All I need is a Good Suit

My sexy lover is in need of a new suit.  I wasn't really paying attention to how ratty he looks since he only wears the thing on Sundays.  In my defense, it's easy to overlook his dress up attire because every other day of the week, he is either in his deputy uniform, or in jeans and a t-shirt.  I attempted to change his fashion sense during the first several years of our marriage, but was unable to upscale anything about him other than convincing him to don a pair of Dockers and dressier shoes when we go out to the theater.  His other major fashion crime is his love of sweatpants.  For years he wore them anytime he was physically inside our house and would change into and remain in them for as long as he reasonably could.  I know there is a lot of good rationale out there for why sweatpants are a horrible fashion choice.  I myself HATE them on dudes for only one reason:  I don't enjoy looking at sweatpant penis bulges.  I will admit I have stolen some bulge glances through other fabrics, but sweatpants make the bulge hang funny and I don't like it.  Pass judgement all you like - I will never change.

Given that Jared has zero fashion finesse, I often turn to my father to help me select nice men's clothing when the need arises.  My dad is the complete opposite of Jared because he is a diva.  A HORRIBLE DIVA.  His closet can put most fashionistas to shame, especially because he believes that the more expensive an item is, the more it belongs buttoned to his body.  My mother and I spend countless hours ridiculing his wacky habits, but I will admit the man is always put together very nicely, and he always smells good.  As such, I called him today to ask him what brand of suit he prefers to buy - Hart Schaffner Marx apparently.  Turns out these suits are very nice and rather pricey as well.  Anxious to keep me from being deterred by the price tag, my dad suggested I try driving to ZCMI in Salt Lake City because they have a bigger selection and slightly better pricing.  He then took it one step further:  "besides, you can meet the midget salesman they have there."

Let me take a minute to explain that I was not surprised for one instant to hear such a comment escape my father's lips.  Nearly every member of my immediate family (except me because I am refined) has a weird fettish with red-headed individuals and little people.  I have been unable to understand the fascination and am trying to help my children stop gawking like slack jawed idiots when they come across someone who is different from them.  I'm working hard on my girls' behavior, but unfortunately, I have had zero impact on my crazy family.  Just as a test, I texted my brother Sam (the biggest offender) to determine if he was in possession of any little people pics.  He not only had one, but two!  Check it out.

I guess this was really my fault.  Why in the world should I expect to have a normal conversation with my dad when I asked about something so inflammatory as a suit brand?  I had it coming really. Don't worry, I've learned my lesson.  When I talk to dad tomorrow, I'm going to discuss a topic he couldn't possibly offend anyone with.  I think I'll ask him what he thinks about race relations, same-sex marriage, and democrats...