It's fitting I found this because sometimes I wish I could get away with putting them six feet under. Their cute exteriors house the evil spirits of kleptomaniacs, arsonists, and general ruckus rousers. I like to read my sister Briana's blog since she used to cast all sorts of aspersions over my parenting skills and the wicked nature of my girls. She has since given birth to a monster of her own and her big fat yap has been spouting apologies ever since.
A lot of what my babies do is just run of the mill kid nonsense, but their theiving drives me nuts! Jared and I buy 28 candy bars every pay day to portion out our sweets for two weeks. For those of you who are math impaired, that's a candy bar a day for each of us. I have hidden our stash in the trunk of my car in the winter, in the sleeves and pockets of Jared's suits, in my windows, in my laundry bucket, under storage items in my closet, even wrapped up in my underwear! Doesn't matter how sneaky I think I am, those little suckers find them every time. I have given out lots of spankings and time in the corner, but since nothing helps, I just keep trying to outsmart the little devils and then cope by yelling my head off when they find my latest stash! I slung one bag of treats over a hanger and tucked it inside the shirt on the hanger and it kept the demons away for two whole months! Last night they found it, ate 10 candy bars, and left me feeling extremely exasperated because I can't think of a new place to hide my booty!
In the midst of this crisis, it came to light that my older two are dealing with a completely different evil problem of their own. Apparently, despite their being 20 toothbrushes floating around in the bathroom as well as a cache of unopened brushes in the drawer, the little jerks keep brushing with Kayley and Hannah's! Hannah stormed upstairs to tell me that she was going to murder my children and stash their bodies if it happened again. This insolent behavior forced me to assert my position as the Don of "the family" and I made it clear that this mafia kingpin would beat her down should she threaten me again. However, I really couldn't blame her. Someone else's teeth dirt on your brush is damn nasty. I don't even share my hubby's brush and I've shared far more intimate things than spit with that dude! After calming down the raging beast that often says this...
I told her she just has to outwit the dirty buggers since it's the best way to maintain peace and sanity in the home. I offered suggestions as to the best place to hide her toothbrush, all the while feeling like a hypocrite, since I can't even keep 28 candy bars safe for 14 days at a time! I woke up feeling refreshed this morning to start the battle anew, when I noticed Kayley had done this:
Yep. Hiding her brush in the blanket cupboard. That calm cat certainly can teach raging Hannah and yelling me a lesson: just do your thing quietly and keep your serenity, as well as your toothbrush, undefiled. I'm going to consider changing my reaction in future conflicts, but in the meantime, if anyone wants three free devil spawn, you know where to find me!
You should wash out a Crisco can and nonchalantly put them in there. Unless your kids eat shortening out of the can.
ReplyDeleteActually, that sounds like something they would do.