Passing the Torch

With my house in Idaho closing in 9 days, I've been obsessively pondering what's next on my horizon.  I've spent time worrying about finding a new house.  I've stressed about how quickly I think Jared will find a job.  And since worrying is one of my talents, I've incessantly wondered whether I will ever feel adequate in my new midwife position here in Rhode Island.  It's been a long year with some immense changes that have happened simultaneously and some days my head just spins.

Occasionally, I'll call my mom and whine, but since she is utterly unflappable, she cannot relate to how overwhelmed I sometimes feel.  Thus, the conversation usually ends with her ridiculing me for my concerns, but it does typically inspire me to suck it up for a few days.  Jared is always on my side and only stresses out when I'm stressed out (every other day) so I try not to bug him about my fears unless it's an emergency (every three days).  When Jared and my mom fail to assuage my panic, and just as I feel convinced yet again that I made a horrible mistake moving to the Ocean State, one of my friends or siblings will call to check on me and I feel invigorated to continue forward.  A bit ago, one of my friends texted me this picture:

Look at me!  I'm getting ready to slap a clamp on her kid's cord and I feel peaceful whenever I look at this pic.  There's something really marvelous about those first few moments after a birth when mom has laid eyes on her new baby for the first time.  She immediately begins to bond with this little soul and there have been many births that have brought me to tears.  I've had a few patients send me pictures of me doing my nurse midwife thing over the years and it's touching to see myself from a different perspective.  I consider myself a decent midwife and have felt called to my profession.  When I think about bailing, I can't even come up with a different option that would make me as happy as midwifery has.  When I thought about the last few births I've done for my friend Sarah, I realized it's just the new situation I'm in that feels uncomfortable, but I still know how to be a nurse midwife and eventually, I should feel just as comfortable here as I was in Idaho.

I also took on a new student this week:

Look how happy she looks.  That's because students and new midwives have boundless hope, energy, and excitement at the start of their careers.  I'm about 10 years in and I'm beginning to feel my age.  I also noticed that she's not stressing me out like my last two students did.  I'm actually excited to teach her a thing or two.  I had an epiphany that my feelings of care about this new student stem from a lighter schedule and lots of days off.  That alone should remind me that this change was a good one and time will continue to improve my situation.  I actually feel really sorry for the last two nurse midwives that had to cope with my sad, exhausted, grouchy demeanor as I shoved my torch of knowledge up their backsides instead of politely passing it on as I should have.  Here's my official apology to Marie and Carla.  Sorry gals, I did the best I could.  At least I don't think either of you are dumbasses anymore so next time we see each other, lunch is on me.

Life is change and it is sometimes tough to take.  However, my life is good and I've been incredibly blessed when you get right down to it.  Big deep breath midwife.  You're gonna be ok...

It's the Home Stretch Bubba

Yesterday, Bubba called to let me know something really wonderful had happened.  Turned out it was this:

For a split second I almost cried.  She's my last baby and I wasn't home for her first tooth dropping out of her beak!  Actually, another kindergartener yanked it out for her, which I thought was freaking awesome, but you get my drift...  I stuffed down my moment of panic and then remembered that I should have that kid back in my home in time to knock the next one out myself.  I asked if she had properly prepared her tooth for the Tooth Fairy to arrive, but since she has several sisters who have lost teeth to show her how it's done, I was assured that was the first thing she had accomplished once school had let out.

I know most people leave their tooth under their pillow and get a lame amount of money for their efforts.  My family, for at least two generations, has used a different kind of fairy.  Our fairy requires the tooth to be left in a glass of water on the nearest windowsill.  The next morning, the water and the tooth are gone, and in their place, the fairy leaves candy.  I have no idea where our Tooth Fairy was recruited from, but the awe of discovering candy in place of water and a tooth has fascinated everyone in my family for as long as I can remember.  It's pretty cool.  Early this morning, Bubba texted me a pic of her first tooth loss booty...

