Frat House

Yesterday, I had to move into a new apartment because my lease was up on Joe's place and I haven't been able to purchase a house yet in Rhode Island.  I've been worried for weeks about where I was going to go, but one of the ladies I work with, Renee, let me move into her home until I could finalize my housing plans.  A few days ago, she warned me that her brother, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's son, also needed an emergency place to crash, and so would be moving in along with me.  My first thought?  FRAT HOUSE!  Unfortunately, Renee is kind and also a grownup, so there were no beer kegs, coeds with their boobies busting out of wet t-shirts, or the smell of vomit on the air when I showed up last night.  I have considered that Renee is saving the frat house scene for later because she's worried about what I would think about her initially.  Either way, I am grateful to have somewhere to go, so I really don't care how it all plays out...  as long as I continue to have a place to sleep.

 It would have been nice if my only worry yesterday was moving but I also had to work.  This meant I would spend my day being busy in the office,  then I would have to go home and do my laundry, then finish cleaning my old apartment before I could vacate the premises;  I felt like I was back in college.  I moved so many times through my single college days and it never bugged me.  However, I'm an old married lady now and I like stability.  These last six months have been anything but stable and I'm sick of it!  I moved to the East exactly six months ago today with nothing but two suitcases, a small cooler for my snacks, and a few new appliances to put in the house that I would buy some day.  Literally everything I owned fit in my Honda accord.  Guess what?  Everything I own still fits in my Honda and it was easy getting it all over to Renee's.  Ease aside, I'm still sick of this nonsense and want a place to put down my roots again.  Even this Snapchat pic my friend Alyssa sent at the beginning of my crappy moving day didn't help my stress:

She's pretty funny - but not funny enough to make me stop feeling sorry for myself!

Last night, after getting everything crammed into my Honda, I decided I was hungry and against my better judgment, decided to try Chipotle for the first time.  All I ever hear is how great Chipotle is, but most of the folks telling me how great it is are white, and most white folks don't know anything about good Mexican food.  How was it?

Big.  The end.  Sorry people.  I've had too much excellent Mexican food both here in the US and in Mexico and Chipotle ain't good Mexican food.  I knew from the moment I walked in I'd be disappointed.  For starters, it was filled with these types of folks...

Stupid white Millenials.  It was also too sharp and clean.  No obnoxious Mariachi music playing...  No gaudy decor...  Worst of all?  No brown skinned folks to be seen.  You gotta pick ethnic restaurants filled with ethnic people.  If you don't see the race of people who belong to the food genre you're sampling, I can guarantee your meal is going to be watered down American slop.  Hate me if you wish, but I know I'm right.

After the Chipotle debacle, I finally made it to Renee's, unpacked in a flash because I don't own anything right now, and settled into my new digs.  Here's proof:

Renee's home is comfortable and it's nice to have my housing shortage solved for awhile.  However, I'm feeling really sad that I don't have Joe to spy on anymore.  Gail the landlady stopped by as I was finishing cleaning my apartment and I told her to tell Joe goodbye and that I would miss spying on him.  She laughed because I think she was thought I was kidding, but I know the real truth.

I'm grateful for generous friends.  I'm glad I never have to be traumatized by Chipotle again.  I'm also on high alert so that I don't miss any frat house activities Renee may be planning for me.  Don't let my positivity fool you though, because I'm so ready for this to be over.  I want my husband...   I want my kids...  I actually want the opposite of a frat house...  Yep.  I want my old lady life back...

Booty Call

My house in Idaho was supposed to close last Monday, but there's been a problem with my buyer's appraisal.  As such, we found out it might take another month to find out if the house is finally sold or not.  I've been feeling pretty depressed about how long this process has been taking to sell my old gal and when you combine that with how lonely I feel without my lover and gremlins around, well, let's just say I'm pretty miserable.  I've been listening to a lot of Sam Smith lately because his mournful crooning seems to match my ugly mood.  I even downloaded "Make it To Me," and have been playing it over and over as the mantra for my solitude.  I found out recently that Mr Smith is gay, which means he's begging for Mr. Right to find him.  Interestingly, I am also begging for my Mr. Right to find me.  For a while, I felt sorry for both me AND Sam Smith until I realized that Sam can't ever find true happiness because I already found the sexiest Mr. Right there ever will be.  I then decided to feel sorry for just Sam Smith and his horrible loss.  Good luck finding someone perfect to "Make it to You," buddy, it's just not going to happen with Jared off the market, and that's truly a tragedy my sad little friend...

