Happy Father's Day Dad

This is my dad:

He used to be a spry young chicken with a sexy moustache and permed curly locks.  My mom once thought he was pretty hot in a carnal way, since he was one of the few men NOT strutting around in a sequined disco jumpsuit during the pointless 70's.  What a catch!  With the death of disco, he's slowly transformed into a grumpy grandpa that falls asleep if you stop talking to him for two minutes.  

Don't get me wrong, I idolize my dad.  Mostly I idolize his eccentricities because of the sheer delight they give me.  Like stupid Dexter, the three legged cat:

The way Dexter came to live with my parents is pretty hilarious in its own right, but how much my dad loves this guy is even more interesting.  You would think a three legged cat might need extra coddling, but he murders birds, runs REALLY fast when my baby wants to catch him, and even covers 30 percent of his waste in the litter box which astounds me given the physics of the whole thing.  My dad, however, is oblivious to Dexter's abilities.  He refuses to see him as "handicapable," but rather focuses on his perceived inadequacies.  He obsesses about Dexter getting hurt if you let him out of the house at the wrong time.  If Dexter whines at the door, outside of the predetermined safe time, dad lovingly coos, "no Dex, you can't go out."  I think my dad totally believes Dexter understands him, and often carries on one sided conversations with him.  Dexter just stands at the door on his three legs whining like a stupid cat.

Given that I am a jerk, and love to torture and emotionally manipulate anyone who gives me anything to work with, the Dexter situation has kept me in material for months now.  If you doubt my ability to bug people, check out what I did to my daughter when she told me she was going to register for driver's Ed:

I digress... I stopped by my folks' house after some long births a few weeks ago during a huge rain storm.  It was late, and dad was headed to bed.  He said, "don't let my kitty out when you go."  I told him that it was raining and Dexter would figure it out.  He continued to insist that he knew what was best for his furry buddy.  Unfortunately, my dad was not expressing himself well because I'm sure I heard, "I'm being a total weirdo about my freaky cat, so please bug me about it!"  As soon as he settled in I opened the door and yelled, "Holy crap Dad!  Dexter ran out before I could stop him!"  From upstairs a pathetic "nooooo" was emitted, followed by a stern reprimand of, "you better not have let my kitty out!"  It would be funny if he wasn't serious about it!  

He also believes the handicapable feline can't wash himself.  When did losing a leg mean your cat tongue stopped working?!  Dexter lets dad bathe him without a lot of fuss.  I'm sure he submits to the idiocy because he's worried he'll drown if he struggles with only three legs for stability.  Dad, however, thinks he likes it...  Because cats and water have been a positive association through the ages after all...Here's proof I'm not making this up, and yes, he has the wet dummy in a towel and even gave him some bath time kisses!

I could go on for millennia about the crazy stuff my dad does.  Like the cropdusting he orchestrates in stores to make my mom look bad, or the multiple public pant pooping debacles that have left us all in stitches for years.  I enjoy the names he calls his kids like "retard," "dink," and in my brother Jameson's case, "dick."  I love how he cannot leave anyone emotionally unmolested; especially his grandchildren.  Most of all, I love his generosity, his integrity, his work ethic, the way he treats my mother, and of course, his epic swearing problem.  I've known this guy for forty years and each year my life is more enriched by his delightful shenanigans.  So, in preparation for the upcoming weekend, I thought I'd get a jump on the festivities and be the first to wish him Happy Fathers Day.  I love you dad!  In fact, none of your other dick kids love you as much as I do!  And, Dad.... HOLY CRAP I JUST LET DEXTER OUT!!!!