She was thrilled, and I suspect the candy was gone before breakfast time.  She sent me the text at 9 am my time, but I didn't get it until after 11.  Judge all you want, but I had the morning off and I made good use of it.  Once I rolled my bones out of bed, I found the frat house owner sick on the couch.  She had made it to work but had to come home soon after for a belly ache and some puking.  She didn't get much better through the day and by this evening, I made a run for this:

I wanted to do whatever I could to help her because I don't want her getting me sick!  I've listened to her pooping and puking several times tonight and felt panic for my own welfare.  Renee only has one bathroom and it's downstairs but I live upstairs.  I began to think about just what it would be like if I started to struggle with what Renee has.  Ten bucks says I'd be lying in my bed, feel the urge to spew or poop, would try to run downstairs to hit the john, and I'd slip and fall.  It's not the falling that scares me, it's the fear that I would then either puke and/or poop and then I'd lie on the stairs injured and covered in my own filth.  I can guarantee that Renee would not fall for the same trick I pulled on my sister Jeta years ago and I would end up having to clean up my own mess - which is awful when you are ill.  I said a quick prayer to heaven that my self-serving Christian act would be enough to allow the shadow of death to pass over me.  We shall see...

What else happened today on this, Bubba's first Tooth Fairy day?  Well, this:

Yep.  You're looking at my normal mammogram report.  I wasn't worried about it to begin with, but sent the selfie to my sisters just the same.  My jerk sister Briana snidely mentioned she was surprised my shirt was on for the picture.  I was instantly ashamed of myself and promised Briana that in two years I would take a selfie with my clean bill of health... shirtless...  She then complained by text, but my response was, and I quote, "You brought this on yourself really.  Never tempt the devil I say."  I'm glowing just thinking about how happy I will be to send that picture and how uncomfortable everyone else will be to get it.  You know, it's the small things in life that really mean the most.   

Bears Boobies and Other Good News

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having a special visitor arrive at the frat house...

For a split second I thought, "Hey!  That's the bear suit!  Alyssa is in Rhode Island!"  A split second later, I found out it was her friend and they had planned a joke that was supposed to happen for my birthday.  I didn't even care that she was a week late, because the joy I felt at seeing that funny suit was gift enough.  Since Alyssa is from Rhode Island, she still has some friends here and actually mailed the suit to her buddy and had the friend drive to my house and surprise me with some cookies.  This was particularly special because Rhode Islanders don't like to drive outside of their town, so the fact that Alyssa's accomplice drove about 21 miles to pull this joke is somewhat of a miracle.  If you don't believe me that Rhode Islanders feel this way about driving for more than five minutes - Google it.  They  are ridiculous about what they consider "road trips" and it is one of the things I find most hilarious and charming about them.  Here's my obligatory selfie with the bear suit:

I got to thinking about all the times and places Alyssa and I have used the bear suit both together and apart.  I have scared people in outhouses with it.  Alyssa has scared people in the woods and mountains of Wyoming/Idaho with it.  We have even used it just to make other people laugh as evidenced by my discussion above.  I also remembered that the night before I left Idaho, nearly one year ago, Alyssa and I used the bear suit too.  Here's our before and after shots...

I of course posted about some stuff I did with it on my trip out.  I even met Alyssa in it when I picked her up after her last trip to Rhode Island at the train station:

We also went to the beach and took some photos there:

I'm beating a dead horse, but I love that bear suit.  It represents the friendship I have with Alyssa and I appreciate being reminded of her.  I don't think I ever would have struck up a friendship with her had we not had so many responsibilities together at church.  It just goes to show that you never know how your life can be impacted by the people around you and I'm glad I've had a chance to get to know her.

I thought the bear suit was going to be the highlight of my week but I was lucky enough to have a second blessing this week.  My mammogram.  I had so much fun 2 years ago with my last mammo, that I honestly expected to be unimpressed.  I shouldn't have doubted my ability to have a good time, because as usual, I took something completely mundane and boring to most people and turned it into something creepy and unusual, thereby creating hours of fun for myself. 

