On Deaths Door

 I nearly died this week.  At least it felt that way.  I had influenza and I have never been ill like that in my life.  I knew something was up when I lost my hankering for Diet Dr. Pepper.

This was me while I was waiting for my chest X-ray.  By golly that was ice water in the mug and it was my second one that morning.  I felt horrible!  I was coughing so hard my lungs burned and my throat screamed.  My head was starting to pound and all my muscles ached.  Even my skin was tender!  My mouth hung open when the family practice clinic wanted to test me for flu.  I protested that it was April but the nurse assured me they had had a positive case the previous week.  

If you have never been tested for flu, let me explain how the procedure went for me.  First, I sat in a chair against the wall.  That's so if I tried to move, the nurse had extra leverage with which to pin my head into submission.  Next, the nurse nonchalantly dropped a couple tissues in my lap and slowly drew a cotton tipped applicator out of its sheath.  She tried to play it cool so I wouldn't run screaming from the room.  Then, when I looked my weakest, she rammed the applicator up my right nostril, twisting it around until she tickled my eyeball, and taking what felt like a core sample from my brain.  After careful inspection of my brain biopsy, she finished the job on my left nare.  My eyes didn't stop watering for ten minutes.  It set off a coughing fit which left me breathless and feeling like she owed me a steak dinner.  I actually had almost decided I would murder that nurse if it was negative, but felt too wiped out to finish her off, so I was relieved when it really was influenza.

I got to take several days off work.  Don't get excited because it was the WORST vacation I ever had!  I spent two solid days rolling around in my bed sweating, moaning, and coughing.  When I wasn't in bed, I was lying on the bottom of my shower, trying to figure out how to feel better.  Tooth brushing stopped, coherent  speech was reduced to whistles and clicks, and Ramen noodles became five star cuisine.  I was a mess!  The PA gave me this lovely elixir for my cough...

It helped immensely but I did have some moments of lucidity in which my brain tried to tell me my sensitive pooper needed a laxative with that codeine.  Unfortunately, the thought never made it into a click or whistle, so my hubby never mixed me up some Miralax.  By the third day, I was so plugged up, I nearly passed out trying to Valsalva my way out of my problems.  That brought on more coughing fits which left me sweaty and weak on the can.  I was inches away from pulling an Elvis!

The highlight of the week came when my sister in law announced she was pregnant in a group text to my siblings.  It  didn't even take one response before sexual innuendos, disgust over how awful kids are, and other inappropriate responses took over.  I took the liberty to threaten everyone from my death bed...

Not a single sibling offered sympathy for my plight, but instead started making comments about my appearance and level of dress.  And then, as so often happens, someone had to do something radical to make the conversation stop.  The award goes out to my brother Sam for this gem titled, "I'm in bed sick too."

I have never met a family like mine where even the most mundane information will end up causing a scene where someone is willing to take their clothes off!  I also would not trade my family for the exact reason just mentioned.

In case you were wondering, I'm four days out from the flu and although weak and still coughing somewhat, I feel almost human.  Regular tooth brushing resumed last night, so I think I might be out of the woods.  Be careful out there people.  Influenza is lurking.  Get your shots because it's the best protection we  have! Can someone please pass the Ramen?