In the midst of my disappointment and with too much Sam Smith on replay, I got to go to a conference in Atlanta, GA for work this week.  Guess who flew in to spend time with me:

Yep.  That's me and my sex riding on the MARTA just after he flew in.  I'll spare you the gory details about all the naked time we may or may not have spent together and instead discuss that this was the second time Jared and I have visited Atlanta, and I have decided I like that city quite a bit.  For starters, they have a fabulous public transit system that is inexpensive and convenient.  Jared and I rode all over that muggy town and did the other main thing we like to do together...  EAT!  As proof, here's the fat man enjoying an Arepa.  They were delicious BTW...

We also paid a visit to Martin Luther King and his lovely wife Coretta this visit.  I'm ashamed to admit that I did not know that MLK was buried in Atlanta.  Nor did I know that his church was the Ebenezer Baptist Church.  Nor did I know that he also has an eternal flame like JFK near his grave that I missed despite standing by the tomb and which my jerk lover didn't point out to me!  Know what else?  He sits on a pool of water.  I was kind of jealous, but then remembered that he was sort of a big deal during the Civil Rights Movement and probably deserved something a little special for his resting place.  Here the love birds are...

And the original church MLK gave sermons in:

We also walked around the museum where some of his artifacts are housed and enjoyed the AC because man - Atlanta sucks worse than Little Rhody for humidity!  I love the National Parks!  Mostly because I forget stuff about our Nation's history and it's always good to remember the sacrifices others have made to make our world a better and more interesting place.

Know what else made me love Atlanta this time around? 

I didn't know how much I loved fountain soda drinks until I moved to the East and found a dearth of good soda flavors in the state God intended them to be consumed in.  Rhode Islanders are so busy drinking coffee like a bunch of lunatics that they have overlooked the finer things in life...  AKA Diet Dr. Pepper.  I went back to this lovely fountain on the day I flew out and was in pure heaven.  Thank you Atlanta.

I'm back in RI...  Alone again...  but trying to be cool about it.  I have some other irons in the fire if my house deal falls through so I'm trying hard to think positive things about my future.  I will admit that I listened to "Make it To Me," about five times on the flight home tonight and fantasized about being back together again with my lover on a permanent basis.  It was a nice fantasy.  I also found myself hoping that Sam Smith had a good booty call this week like me.  Sometimes a good booty call is the only thing that keeps a person going...  Even if the best man is already taken.  Sorry Sam... Again...

Semper Fi

A few days ago I stumbled on this movie titled "Taking Chance."  It was all about a marine that volunteered to escort the bodies of soldiers killed in the Iraq War home to their families.  I was absolutely astounded at the level of respect with which the armed forces treat our fallen vets, and I bawled like a baby through most of the show.  I have been meaning to drive down to Arlington National Cemetary since I landed in RI, but the movie made it feel more urgent.  Through my ridiculous tears, I booked a hotel room and drove down to our nation's capital on September 11th, which was touching all by itself.

I've been to DC and Arlington several times but it never gets old.  It is such an amazing, peaceful area, and I feel lucky to be able to just pop down like its no big deal.  It cost me 75 bucks in tolls round trip, and though that part pissed me off, here's a bit of what happened:

I got skewered by the Wahington Monument...

I found RI at the WWII monument which was awful close to Idaho..

I need to google this monument because RI does NOT belong on the Pacific side, and it certainly doesn't belong so close to Idaho.  I must be missing something.

I also tapped Abe Lincoln on the head and thanked him for his service:

After bonding with Abe, I read the Gettysburg Address and got extra chills because I was pondering it on September 11th, and it's a darn fine speech.  Here it is if you're a slob and haven't read it...  You may have to use your zoom...

In case you've never gotten the view of the Washington Monument from Abe's perspective, here it is.  Jared calls it, "America's most famous Phallis..."

I did some other stuff on the mall but to keep you from getting bored, let's skip to the purpose of my visit; The Tomb of The Unknowns:

Isn't it lovely?  Know what's even better?

This is a tomb guard.  They are a special group of the armed forces and they guard the tomb 24/7 and 365 days a year.  They take 21 steps each way and at each pause of their watch they wait exactly 21 seconds.  Every time.  You can time them if you wish.  I always do and they are always perfect.  It is humbling to watch and I love this spot more than just about any other place on earth.  They also have a ceremony every 30 minutes or hour depending on the season where they change the guard in front of the tomb.  This time around I sat and watched two revolutions.  If you've never been, you should make it a point to go.  The US armed forces know how to honor their dead and it is a thing of amazing precision and beauty.  I didn't record it because I wanted to be in the moment, but plenty of other jackasses have, so just go to YouTube if you want a taste of how fantastic it really is.  

I rounded out my day checking out Arlington House:

I just learned about a year ago that this used to be Robert E Lee's home but when he surrendered, the government stole his house and made the grounds a cemetery so he could never come home.  Years later, the government gave his family some pitiful amount for their illegal seizure, but what could they do about it then?  Note to self:  Don't lose the Civil War...