It started when I surprised the mammogram tech by bringing my own wipes to clean my armpits with and my own deodorant to use after the mammogram was completed.  I told her I was prepared because I was so surprised two years ago when they made me wash my pits.  She insisted it was totally fine if I wanted to use her wipes and deodorant but I reassured her that I was happy as a clam to use my own.  She stared for a few minutes and then told me to put on my "Johnny" facing front and to open the door when I was ready for her to come get me.  I giggled because I think it's hilarious that Rhode Islanders call hospital tops/gowns "Johnnies."  I love it at the hospital when the nurses say it to the patients.  I always want to yell, "It's a gown!  Not a Johnny!"  But I've learned it does no good to argue with these people so I just smile like a stupid fool when I hear it and say in my mind, "It's a gown!"  Before I opened the door, I decided to snap a pic to remind my sisters to get their mammos done because of Jeta's recent breast cancer diagnosis.  They were not impressed:

After I snapped my pic of my "Johnny" the tech came and set me up for my mammogram.  She fondled and positioned and squished the bejeebers out of my boobs and I realized with no small amount of chagrin, that I had forgotten to grab my phone.  Therefore I missed the following three opportunities:

1. I didn't get to take the selfie I wanted with the mammogram tech
2. I didn't get to take a video of her fondling my saggy old boobies for my own creepy purposes
3. I didn't get to take a pic of my falsely luscious boobs and nipples once the picture had been taken (See my previous mammogram post)

I tried to hide my disappointment about my phone oversight by taking a compromising picture for Jared once I was done with the mammogram and about to change into my clothes.  Please be advised the emojis were not in place for his pic.  He's my lover and deserves the full show:

What I didn't realize, was that Bubba was playing with his phone at the time I decided to send my pic.  When she received the glorious image, she said to Jared, "WHAT THE HECK?!"  I know I should feel embarrassed or guilty about her seeing my boobs, but I don't.  Serves her right for snooping around and using a phone she doesn't pay for.  I hope she learns her lesson.

As if the bear suit, my mammo, and my boob pic snafu wasn't enough joy, I found out when I got back to the frat house that we passed inspection on the latest offer on our house.  It looks like the deal is probably going to go through as planned and my family should finally be able to make their own exodus to the east soon.  I am as contented as I could possibly be, even if I still feel a little negative and wary about the deal falling through.  My mom thinks I need to be more optimistic about the whole thing so in honor of the woman who doesn't worry about anything, here's proof I'm trying:

And that folks - is as good as it gets. 

 

Happy Burfday!

Today I turned 42 years old.  As usual, the idea of being one year closer to my inevitable death has been bothering me for weeks, so I tried to pretend that it was just another day.  Unfortunately for me, most people really like their birthday, and like to celebrate other people's birthdays, so I just couldn't seem to escape the well wishes.  I actually feel like the birthday celebration started yesterday because I got to go see my first Broadway play of the year with the new season tickets that I bought for Boston instead of Salt Lake where Jared and I have held them for 19 years.  It was "Something Rotten" and I convinced Renee and Dilma, one of my other coworkers, to come with me and pretend to be Jared and one of my girls.  Here we are after we saw the billboard for the first time:

I was sad not to have Jared with me for the first time in 19 years but the Boston Opera House was awesome!  Check it out...

Best of all, Boston is way closer than SLC used to be to me in Idaho and it was fabulous to not have a 3 hour commute each way!  When we left Providence, I was a little nervous about finding a parking place and a restaurant to eat in, but turns out, us three girls managed just fine in the big city and we had a blast.  I got home just after midnight this morning and Jared sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  I hated to admit it, but I actually enjoyed hearing his awful singing voice.  Best of all, my house officially went under contract at about 10:30 PM Idaho time on the 17th, but for me, it was already my birthday, so as Jared sang, I just beamed.  The realtor also reminded me that we had put the house up for sale exactly one year ago on my birthday and now, it looks like my misery might finally end. 

After the excitement of the house selling wore off, I was able to get to sleep but was awakened first thing by my daddy wishing me a Happy Birthday.  Most of my siblings, friends, and coworkers have followed suit, some have sent nice gifts, and I have been so appreciative of all of the thoughtfullness.  Renee even had her family come over and eat dinner and have cupcakes with me and they gave me some thoughtful presents.  Here we are around the table after they yelled, "we're your other family now!"

