be satisfied with, let alone love.  Today, as if he could read my thoughts, my brother Jameson drove by my Idaho house for old times sake and noticed something interesting in the front yard:

It's a Catholic saint!  I absolutely thought that was awesome and in some ways, it has helped me to let go.  It really doesn't belong to me anymore, and I hope the new owners derive as much happiness there as my family and I did.  Maybe that little saint will protect them from my friend Alyssa.  She's only a few blocks away and they have no idea what they are up against if that lunatic comes knocking on their door.

This evening, after I got done volunteering at the Free Clinic, and after I had giggled about the Catholic Saint for the 10th time, I came home to find the documents I needed to sign for my new home all ready to go.  I put my Herbie Hancock on everything and realized I'm about one month away from closure on a space of my own.  It will feel good to start planting, painting, sanding, and settling into my new domain.  Here's the envelope that my Earnest money is in...

I guess it's official.  My life in Rhode Island is going to finally be permanent and it only took me a year to make it so.  In fact, my one year anniversary hits on April 1st... Which also happens to be the first day that Del's Lemonade opens around Rhode Island...  Hey!  Meet me at Sabin Point Park everyone!  We'll get us some Del's, swing on the swings, look at the ocean, and then go hang out at my new place and laugh about what a baby I've been for the last year!

My How the Years Do Fly...

Dear Kayley,

18 years ago today, this weirdo came into my life:

I don't mean the fascinating woman on the left, I mean you - the woman on the right.  I remember the day I grunted you out almost like it was yesterday.  I cannot believe that 18 years have passed and that I have somehow managed to turn you from a fetus:

Into this:

You are a lovely, talented, good natured, and all around delightful young woman.  I have appreciated all the help you have given me through the years - especially this last year since you and Hannah have pretty much had to be the mommies in my home.  I have actually been pondering your life a lot these last few months, since you aren't moving to Rhode Island with us.  You get to start college in the fall and will have your own grown up life which doesn't include living with your mommy anymore.  I'm sad that we won't get to hang around together like we used to, but I'm excited to see what you will make of the rest of your life.

Given that you are now technically my equal, I probably need to stop bossing you around like I normally do and treat you with some adult respect.  Therefore, as my final bossing act, here are a few unsolicited parting words of advice that might help you on your continued journey into womanhood.

1.  Love yourself.  You are worth every penny I paid to get you to this point and if you don't love yourself, you can't expect it from anyone else.

2.  Get as much education as you can.  You're a woman and you need it.  You never know what situations might arise in your life and the more education you have means you're going to be more likely to be able to support yourself should the need arise.

3.  Don't be afraid to stand alone.  Whether it's a moral decision, a new adventure, or just a trip to the mall, be comfortable in your ability to make decisions independent of everyone else if necessary.

4.  Try every new food you can get your hands on.  Life's too short to eat at McDonald's my friend, enough said.

5.  Laugh as much as you possibly can and surround yourself with people that make you happy.

6.  Avoid people that want you to be something you are not.  Anyone who suggests they would like you better if you only looked, thought, or acted the way they wanted you to are not true friends.  Run away from that type of lunatic as fast as you can!

7.  Marry your best friend.  I'm sorry that I already took the sexiest man out there, but hopefully you can find a strong second and have as much happiness as dad and I have had together through the years.

8.  Face your fears and don't be afraid to try new things.  It's an awesome world out there so go out and experience it! 

Kayley, I have lots more advice to give, especially on topics relating to vaginal health, farting etiquette, and pregnancy.  However, I can't tell you everything I know because I want you to have a reason to call me in the future.  I love you honey.  Happy Birthday. 

Love,
Momma

Passing the Torch

With my house in Idaho closing in 9 days, I've been obsessively pondering what's next on my horizon.  I've spent time worrying about finding a new house.  I've stressed about how quickly I think Jared will find a job.  And since worrying is one of my talents, I've incessantly wondered whether I will ever feel adequate in my new midwife position here in Rhode Island.  It's been a long year with some immense changes that have happened simultaneously and some days my head just spins.