I'm so grateful to be living in one of the states where our nation was born.  I'm so grateful for our vets - especially those that have given their lives to defend the freedoms I enjoy.  I'm grateful to have come from a family where so many members have served in the military and have taught me to love my flag, my country, and my fellow man.  I'm truly blessed to be an American.

I'm a Pest

As everyone knows, I've been really busy these last few weeks getting my Idaho house sold and a new one purchased in RI.  Being thus occupied, I lost track of how quickly my days were flying by and didn't realize until today that I haven't blogged in nearly a week.  For one second, I panicked because I thought I might have forgotten to be interesting and funny while also taking care of my responsibilities this week.  However, it turns out that even when I'm busy, I'm still me.  This simple truth means that being annoying comes naturally to me, and that my friends, is always funny and interesting.  What did I accomplish?  For starters, I sent insults by texts to nearly everyone I know and/or care about.  Two of my favorites?  When my friend, Kareena sent me this:

I texted, "nice tits!"

And how about when my sister in law sent an update about her new baby:

I texted:  "ha ha.  You have a new baby... Sucker..."

I also spent time NOT feeling or showing empathy for others this week.  My best work was with my daughter, Hannah.  She texted me her yearbook pic for this year from the school she's leaving in about a month.  She was distraught because one of the girls in line called her FunDip...

I texted her that her hair does look like FunDip but to be proud.  Then I laughed hysterically to myself and shared my joy with my parents behind her back because, of all the backgrounds the school could have chosen, what are the odds it would match the shade Hannah's sporting right now?!  That's some hilarity I couldn't have planned even if I'd tried!  No empathy needed!

Insults, zero empathy... what else have I been up to you ask?  Well, I also threatened plenty of folks.  Like when my friend, Sarah told me she's struggling with an inconsiderate neighbor in her church that constantly judges her and gives her unsolicited advice.  Did I give her Christian advice to ignore his comments and let them roll off her back?  No!  I told her to flash this pic at the jerk next time she sees him:

And let's not forget my response to my brother in law when he suggested that Rhode Island beaches are less than interesting to him:

I should have told him, "fine!  Continue to rot in that disgusting wasteland you call, "Arizona," but I was already occupied insulting someone else and didn't have time to type such a long response.  As such, the picture had to do.

You might think I'm out of ideas for how to be annoying but never fear, I Snapchatted a bathroom pic while volunteering at the free clinic tonight:

You're right.  My volunteer work can't possibly balance out my dark soul, but at least it gave me something to blog about!

At Last

Five months ago today and nearly at exactly the same time as I sit blogging, I arrived at my apartment in East Providence, RI.  I took a selfie to commemorate the day:

Know what else is significant about today?  I'm finally under contract on a house in Rhode Island!  I didn't get the original dream house I wanted, but my second choice is lovely and puts me in a nice area of Pawtucket.  Rhodies often say, "Pawtucket the bucket!"  

As I sit here contemplating the last five months, I will readily admit I was not prepared for how difficult and lonely this transition would be, but am grateful to be closer to living with my lover and babies again.  Which reminds me, there are a few things I should probably change about my behavior before they arrive:

1.  Flush the toilet more often:

I'm a hippy at heart and global warning scares the crap outta me.  I figured since I live alone, I could help Mother Earth by following the adage, "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down."  And yes, this means exactly what you think it means.  Judge all you want, but I'm sure Mother Earth has appreciated my efforts these last five months, even if no one else does.

2.  Lay off the stinky cheese:

Given that I have only myself to impress, I've been able to buy and eat whatever I want and no rotten kids have been around to complain about it.  Along with lobsters every payday, I have gorged myself on the nastiest cheese I can find because I love the stuff!  I've known for months that my fridge always smells like a butthole now, but if I've got kids opening my fridge every two seconds like they do in Idaho, the butthole stench will spread through my whole house.  Plus, yummy, stinky cheese is pricy, so I'm going to have to cut back.

3.  Stop eating in front of the boob tube:

Through our entire married life, Jared and I have protected meal times.  We don't answer the phone, we don't watch TV... Family time is important to us.  Since no one's around to have family time with, I often eat in front of my computer or the TV.  It's a horrible habit and I'll be glad to give this one up.

4.  No more Joe:

I think probably the only thing I'm going to miss about my independent life is spying on Joe the landlord every chance I get.  I like that guy and his weird habits and I'm going to miss him.  I've considered coming back to visit after settling in the "bucket," but that would just be creepy...  Sorry Joe, this is goodbye.  My family is on their way!

  

What's For Dinner?