The only downside of my whole day was when my crummy friend Alyssa and her even crummier husband sent me videos and pics of Elvis wishing me a Happy Birthday.  What a couple of tools...

Because my mother has taught me to treat others well despite harsh treatment, I decided to rise above their abuse rather than sink to their level...  Here's proof so my mommy can finally be proud of me:

Man what a birthday it's been.  I'm humbled by the kindness of all of my new friends...  I'm grateful that this endless year might finally see me back with my lover and kids...  I'm also stunned that I didn't mind my birthday this year as much as I have in years past, but am chalking that up to loneliness induced psychosis.  Whatever the reason for my change of heart, don't expect it to last.  I'm sure once I'm comfortably back with my family, my ungrateful and grouchy heart will return.  Happy Birthday to me!   

Will you Marry Me Amazon?

I HATE shopping and always have.  About 4 or 5 years ago, I discovered Amazon at Christmas time and began to use it almost exclusively for my holiday shopping.  About a year ago, I began to realize that Amazon is often at least as inexpensive as any of the box stores and as long as I spent enough, shipping was usually free.  This meant I could buy the thing I wanted (as long as I thought about it with enough time for my item to ship) and never have to leave my house to get said item.  This system was working pretty well until I mentioned to one of my new midwife partners that it was a bummer when I only needed one thing because my cheap self would rather drive to the store than pay for shipping.  Chelsea said, "Have you thought about paying for Amazon Prime?"  She tried to espouse all the wonderful things about it, but given my cheap streak, I didn't think I would be able to justify the cost of a membership just to be able to ship a single item for free here and there. 

It wasn't until I became fed up with the limited streaming videos on Netflix that I decided to listen to Chelsea's sage advice.  I canceled Netflix, purchased Amazon prime which comes with streaming video, and even splurged a little extra to purchase one of the streaming movie channels they offer.  It actually ends up being less than I was paying for Netflix, but now I get free shipping on any Prime item...  Even if it's only one thing.  Additionally, they usually try to get your Prime items to you in anywhere from 1 to 3 days.  EXCUSE ME?!  When Chelsea was telling me all about the perks, I thought she was exaggerating, but apparently it's true.

Christmastime came and I did my usual thing, but it wasn't until the holidays were over that I really began to realize my true potential with Amazon.  What have I ordered?  Well, a giant bottle of Lestoil which is this stinky cleaner that Renee the frat house owner likes.  Then 2 days later, I needed a gift for her daughter's birthday so I ordered one pair of socks.  3 days ago, I got a free gift card for signing up for a credit card on Amazon which I immediately cancelled (one of my other scams I constantly am running with Amazon) and purchased 2 boxes of diapers and wipes for a friend of mine in Wyoming.  Do you know how awesome it was to send a gift like that and not have to pay for it... plus have it shipped for free?!  Only those who know me well will understand how wonderful Amazon makes my cheap heart feel!

My crowning moment came when I noticed my retractable ID badge holder was fraying on Monday night while I was on call.  I purchased the holder in the hospital gift shop for 6 bucks about 6 months ago.  It wasn't the one I really liked but there was no way I was going to pay 20 dollars for a stupid badge holder.  Heck, I even thought 6 bucks was steep for something so stupid...  Anyhoo, as I laid there in the call room, I wondered for the umpteenth time whether I could find what I needed on Amazon - even though I already knew the answer was going to be yes.  Not only did I find nearly the exact same kind, but I found a bag of 12 of them.  By the time my free shipping was taken care of, it only cost me 6.50 to have them shipped.  They arrived 2 days later on my Wednesday call shift so I found them this morning when I got back home.  Here they are:

And look how similar one of the new blue ones is to my old one!

A thing of beauty, no?  For a full minute, I considered storming into the gift shop and demanding to know why they were charging so darn much for something I got for the 12th of the cost PLUS FREE SHIPPING!  However, since I would have had to leave the house, I decided it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.  Plus, I don't want those jerks to find out how great Amazon is.  If they got their shipping for free, they might charge even more money for the crap they are trying to sell in there! 

