I have already established numerous times that I am an individual devoid of couth or boundaries. Strangely enough, anyone who works around a labor and delivery unit in any capacity tends to develop a keen appreciation for anything slightly off color as well. For instance, one of the labor nurses had stumbled onto animal copulation of some sort with one of her children and had to have an impromptu discussion about human sexual relations with the unfortunate youngster. Not wanting to be outdone, I recalled a time when Jared and I had stumbled upon animal copulation in a park when we still lived in Utah. Specifically, it was duck mating. I outlined for this nurse how violent duck sex is. The first time I saw nature's gang rape I was appalled. I described how I futilely kept trying to chase the drakes off of the poor battered hen and Jared told me to leave nature alone. I was disturbed for weeks, and still to this day wish ducks would start their own feminist movement to stop such nasty and insulting behavior. The nurse almost didn't believe me, until one of the physicians backed up my story with facts of his own. Namely, a drake he owns named Billy that has broken the necks of several of his chickens because he doesn't have a duck hen to maul. As Watson put it, "chicken necks just can't take the rape!" In case there are some Thomases that doubt me, check it Yo...
I had almost forgotten about Billy the rapist duck until this weekend. Several of the nurses and I had gotten on the subject of how nasty human genitals are. Several alternative designs were presented until Dr Hymas, one of the pediatricians, told us humans have nothing on turtles. Since he is one of the BIGGEST squares I know, I like to believe he gleaned this information from his children's pets, since I don't think that prude even knows where babies come from! I tried to shock him with my duck rape story, but he insisted the turtle penis would shock me since it "looks like an alien or something..." Because YouTube can prove whether or not you are a liar in exactly one second, we all searched the topic together. You know what? Hymas was right! Check out the creepy music with this video. None of us could breathe!
I couldn't wait to show this video to Jared when I got home! He not only thought there was nothing weird or abnormal with nature's design of the tortoise penis, he insinuated I was weird and abnormal for being interested in it! This guy backs Mother Nature all the way apparently! He further ruined my day when he mentioned the suicide smocks they use in the jail are called "turtle suits." I got all excited about the blogging potential he was in possession of, but he condescendingly refused to go get one from the jail and model it for me.
You know what buddy? You and all the rapist drakes and alien tortoise penises can hang out together in your "turtle suits" from now on if you think you're so cool. I'll just wallow in the muck and filth with all my Labor and Delivery friends where I belong... Well, everyone but Hymas that is. He's still trying to figure out where babies come from...
No comments:
Post a Comment