Stupid Dog

Nearly a million years ago when I had only two babies, (2005) I traveled to Washington DC with Jared, my good friend Lynda, and my brother Jeff.  It was a wonderful trip for many reasons.  For Jeff, it was wonderful because my mom found him his idiot dog Puppets

Some acquaintance of my parents found Puppets at a rest stop and thought my family might want her.  He or she obviously knew my folks well because my mom snatched up that deformed dog faster than I snatch up Snickers bars.  My  mom had called to tell Jeff all about her just a few days before we headed back to Idaho, and he almost couldn't contain himself for the rest of our trip.  Check out her missing eye.  She's just as ugly now as she was back then...

This little runt bugs the heck outta me for lots of reasons, but Jeff adores her.  He was at some point supposed to claim her from my mom now that he's a grown up with his own house.  Unfortunately for mom, he probably never will.  Since mom has been Puppets's primary guardian all these years, she has developed a fairly nice relationship with that dog.  Mom pretends to hate the freak almost as much as I do, but she certainly hasn't done much to evict the weirdo.  

Puppets used to be quite loose in her younger days.  Her baby daddy lived a few doors down from my mom and would come around looking for a piece fairly regularly - until he met with a nasty demise under the wheels of a car.  Beside her actual baby daddy, she'd let any filthy breed get their jollies on her, until mom finally got her a back alley abortion at the vet and fixed all her whoring around for good!

My daughter Kayley despises the fact that Puppets has her own designated spot in the couch that she does not appreciate being pushed out of.  If you don't watch yourself, that little witch will try to nip your fingers off.  She also can't stand that Puppets will burrow under your blanket with you and stick her cold little nose on you.  And as mentioned before, might just nip you if you try to squeeze her out.

I could go on for hours about all the stuff that bugs me about Puppets, but the thing that really irks me is her eating habits.  She won't eat normal stuff like raw chicken fat, but she'll eat chocolate chips til the cows come home if mom would let her.  She also won't take food out of your hand; you have to drop it on the floor so her majesty can decide if she likes it or not, and most of the time, she turns up her nose and walks away from any tidbit you drop.  Know what she particularly loves?  Boogers.  You heard me correctly.   Boogers.  When my brother Sam visits, he'll hack up a loogie, let it dangle over Puppets, and she'll lick it right out of his lips.  I cannot stress enough how much I hate both Sam and Puppets for engaging in this behavior.  Worse still?  She likes her boogers in solid form.  Here's Jeff giving her a treat a few Sundays ago:

 Man I really hate that dog.