Occasionally, I'll call my mom and whine, but since she is utterly unflappable, she cannot relate to how overwhelmed I sometimes feel.  Thus, the conversation usually ends with her ridiculing me for my concerns, but it does typically inspire me to suck it up for a few days.  Jared is always on my side and only stresses out when I'm stressed out (every other day) so I try not to bug him about my fears unless it's an emergency (every three days).  When Jared and my mom fail to assuage my panic, and just as I feel convinced yet again that I made a horrible mistake moving to the Ocean State, one of my friends or siblings will call to check on me and I feel invigorated to continue forward.  A bit ago, one of my friends texted me this picture:

Look at me!  I'm getting ready to slap a clamp on her kid's cord and I feel peaceful whenever I look at this pic.  There's something really marvelous about those first few moments after a birth when mom has laid eyes on her new baby for the first time.  She immediately begins to bond with this little soul and there have been many births that have brought me to tears.  I've had a few patients send me pictures of me doing my nurse midwife thing over the years and it's touching to see myself from a different perspective.  I consider myself a decent midwife and have felt called to my profession.  When I think about bailing, I can't even come up with a different option that would make me as happy as midwifery has.  When I thought about the last few births I've done for my friend Sarah, I realized it's just the new situation I'm in that feels uncomfortable, but I still know how to be a nurse midwife and eventually, I should feel just as comfortable here as I was in Idaho.

I also took on a new student this week:

Look how happy she looks.  That's because students and new midwives have boundless hope, energy, and excitement at the start of their careers.  I'm about 10 years in and I'm beginning to feel my age.  I also noticed that she's not stressing me out like my last two students did.  I'm actually excited to teach her a thing or two.  I had an epiphany that my feelings of care about this new student stem from a lighter schedule and lots of days off.  That alone should remind me that this change was a good one and time will continue to improve my situation.  I actually feel really sorry for the last two nurse midwives that had to cope with my sad, exhausted, grouchy demeanor as I shoved my torch of knowledge up their backsides instead of politely passing it on as I should have.  Here's my official apology to Marie and Carla.  Sorry gals, I did the best I could.  At least I don't think either of you are dumbasses anymore so next time we see each other, lunch is on me.

Life is change and it is sometimes tough to take.  However, my life is good and I've been incredibly blessed when you get right down to it.  Big deep breath midwife.  You're gonna be ok...

It's the Home Stretch Bubba

Yesterday, Bubba called to let me know something really wonderful had happened.  Turned out it was this:

For a split second I almost cried.  She's my last baby and I wasn't home for her first tooth dropping out of her beak!  Actually, another kindergartener yanked it out for her, which I thought was freaking awesome, but you get my drift...  I stuffed down my moment of panic and then remembered that I should have that kid back in my home in time to knock the next one out myself.  I asked if she had properly prepared her tooth for the Tooth Fairy to arrive, but since she has several sisters who have lost teeth to show her how it's done, I was assured that was the first thing she had accomplished once school had let out.

I know most people leave their tooth under their pillow and get a lame amount of money for their efforts.  My family, for at least two generations, has used a different kind of fairy.  Our fairy requires the tooth to be left in a glass of water on the nearest windowsill.  The next morning, the water and the tooth are gone, and in their place, the fairy leaves candy.  I have no idea where our Tooth Fairy was recruited from, but the awe of discovering candy in place of water and a tooth has fascinated everyone in my family for as long as I can remember.  It's pretty cool.  Early this morning, Bubba texted me a pic of her first tooth loss booty...

She was thrilled, and I suspect the candy was gone before breakfast time.  She sent me the text at 9 am my time, but I didn't get it until after 11.  Judge all you want, but I had the morning off and I made good use of it.  Once I rolled my bones out of bed, I found the frat house owner sick on the couch.  She had made it to work but had to come home soon after for a belly ache and some puking.  She didn't get much better through the day and by this evening, I made a run for this:

I wanted to do whatever I could to help her because I don't want her getting me sick!  I've listened to her pooping and puking several times tonight and felt panic for my own welfare.  Renee only has one bathroom and it's downstairs but I live upstairs.  I began to think about just what it would be like if I started to struggle with what Renee has.  Ten bucks says I'd be lying in my bed, feel the urge to spew or poop, would try to run downstairs to hit the john, and I'd slip and fall.  It's not the falling that scares me, it's the fear that I would then either puke and/or poop and then I'd lie on the stairs injured and covered in my own filth.  I can guarantee that Renee would not fall for the same trick I pulled on my sister Jeta years ago and I would end up having to clean up my own mess - which is awful when you are ill.  I said a quick prayer to heaven that my self-serving Christian act would be enough to allow the shadow of death to pass over me.  We shall see...

What else happened today on this, Bubba's first Tooth Fairy day?  Well, this:

Yep.  You're looking at my normal mammogram report.  I wasn't worried about it to begin with, but sent the selfie to my sisters just the same.  My jerk sister Briana snidely mentioned she was surprised my shirt was on for the picture.  I was instantly ashamed of myself and promised Briana that in two years I would take a selfie with my clean bill of health... shirtless...  She then complained by text, but my response was, and I quote, "You brought this on yourself really.  Never tempt the devil I say."  I'm glowing just thinking about how happy I will be to send that picture and how uncomfortable everyone else will be to get it.  You know, it's the small things in life that really mean the most.