Ahh Puke!

My Lily has been sick for two days.

She came out to notify me that she had squirted puke out of her nose while throwing up.  I informed her she needed more vomit practice and to get back in the bathroom until she got it right.  I actually hate sick kids.  Especially when the sick involves puke.  I just can't figure out what is so difficult about puke containment and why kids suck at it.

Lily first threw up on the way home yesterday.  In my opinion, being sick outside is perfect!  No worries about getting it in the wrong place!  Even if you act like a douche and blow your chunks in the middle of the sidewalk, your neighbors can use their power hose attachment to destroy the evidence and no one has to touch the sick!  If your sick is on my sidewalk, the hippy in me will refuse to waste water and instead will bitch about it until Mother Nature sends a storm to wash it away.  Regardless of the approach, no one really gets hurt.  Lily did not seem to understand the beauty of the outdoor yak.  She blew her wad somewhere, but she managed to get 90 percent on her coat.  How does that even happen?!  What runs through a kid's mind at that point?  Did she want me to believe her agony so insisted on bringing most of it home?  At any rate, this little gremlin got her all tucked into bed after school.

This is Emma and if Lily is a terrible puker, Emma has committed every vomit sin possible at some point in time:

     1.  Announce, "mom, I'm going to throw up."  Then, don't move and vomit all over yourself.

     

     2.  When you feel a yak coming on, put your hand in front of your face to make it look like you want to catch some, but instead strategically place your fingers in front of your maw so that the vomit sprays in a semi-circle 10 feet in front of you.  Repeat while your mom runs for towels.

     3.  If mom figures out you're going to puke and starts heading you to the toilet, hurry and empty the contents of your guts in a steady stream in front of you.  Be sure to finish before getting to the toilet.  When mom goes to clean up the puke runway, sit by the John and puke onto the floor a few times.  DO NOT, under any circumstances, get any into the throne!

     4.  Puke in your sleep.  Ensure proper coverage so that mom has to chisel you out of your puke cocoon with a crowbar the following morning.

In Emma's defense, I once committed a capital puke crime against my sister Jeta.    We were in high school and we shared a bed.  I had the surprise sick.  You know, when you wake up and just puke without warning?  Anyway, I sat up in bed and barfed all over Jeta.  It was disgusting and I felt horrible and didn't want to clean it up myself.  I woke up Jeta, started screaming about how she puked all over me and how she better get it cleaned up while I went and showered.  She said, "that's weird, I don't feel sick!"  I yelled some more and threatened to wake up the folks if she didn't get it cleaned up.  When I came back after my shower, Jeta was sitting in my yak in a sleepy daze so I had to yell some more until she got it all cleaned up.  I didn't tell her what really happened until we were in college and my mom told me I had major balls to pull that off.  I actually feel badly about what a turd I once was, but on the bright side, it makes for a great story!

Yep.  I hate vomit and I hate sick kids.  I LOVE when my hubby has to call in sick for sick kids though!  Like today.  I was on call and Lily needed to heal her rumbling inferno so Jared had to stay home.  Since I didn't have clinic, and no one called me in, I got to hang with him all day and I didn't even care about having a sick baby cause he was around.  I told him to post this pic and tell everyone he needed the sick day to cuddle with me:

He got all put out and lectured me about right and wrong and how the last thing he wanted was to get called in to see the sheriff who might think he was lying.  Blah, blah, blah!  Know what I hate more than vomit and sick kids combined?  A damn prude...