Listen people, I love Amazon so much that I have considered dumping Jared for them.  However, I would miss the sex and because he does laundry, I can never let him go.  I guess I could search on Amazon for sex and laundry services... just to see if I could find them... which I'm half suspecting I could...but since Jared has never once called me fat, loud, obnoxious, or ridiculous, I probably better keep him for my emotional status quo.  That's right!  I love you Amazon!  I'm guessing I always will, and my husband (and everyone else) is just going to have to be ok with that fact...





 

Goodbye 2016 and Good Riddance...

Tonight it's New Year's Eve and I'm spending another holiday without my family.  I never thought in a million years I'd still be hanging on the East Coast alone and it's been a tough pill to swallow.  I only cried twice today and that's pretty darn good if you ask me.  Today is also my daddy's birthday and I'm sad that I don't get to spend the evening with that old grouch.  My friend Alyssa penned a nice post on her blog about how tough 2016 has been.  I was reminded just how awful this year has been for a lot of the people I love in this world and that I am certainly not alone in my misery.  I have friends and family who have gone months and months without a job, a sister with breast cancer, another sister with long standing infertility that has finally given up on another baby, friends having trouble paying their bills...  the list goes on and on.  Life is hard and it sort of pisses me off that it has to be that way. 

To keep my mind off the holiday, I spent the day at the Mystic Aquarium with Renee, her daughters, and her granddaughter.  We got in free with our Lifespan ID badges and then had dinner at Mystic Pizza - yes, the Mystic Pizza from the movie with Julia Roberts...  So, did I have a nice day?  Of course!  Mostly because even when I'm sad, I'm still me, and I like to be ridiculous and have a good time everywhere I go.  Seeing the animals at the aquarium wasn't the best part of my day because I took Renee's daughter Briana on a sled dog ride:

I also took a pic with Santa, who for some reason has not gone back to the North Pole, but is hanging out at the Mystic Aquarium on a big chair instead:

Briana and I also managed to get one of the scuba divers in the fish tank to come over and take a selfie with us - complete with rabbit ears!  I felt like I'd hit the jackpot:

After all this nonsense it didn't take Briana long to figure out that I would do just about anything anyone asked me to - including sticking my head up into this aquarium that only kids were playing in.  I can't help it that most adults are sticks in the mud...

After the day was over and I was driving home, I cried a bit but decided I should follow Alyssa's example and discuss the positives about this last year and maybe even list some of the things I've learned.  First, I've traveled to about a million places since I landed in New England.  I've gone to Cape Cod, the Statue of Liberty, most of the national parks and monuments in Rhode Island and Massachusetts.  I've explored Boston and walked in the shoes of the patriots who founded this country.  I traveled to DC and enjoyed the monuments celebrating our great nation.  I've spent time pondering the ultimate sacrifice that many of my countrymen have paid to bless me with freedom as I walked on sacred ground in Arlington, Virginia.  I've explored nearly all the beaches in Rhode Island (there are 100) and have walked hundreds of miles on nature trails in several states around me.  I've learned all about Rhode Island history and have learned some stuff even the locals don't know.  I've tried hot weenies, coffee milk, frozen lemonade, and ate lobster every payday for the entire summer so that by the time lobster prices started to rise, I was kind of glad to have a break.  This short list doesn't even cover everything I've done in the last nine months because since I left home, I have driven through and/or explored 20 states!  I could go on and on but the significant thing about everything I've seen is that I did it all alone, and that's a huge thing for someone who gets lost everywhere - even in their tiny home town.  I learned that with a GPS, a few bucks in my pocket, and a destination to explore, I could navigate to any town or landmark I wanted to see, and not a single person cared that I was there alone.  Only my own embarrassment or self consciousness can hold me back from anything I want to accomplish in this life.

Second, I learned that I really do love my sexy lover and my rotten kids as much as I thought I did.  Jared and my girls have been my rock this year and have done their very best with a horrible situation.  None of them have made me feel badly about the sacrifice that we are making so that we can have a different life in the East.  There will always be some friction in a family, but I'm proud of the girls for helping each other and their daddy until I can be with them again.  I'm so grateful I hitched my star to the man I did.  Jared loves me unconditionally and completely and has encouraged me to be my best from the moment he walked into my life.

