Dear Kayley

Dear Kayley,

I pulled the hideous gray back out for your room tonight:

This was not a surprise to you because we talked this morning and I left specific instructions about cleaning the rat piles in your corners.  You seem to be quite accepting of the fact that we are moving. For this I am grateful, because I have heard the phrase, "YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!!" enough in the last month to last me a lifetime.

Although you were not surprised that I would be painting tonight, I was surprised to find that the rat piles remained untouched when I got home.  Unfortunately for me, I did not notice until you and Hannah had already left for IF High's basketball game tonight.  Combine the rat piles with an invisible, strange, speckled substance on every one of your walls that would not accept paint, and I quickly became livid.  I began to imagine what type of teenage orgy could have possibly covered your walls in such a fashion, but had to give it up because I worried it might be teenage semen!

I told your dad about five times I was going to murder you when you got home and he just murmured something incoherent to distract me.  The only thing that finally assuaged my anger, was hearing "Human" by The Human League on Pandora.  I had an unnatural love of that song in high school despite it being all about cheating on your partner which of course, I don't condone.  I still like that song, probably because of sentiment, and singing along to it made me happy.  Playing "Human" made me forgive Pandora as well as you, since five minutes earlier, Pandora selected a Neil Diamond song which got your dad hot and bothered while he accused me of being a closet Neil fan. For the record:  You wish, you ridiculous freak!  Find some other lady to help you act out whatever disgusting Neil fantasy you have!... I digress.

With a little patience, and some scraping, the splotches finally took the hideous gray, and now I'm in bed waiting for you to get home from the game.  Please don't get murdered on the way home, Kayley, because I'm worried dad will turn me in for the reward money I will post for the capture of your assailant.

Love,

Mommy