Shove it Kaden!!!

Dear Kaden from daycare,

I'm respectfully writing to call your attention to a matter which occurred as a result of the following boo boo:

I'm not sure how Bubba acquired this, but she's nearly four and spends 50 percent of her life climbing on things she doesn't belong on so accidents will happen!  I first became aware of said injury after Bub informed me about an interaction you two had last week.  She said,  "Momma, Kaden told me I had poop on my chin.  I told him, NO Kaden, it's an owie, and he said, uh uh, it's poop!"  She was quite put out about this until I told her to ignore you.  However, she accurately pointed out you weren't very nice about it.  I have pondered the issue and have decided that Bub is right!  Just who do you think you are Kaden?  And what kind of baby do you think I'm raising?!  Certainly not some cretin who would rub poop on her own chin!  Don't get me wrong you little creep, Bub's got plenty of flaws, but poop wiper she is not.  Sure, she's a kleptomaniac and takes whatever she wants from everyone in the house!  It's true she wanders like Helen Keller during mealtimes, but we're working on it!  Hell, I even caught her smoking while she was vacuuming last week and after snapping proof told her, "don't smoke Bub!"

That still doesn't mean she's capable of committing a crime of the caliber you're suggesting!  Listen Kaden, it's possible you've heard some rumors about Bubba's family, but I'm pretty sure disgusting, grandiose antics are not genetic so lay off pal!  Besides, I've met my fair share of little boys and I can almost guarantee you've got secrets of your own which may include skidmarks, penis fingers (a syndrome arising from not washing hands after urinating), and booger eating.   Therefore, I'm asking you to leave Bub alone and let her owie heal in peace.  In exchange for your cooperation, I'll consider allowing your pitiful little life to continue. 

Sincerely, 

Bubba's mommy.