Third, I'm grateful for all the family and friends that I have had the privilege to know in my life.  Their strength and trust in God despite their individual trials has sustained me - even when I have questioned my own strength, faith, or ability to continue on my chosen road.  Some of those friends also deserve a shout out for constantly checking in on me to make sure I knew that I was wanted, needed, and hadn't lost my mind by leaving my family behind. 

Last, I'm grateful to be me.  I'm brave, strong, and pretty darn amazing for everything I've accomplished over the course of my life.  If my daughters can learn that there is nothing they can't do - even stuff that is scary as hell and just as hard - all because they watched their momma live her own life that way... then I will have created my crowning opus.  Yep, I've done a lot of great stuff.  However, 2016 has still sucked some major nuts and I am looking forward to a change of fortune in the coming year.  Goodbye 2016...  Don't let the door hit you on the butt on your way out... 

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas morning.  It's a beautiful sunny day in Rhode Island and I am trying to feel blessed because of the season but since I am alone, I find it difficult to keep my focus positive.  Throughout my life, I have only missed two Christmases with my family.  The first was during my first year in college when the University of Utah went to the Freedom Bowl and the marching band had to leave early Christmas Day to make the trip to support the football team.  I spent that Christmas with my friend Lynda's family.  It was pleasant of course, but not the same.  This year, I'm spending Christmas with Renee - the frat house owner.  We had a delicious Christmas Eve dinner with her very loud family.  I enjoyed listening to them cackle and tell stories in their Boston accents and I ate lots of yummy food I don't normally consume this time of year.  Look at us:

I have met such wonderful people since arriving here in the East and am amazed at how friendly and kind complete strangers have been to me.  I am trying to remember that despite my loneliness, I have had an incredible nine months here and have accomplished lots of things many people would never have been able to do had they been in my shoes.  It helps a little...  but I find I am still lonely.  I've actually held it together pretty well this holiday season with my first Christmas tears occurring this morning when I awoke.  Jared had awakened early this morning and found that Santa had arrived in Idaho.  He sent me this sweet pic:

That's a Christmas tree that my kind brother let us borrow since mine is lost in a storage shed somewhere.  My entire front room is empty except for the tiny little tree and the presents dear Santa left behind.  Part of the magic of Christmas for me is listening to my children whisper about what might be downstairs, setting alarms to try and catch Santa at his work, and of course, their squeals of delight when they finally see their gifts.  This year, the frat house was nearly silent and the tender beauties of my usual Christmas season were 2500 miles away.  Yup.  I'm still sad.

This year was a miracle because Jared woke the girls up for presents instead of the other way around.  I was a bit worried about their mental health until the little ones admitted they had checked at 4 AM and discovered Santa had arrived.  Thank goodness some things never change.  This year, I got to experience something I have never tried before:

Christmas by FaceTime.  I've had lots of new experiences this year and most have been wonderful, but I have to admit that I prefer Christmas in person.  Jared has reminded me a lot this year that at least we have the technology to talk to each other face to face instead of waiting weeks and months for a letter to arrive from the ones we love.  He's right, but sorry, I'm still sad and lonely.  The girls had a nice Christmas.  I even had a few surprise presents that made the morning special.  Jared and I read the first Christmas story with the girls and I was moved to tears as I listened to the beginning of the life of a man who spent his entire existence serving others.  I know he suffered all for me and knows how I feel, but it still isn't helping.  I'm still lonely and sad.  However, it was nice to remember once again why we celebrate the day in the first place. 

I'm going to head out for a walk soon and will probably find a beach to comb since there is something wonderfully peaceful about that activity for me.  Renee has also invited me back to her mom's for more food and company.  I couldn't stand to do breakfast and the jury is still out about whether I feel emotionally stable enough to head over later, but it's nice to have an offer on the table.  My Christmas wish for 2016 is that everyone else that might be lonely and sad this year may somehow find peace and comfort in 2017... that, and I sure as heck hope that 2017 finds me together with Jared and his babies again.  Merry Christmas everyone.