What The?!

I live by a house that I am convinced is occupied by one or more of the following three types of individuals:

1. A Drug Dealer
2. A Pedophile
3. A Sociopath

I have jumped to these horrible conclusions based solely on the looks of the property.  Surely a normal human being who is not involved in trafficking of some sort would not maintain a home that has a sign out front that says "Smile!  You're on Camera!"  I also think an upstanding citizen would NOT have a giant tin picture of a sunset facing outward in their porch window along with an enormous vase of faded plastic flowers.  Lastly, a regular Joe would not have done the following with two giant tree stumps in the side lot of his yard:

I believe this is Abraham Lincoln.  Notice the carving on the face, the little branch of an arm holding the fake walking stick.  His pants are a creepy thin blanket.  I have no idea what the top hat is made from.  I ride by this spectacle often while biking and am at a loss every time I see it.  Why not just cut down the stumps and use them for mulch and/or firewood?  If you must make a creation, why not carve birds or woodland animals, or something that BELONGS in a tree?  Why Honest Abe?  I just don't get it.

Luckily for me, the Abe Lincoln house is not the only odd landmark in my neighborhood.  I actually reside near a meth house.  For the longest time, I thought Jared loved to sit on the couch in the front room and read by the window for the lovely sunshine.  WRONG!  He was sitting there to watch the meth house so he could report increased activity.  In his defense, he didn't tell me my neighbor was a meth addict because I like to bury my head in the sand about these things.  I got tired of meeting loads of folks in the local restaurants, gas stations, etc. only to have Jared list off their offenses, all the while outlining what a "dink" they were in jail.  I want to feel safe in my little town and so I asked him to stop pointing out these individuals to me.  Out of concern for me, he didn't discuss the meth house, but it would have explained what I saw outside a few months ago:

If I had known this guy was from the meth house, I probably would have considered this normal behavior.  Unfortunately, without knowledge of his background, I thought he was trying to impress me.  As such, I did not want to be outdone by this idiot, so I came up with this gem completely substance free:

I should have gone over to his house and knocked on the door to show him my artwork, but he probably would have been high and wouldn't have been able to appreciate me as he should.  Turns out, my hubby has booked several occupants of the drug house into jail.  Last time he saw the head honcho, he told the dude he'd keep an eye out for suspicious activity around his house.  The drug dude said, "thanks, I'd appreciate that."  This is why my hubby is going to heaven without me.  I would have snubbed the guy, found extra reasons to call the cops on him, and probably egged his house if I thought no one would catch me.  As it is, I find myself squinting my eyes as we pass him to peer suspiciously out of my peripheral vision without fully acknowledging his existence.  My husband's behavior?  Respectful, dignified, and kind.  He sickens me sometimes with how good he is.  I'd dump him if I could but he's just too delicious:

I know it looks like I enjoy my husband's company.  It's all a facade...  I'm only in it for the sex!