What a Rack!

Prom is in about two weeks and my 16 year old was asked.  We actually went to the mall before the actual invitation because she's lovely and I knew there was no way some smart boy wouldn't want to take her.  Besides, I needed a modest prom dress and I was worried the longer we waited, the more the selection would dwindle.  Here's a pic to show how we felt about buying the dress.

You may notice that Kayley looks quite pleased and I look perturbed.  The following activity is more my style - sticking my finger in a mannequin's ass crack.  Look how happy I am!

I hate going to the mall for three main reasons:

1. I hate spending money on anything but eating out
2. I despise shopping for clothes for anyone - including myself
3. I detest the thought of Kayley going to prom

The problem isn't really prom, or dating, or even the boy that asked her who I happen to think is quite a nice young man.  The problem is Kayley's knockers!  I have been fascinated with those gorgeous mounds of flesh since they first sprouted during puberty.  Up to that moment in my life I really wasn't around big boobies much.  In my family you are either modestly endowed, or pitifully endowed.  The running joke is that my mom walks around with just nipples under her shirt.  When I went to pick her up for lunch a few months ago she said as we were leaving, "Crap!  Do I have to put on a bra?!"  My response?  "Do you think anyone would even notice if you didn't?"  My fascination with Kayley's chi chis has compounded as my own ta tas have evolved into breasts.  WHAT?  Listen folks, news flash:  breasts are what your mom and grandma have.  They become increasingly flat, oblong, flappy type things and the nipples grow ever closer to your waistline as the years tick forward.  I know what I'm talking about!  I'm a midwife and examine both titties and breasts and there is DEFINATELY a difference!  As I've watched my own modest glory transform I used to try and devise a way to stand behind Kayley and honk on her hooters just so that I would know what it felt like to have something so marvelous poking out in front of  me.  Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out a way to justify it without being a major creeper, so I had to abandon my plans.  If I, the mother, fantasize about these suckers, you can't tell me that every teenage boy who hangs around with Kayley isn't trying to concoct a way to rub up against those lovely lady humps!  Hence, my underlying problem with prom!  I have asked a million people how to keep the boys off of Kayley's titties and no one has been able to give me a satisfactory solution!

If you think I've been taking this problem lying down you would be dead wrong.  I first started trying to solve the problem by spreading a rumor that Kayley had head lice and dandruff.  Surely the boys would stay away!  Unfortunately, she is clean and nice so no one would spread the lies.  My next tactic was to have open and up front conversations about sex including STDs and pregnancy.  I tried to make her squirm with discomfort, but that only worked when the subject was new.  Ever heard the phrase:  beating a dead horse?  Given that my first 2 tactics did not make me any more comfortable about those giant boobies sitting in a car with some pervert, I finally upped the ante a hundred fold.  It has become my life's work, my opus so to speak.  My third and final tittie defense was to create a Pavlovian response to anything sexy.  My goal was not to create a dog that would salivate at the sound of Pavlov's bell, but to create a daughter that would break down in shivers because sex would make her think of her parents.  My attention to detail on this matter should be applauded.  I hacked her Facebook account with pics such as this:

I've spent multiple hours texting Snapchat pics that finally ended with her sending me this gem:

I also spend a lot of time kissing Jared in front of my kids and liking it!  I'm pretty sure one day Kayley will appreciate all my efforts on her behalf.  I'm not sure when, but I hope it's soon.  In the meantime, to all the would be teenage honkers in the crowd:  Keep your hands off those titties!