Today was grocery shopping day and as usual, I planned to go after work.  Before I could bring myself to shop, I decided to "commute" to the house I have an offer in on just for kicks.  I snapchatted Jared as I drove by it from a couple of different angles and decided for the 20th time that I sure love the old place.  I'm convinced the neighbors wonder what the heck is going on with me since I'm almost positive there aren't any other red Honda Accords with Idaho tags that have driven by the old gal 200 times, but I just don't care.  Hopefully when I move in they will find out how awesome I am and forgive my shameless stalking.  Sorry folks, still no pics.  I'm feeling nervous and excited about it and don't want to jinx the universe against me.  Plus, I don't want some wise guy getting any ideas about buying it out from underneath me...  Anyhoo....  By the time I got to the grocery store, it was after six and I was starving.  Unfortunately, I make really random decisions about what food I want to purchase when I'm hungry because everything looks good.  I did manage to purchase some regular food for the upcoming two weeks, but my meal tonight consisted of three courses:

1.  Cheese and fruit.

After consuming nearly two pounds of strawberries, I decided to dig into a cheese I've heard tall tales about but have never tried...

And here's me whiffing:

Does Limburger smell?  You bet it does.  When I got home I wondered what stunk so bad in my apartment.  Then I realized I had brought the smell in with me and it was the Limburger.  I have also noted the same butt crack aroma when opening my fridge since getting home.  Again, it's the Limburger.  Is the smell worth it?

That's an affirmative.  The thing I find amazing about queso is that most of the time the really foul nuggets don't taste anything like their smell.  I enjoyed Limburger just as much as nearly every other nasty cheese I've had the pleasure to meet.  Two thumbs up!

2.  Main course

I forced myself to not buy a lobster today.  Not because I am tired of them, but because I wanted to leave room in my guts for my three course meal.  I get pretty full eating a 2 pound lobster and reminded myself I live in New England -  plenty of lobsters lady - give it a rest today...  After turning my back on the delicious lobsters wandering around in the lobster tank I spied these instead:

Obviously they didn't look like that when I bought them, but tasty no?  Little white wine, little garlic and onion....  Delicious.  Two thumbs up for the bivalves. 

3.  Dessert

One of the things I enjoy about living alone, is that it's liberating buying the things that I never let my kids eat.  Case in point?

Yep.  Lucky Charms.  They are just as trashy as when I was young, but also yummy in a disgusting sort of way.  The only thing that would make them better?  Getting rid of those stupid oat cereal bits.  Why can't I just have a bowl of the marshmallows?  Don't try to tell me the oat pieces add anything of real nutritional value to the party.  For exactly 2 seconds I considered picking out all the marshmallows and ditching the oat bits as I often longed to do as a child.  However, my extreme laziness took over and I just couldn't bring myself to invest a second longer preparing my meal, so I consumed them as God intended.

Verdict?  Random dinners rule, but I gotta enjoy them while I can because I cannot have this type of meal once my kids come out here.  I'm the mom.  I have to be the example; the pillar of my family...  What am I doing now?  Digesting my meal with a nice cup of coffee. 

And by coffee I mean a tall glass of Diet Cherry Coke Zero.  I know.  I'm truly a five star chef and the epitome of class...

Finally!

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly take one more second living alone in Rhode Island, this happened:

This is a screenshot of a Snapchat pic one of my daughter's friends took.  That's right folks.  My house in Idaho is finally under contract.  It's amazing how much peace and comfort can descend upon a person in such a short amount of time.  Last week I felt abandoned, lonely, and incredibly sad, and this week - peachy!  It took us about 3 days from the first offer to make the final deal and as many counter offers, but at last we are on our way.  The inspection period starts Tuesday so hopefully nothing arises that will bust the contract, but since I have taken good care of that old gal, I'm not terribly worried.

Given that I still want my sexy lover and my goblin children to move in with me, I had to start looking for digs in my new home state.  It felt weird to go by myself.  No hubby or kids to provide opinions.  No mommy to help me decide how costly something would be to fix...  Weird.  As per my usual, I was on the scout for something old and classy with renovations that needed to be done to keep me busy on my days off.  I found a cool bathroom in a place that needed TONS of work:

Unfortunately, the awesome tub and nasty green paint was the only character the house had going for it.  Plus, it didn't have enough parking for my extensive caravan that will be departing for the East soon.  I felt a little discouraged and had set up a time with the realtor to look at more homes when Jared found a property that I LOVED about 2 months ago that had gone under contract.  Turns out the deal fell through and it's back on the market.  I have to admit that I am beyond excited about putting in an offer on the place and feel a little sheepish because it's starting to feel divinely prepared - despite my rantings against God for the last several months.  Apparently he does care about me and my family and may be waiting to bless us with the house of my dreams...  the dream house that I thought I had in Idaho but turns out was really waiting for me the whole time in Rhode Island.  Sorry, no pics or address because I don't want to jinx it... but can you cross your fingers for me anyway?