L-O-O-N Spells Mommy...

This is my mommy:

What's she doing?  Why rewiring her bathroom light in her bathrobe of course.  The most hilarious part of this pic is not the stupid blue robe that I was probably conceived in and which the majority of my recent memories of my mom percolate around.  No, what's hilarious is that there is nothing unusual about seeing my mom doing something like this...constantly.  Ask all of my idiot siblings.  I bet they won't see anything strange in this pic including that nasty ass robe!  My mom is always tinkering with something.  Like this...

Or she's involved with just about any activity one of her kids is.  Like this...

I got to thinking I don't have any normal shots of my mom because she doesn't slow down long enough to snap one.  It might also be because she's always doing something weird, or falling asleep from exhaustion after doing something weird.  We also have a problem in my family with taking incriminating photos to be used as leverage in future conflicts.  Check this out...

I figured my other siblings were in the same predicament and of the five that responded to a quick survey, only my brother Sam (who can't seem to keep his pants on, let alone poop free) could produce a decent pic.

She's a nice looking granny when she stops for 2 seconds!  And I assured my brother he gets no extra points for having a nice pic because deep down he's a creep.  

The other completely insane quirk with my mom is her vocabulary.  She'll spend all day correcting your stupid grammar, but you need a special dictionary to understand her.  For instance:

Chicken:  grandchild

Chickens:  multiple grandchildren 

What's a matter for ya?:  what's up?

Gob ton:  large amount of something as in, "You made a gob ton of chicken."

Dutton:  slob

Dude:  penis

Peep:  vagina.  

Can I digress here and talk about how horrible it was growing up thinking the female genitalia was called a peep? How do you think I felt when the multi colored peeps at Easter came out?  Can you even imagine the stuff my siblings and I used to say about crunchy, colored, sugary peeps and the like?  My brother found this sign recently.  If anyone else in normal society saw this, no issues would have arisen.  It caused a stir in our family network:

I told my family I'd be out of business if no one touched any peeps.  My sister Jeta deleted the thread out of embarrassment!  What a legacy my mom has created!

I may joke, but I dare anyone to try and come up with a more inventive, eccentric, and talented mom than mine.  It's impossible!  Take your lousy mom who probably has never stood out in her garage and sanded something in her underwear and shove it.  Take your substandard maternal figure who I can almost guarantee has never lost her cell phone while talking on it and hit the road!   If your mommy has never butt dialed her own hubby at midnight from the basement, awakening him and sending him into a growling rage, I don't want to meet her cause she'll bore me to death!  Finally, unless your mom can multitask and find new uses for old stuff, I have no use for her!  And by use old stuff, it has to be up to this caliber:

I caught the bag in the garage just today. I asked her what in the heck she was wearing that ugly hat for.  Her response? "I'm using it to keep my hair out of my eyes."  And yes, she was dead serious!  Yep.  My mom is top notch.  Too bad you other suckers got stuck with what you did.  Life sure ain't fair!